tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62588182011-06-07T23:33:54.338-07:00I am committed to creating a Christian nation under God, where Bible Study will be required in all classrooms and those filthy ragheads, kikes, and Papists will be required to renounce their evil statue-worshipping satanic faiths and become Pentecostals.Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comBlogger2731100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1100299931064752282004-11-12T13:55:00.000-08:002004-11-12T14:56:52.886-08:00

for I, Johnny, your former Attorney General am trotting off into that glorious sunset of later life, where I shall finally have the time to make the gospel albums that I always wanted to make while running my little roadside cafe'. It has been fun, but I am tired, and it's time to putter in the garden (at least, when there are no calico cats around) and work on my new songs. I may check in from

Karl Rove O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17947374719881236468noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1100246111109713732004-11-11T23:18:00.000-08:002004-11-11T23:55:39.280-08:00

The liberal media, fresh from lying about our Glorious Leader's combat record in Vietnam where he single-handedly killed a million jillion commies while bringing turkee to our brave troops, is now whining about how my hand-picked successor, Alberto R. Gonzales, wrote a memo condoning torture. Well, DUH! Like my buddy Alberto sez, the Geneva conventions are quaint and obsolete. Look, you silly

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1100193526921085882004-11-11T09:08:00.000-08:002004-11-11T10:58:23.466-08:00

When protesters clogged up Tiananmen Square and interfered with people's right to go about their daily business without smelling those smelly protesters, the Chinese sent in the tanks and squished them flat. We're working up to doing the same with our own smelly protesters. How DARE these supporters of terrorism(*) protest our Glorious Leader's benevolent policy of killing darkies by the tens of

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1100155864373459442004-11-11T01:00:00.000-08:002004-11-10T22:51:33.836-08:00

Does it matter?-losing your legs?... For people will always be kind, And you need not show that you mind When the others come in after hunting To gobble their muffins and eggs. Does it matter ?-losing your sight?... There's such splendid work for the blind; And people will always be kind, As you sit on the terrace remembering And turning your face to the light. Do they matter?-those dreams from

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1100149580843815292004-11-10T20:58:00.000-08:002004-11-10T21:11:54.000-08:00

The Internets are full of talk about Bush's man date. But it's a lie! Look, Georgie and Prince Bandar Bush are just FRIENDS. That's all. They're not holding hands like, like.... SODOMISTS. They're just holding hands like manly men hold hands! And Bandar Bush doesn't have the same name as Georgie Bush 'cause they got married, he's just, like, ADOPTED! Surely you don't begrudge a little darkie

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1100045064507580582004-11-10T01:03:00.000-08:002004-11-09T23:12:06.993-08:00

No doubt they’ll soon get well; the shock and strain Have caused their stammering, disconnected talk. Of course they’re ‘longing to go out again,’— These boys with old, scared faces, learning to walk. They’ll soon forget their haunted nights; their cowed Subjection to the ghosts of friends who died,— Their dreams that drip with murder; and they’ll be proud Of glorious war that shatter’d

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099686328499634142004-11-09T13:21:00.000-08:002004-11-08T22:15:15.756-08:00

in a vat of liquid fire. Hatred exists for the same reason as religion: because we as human beings have built into our souls a need for an explanation, a need for reasons why our pathetic lives of quiet desperation are so pathetic. The Party understands this. The Party feels your need. We give you what you want -- hatred, hatred of all things liberal, hatred of Michael Moore, hatred of brown

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099980813504119422004-11-09T01:10:00.000-08:002004-11-08T22:14:08.730-08:00

31 When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, 33 and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. 34Then the king will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099952930658691132004-11-08T14:24:00.000-08:002004-11-08T16:35:01.290-08:00

We have a cordon around Fallujah, and are only allowing civilians out. How do we know whether someone is an insurgent or not? Simple! We use the handy-dandy Acme Insurgent Detector(tm)! Point this at someone, and it immediately tells you whether he's an insurgent or not! The use of this device was pioneered by Serbian militiamen at Srebrenica in Bosnia, and detected tens of thousands of

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099949947138778612004-11-08T13:13:00.000-08:002004-11-08T14:20:11.423-08:00

It's official: Democrats are out of touch with American values. Remember, morality is decided by the majority, not handed down by God. And the majority, 51% worth of them, spoke on November 2. If you are one of those heathen godless Democrats, it's time for me to teach you what your new democratically-ordained values are: Fags are evil, and God hates them. Gay marriage will cause all our boys

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099692342008337932004-11-05T14:00:00.000-08:002004-11-05T14:05:42.006-08:00

This is a BIG POOPY BIRD. He just decides to use somebody's car as a seat, poops on it, and then flies away. This is a good Republican bird. Like a good Republican talks about chemical wastes and why it's no big deal that people can poop on the countryside with all these noxious wastes and then close shop and fly away somewhere else without cleaning. That's the way to do things, yes indeed!

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099642884596790832004-11-05T01:14:00.000-08:002004-11-05T12:13:01.986-08:00

Once upon a time, there was a dreamer: Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live outt he true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099630802909017942004-11-04T13:48:00.000-08:002004-11-04T21:00:02.910-08:00

To that silly young LIE-beral darkie Oliver Willis, who is upset because of this letter sent to the sodomist Andrew Sullivan, and whines that conservatives are "ruining America": Grow up, child. Oliver, you, of all people, should know just how evil the American people can be when hatred and bigotry are used by politicians to motivate them. (Hint: the period 1876-1954, when "uppity negros" were

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099500885763435792004-11-03T07:18:00.000-08:002004-11-03T10:02:24.630-08:00

Make no mistake about it, Kerry lost, regardless of what happens in Ohio. The only way for Kerry to win was to win big -- by at least 10% on the exit polls in the main battleground states -- to prove that he had a mandate for change and to make the election Diebold-proof. Mission NOT accomplished. While Democratic voters came out in record numbers, so did Republican voters, basically cancelling

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099465740396526332004-11-02T23:06:00.000-08:002004-11-03T00:17:10.600-08:00

As of right now, it appears, unless there's a whole lot of Kerry absentee ballots hanging around, that our Great Leader has won! Four more years! Four more wars! I am pleased to note that the youth vote was at its typical abysmal levels. Boy, what a bunch of slackers! But the Army will knock that out of them, yessirree! (Anybody feel a DRAFT in here?). I am just so excited about the

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099158791827431502004-10-30T10:48:00.000-07:002004-10-31T09:20:14.240-08:00

This Pledge is said by all attendees at our Glorious Leader's rallys: I care about freedom and liberty. I care about my family. I care about my country. Because I care, I promise to work hard to re-elect, re-elect George W. Bush as president of the United States. I believe in one father, one son and one other son, who's now governor of Florida, who will take over after this son retires from

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099079310608491642004-10-29T13:42:00.000-07:002004-10-29T12:48:30.606-07:00

I'm not sure what this creature is, but he was spotted on a hiking trail near Phoenix, Arizona. My suspicion is that this bug is a NADER SUPPORTER. He's funny-looking, and colored Commie red and Anarchist black. Any entemologists out there who know this bug's correct genus and species? Yours in Entemology, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1099034270107742712004-10-29T01:16:00.000-07:002004-10-29T00:17:50.106-07:00

Please remember that, because of the high turnout expected at the polls this year, Democrats will be voting on Tuesday, November 2nd, and Republicans will be voting on Wednesday, November 3rd. Be sure to remind all your friends! Yours in truthfulness, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098915270666880442004-10-27T15:12:00.000-07:002004-10-29T17:48:14.380-07:00

Take that, you traitors to America! Yours in patriotic suppression of dissent, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098906084870562562004-10-27T13:17:00.000-07:002004-10-27T13:01:43.146-07:00

As I mentioned before, if you vote for Kerry, puppies will EAT US ALL! But the proud men (and token woman) at Bush And Republicans against Felines (B.A.R.F.) have uncovered yet another conspiracy against America: John F. Kerry voted for $6 billion to terrorist felines. Now I hear you saying, "Kittens? Kittens will destroy America?". But you just do not know! That great hero Sluggy Freelance

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098768526564921532004-10-27T09:44:00.000-07:002004-10-27T15:06:07.023-07:00

Okay, this is no surprise. But here's why you should vote for our Glorious Leader next week: He is Jesus's second cousin, and, like, God's appointed representative on Earth, with a direct line straight to the Big Guy in the sky! Our Dear Leader's glorious jobs record, where President George W. Hoover made sure that over 1,000,000 American slackers got kicked out of their jobs and replaced by

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098776071585855502004-10-26T01:21:00.000-07:002004-10-26T01:10:35.243-07:00

Look, I know that there's over 300 tons of explosives missing that the IAEA had warned us needed securing, explosives that can be used to detonate a nuclear bomb, explosives that have been used in terrorist attacks against Americans, and that these explosives are the most powerful explosives short of an outright nuclear bomb, and enough explosives to make thousands of car bombs, but look, we had

General Kermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18118790719962047128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098775237260459092004-10-26T01:17:00.000-07:002004-10-26T00:20:37.260-07:00

This is simply unacceptable. I know what music is supposed to sound like, and that ain't it. Yours in fury at insane rap "musicians", Singin' John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America.

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098764113016196052004-10-25T20:53:00.000-07:002004-10-25T21:15:13.016-07:00

Murders are up, but that just means more people are getting to see Jessus early, Hallaleujah, AMEN! But the fact that overall crime is down proves that faith-based law-enforcement works. All you need is faith, faith my friends, and all crime will be down! We don't need more cops on the streets, we just need PRAYER! Now, I know those silly people in the reality-based community insist that the way

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098640851361363112004-10-24T10:41:00.000-07:002004-10-24T11:04:47.270-07:00

Some people wonder about the sanity of the Bush campaign putting out a campaign commercial showing puppies playing in the woods. But look: John F. Kerry voted to cut defense a jillion million times when he wasn't shooting unarmed teenagers in the back, forcing red-blooded American boys to be gay, and forcing young girls to have abortions. John F. Kerry is soft on puppies. If you elect John F.

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098423020399412902004-10-22T01:00:00.000-07:002004-10-21T22:33:16.873-07:00

Welcome to today's edition of Friday Creature Blogging! What you see here is a MOOCHER. This fierce beast, shown marking its territory (which is everything), is comprised of approximately 10 pounds of fur and 5 pounds of bone and muscle. It is supposedly "owned" by someone in the neighborhood, but nobody is quite sure by whom. In the meantime, it fends for itself by walking up to any

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098252798863391072004-10-20T01:08:00.000-07:002004-10-19T23:14:48.730-07:00

Up til now, every scrap of independent evidence proved Saddam Hussein's Iraq had no ties to Bin Laden. All you silly LIE-berals in the Reality-Based Community laughed at us in the Faith Based Community. But *FINALLY*, terrorists in Iraq have sworn loyalty to Bin Laden. Of course, it cost us more than 1,100 dead soldiers and more than $120 billion to create the previously once non-existent

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098226135397036462004-10-19T15:46:00.000-07:002004-10-19T15:48:55.396-07:00

Somehow I missed this opportunity to espouse my defense of America last week. Anyhow, we stopped one of them terrorist darkies from entering America. And I forgot to hold a press conference announcing that fact, darn! After all, everybody knows that only Cat Stevens is a more dastardly terror threat than... TIGER WOODS. Yours in disappointment at missing a press conference opportunity, John

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098216132949089812004-10-19T13:21:00.000-07:002004-10-19T23:08:21.013-07:00

I am proud to announce that the 1100th American soldier has been brought to Jesus in Iraq. The lucky ducky winner of this singular honor is Chief Warrant Officer William I. Brennan (see photo to left), 36, of Bethlehem, Conn. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 25th Aviation Regiment, 25th Infantry Div., and died when his helicopter was winged by an RPG round and, shortly thereafter, crashed

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098159496356295842004-10-18T20:58:00.000-07:002004-10-18T21:18:16.356-07:00

One of those LIE-berals says he and Libertarians and other opponents of our Fearless Leader's rule are part of the "Reality-Based Community". All I gotta say is, WHAT reality? Look, in their "reality" our Great Leader has run up close to a trillion dollars in debt, sunk the Army into a quagmire in Iraq, offended all our former friends, enacted draconian anti-freedom laws, and let Osama bin Laden

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098147377340452332004-10-18T17:53:00.000-07:002004-10-18T19:07:10.156-07:00

I'm here to tell you about a vast radical conspiracy to overthrow the benevolent rule of our Glorious Leader. The biggest threat to American democracy is uppity darkies and DEMON-crats who think that all Americans should have the right to vote. That just isn't true! Only voters who can pass arbitrary literacy tests of my own devising should have the right to vote! Look, these dastardly

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1098078934438580432004-10-17T22:51:00.000-07:002004-10-17T22:55:34.436-07:00

Over at Jesus's General, the good General reviews Bill O'Reilly's new book, which teaches children the conservative approach to sex, hygeine, and phone etiquette. Good show, General! Our brave patriotic O'Reilly, under attack by the dastardly LIE-berals for treating women the way they're supposed to be treated, deserves our support!

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097985391290227842004-10-16T20:25:00.000-07:002004-10-17T00:17:24.630-07:00

We have now uncovered a new terrorist threat to America, one so dire, so evil, that it has more FBI agents assigned to it than are assigned to shutting down the financial network of the bastard blowing our soldiers to pieces in Iraq. This group of terrorists is doing far, far more harm than someone who is killing our soldiers (after all, our soldiers are made of the finest of tin, so all we have

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097982775916351402004-10-16T19:55:00.000-07:002004-10-16T20:12:55.916-07:00

A bunch of Iraq vets are whining that now they're homeless and living in cars because, after arms or legs were blown off in Iraq, we don't process their disability benefits. What a bunch of whiney losers. But don't worry, we have a solution for their problem. It's called the No Child Left Behind Act. Hold it, you say, what does an act that imposes standardized testing on all school children

General Kermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18118790719962047128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097885917804305932004-10-15T16:51:00.000-07:002004-10-15T18:25:57.156-07:00

These three traitors to America, members of that "teacher" conspiracy that tries to teach our children that they need books other than the Bible, tried to blow up our Glorious Leader's mind by wearing t-shirts that proclaimed, "Protect our Civil Liberties". They have, of course, been arrested and detained for possession of T-Shirts of Mass Destruction, and declared enemy combatants and sent to

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097709441536458372004-10-15T00:00:00.000-07:002004-10-14T23:53:26.553-07:00

These are VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. This strange creature is very rare (only two mature specimens known in existence, though at least two immature versions have been spotted tagging along behind strange creatures provisionally identified as the "Yellow-backed Screeching Nader" and the "Wild-Eyed Loonie Badnarik") and is rarely sighted, apparently preferring to hide in secure undisclosed

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097793068889920632004-10-14T15:01:00.000-07:002004-10-14T15:31:08.890-07:00

I want to tell you about this marvelous law that the President talked about last night during the Presidential debate, the No Child Left Behind Act, which, as our Great Leader told us, is the solution to outsourcing, a low minimum wage, racial discrimination, and abortion. Now, a lot of you have wondered why our Great Leader spent so much time reading The Pet Goat on 9/11 after being informed

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097715075959199422004-10-13T17:32:00.000-07:002004-10-13T18:06:48.910-07:00

I am shocked, shocked I say, that these puling Democrats are whining that they should be allowed to cast ballots against our Glorious Leader's coronation. It is every American's duty to vote for our Glorious Leader next month. After all, if you do not vote for our Glorious Leader, hoards of terrorist Islamo-fascists will crawl out of every sewer cover and every bathroom drain and DESTROY AMERICA!

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097704446545668672004-10-13T14:39:00.000-07:002004-10-13T14:54:06.546-07:00

There was no flying saucer in Grinnel, Iowa. There are no slug-like alien invader parasites that ride on people's backs and control their minds, making them operate as jerky puppets in the hands of an alien menace. Nothing to see here, move along. -- Yours in reminding you of reality, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097608615675125082004-10-12T10:56:00.000-07:002004-10-12T13:03:12.203-07:00

So now those LIE-berals are upset because we good conservatives called Christopher Reeves a baby murderer. Oh wah, cry me a river! Mr. Reeves was a strong advocate for murdering six-cell babies in order to harvest their fetal stem cells, and it is only fair and right that he died because he was paralyzed, developed a sore he could not feel (because he was paralyzed) that got infected, and died

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097534338146442102004-10-11T15:12:00.000-07:002004-10-11T15:38:58.150-07:00

I applaud the school board of Charles County, Maryland, for acknowledging this truth. Their proposal to remove books from the required reading list that are filled with "profanity and pornography, fornication and adultery" and replace them with the Bible is clearly necessary in order to preserve the moral purity of our innocent youth. I mean,there obviously is no nudity, fornication, or adultery

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097271946205370992004-10-08T14:40:00.000-07:002004-10-08T14:45:46.206-07:00

Well, neither I nor Donnie won the bet. Instead, the house negro won the bet. That darned darkie bet $20 that Cheney would channel enough Pure Evil(tm) to make it through the debate, and claimed that Cheney would not have a heart attack during the debate because, the last time Cheney had a heart attack, he had the surgeons remove his heart and replace it with a dark sphere of pure pulsating evil.

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097269733801255752004-10-08T13:59:00.000-07:002004-10-08T14:52:54.886-07:00

Look, we good conservatives know that those universities are all full of un-Christian LIE-berals pushing those phony ideas like "reasoning", "thought", and "science" when all that we need is faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ, and in His holy annointed (with Crisco!) Bush administration here on Earth, but look: this is just too much. General J.C. Christian, Patriot, alerts us to yet another outrage

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097222550926820972004-10-08T01:40:00.000-07:002004-10-08T10:36:12.053-07:00

This is Sluggo, my daughter's pet banana slug. He is a fat healthy slug, as you can see by the hiking pole beside him, which is a nice sturdy hiking pole that shows he's about 5 inches long. Sluggo spends most of his time in the redwood forest near the University of California-Santa Cruz (a notorious "stoner school" that my daughter investigated a few years back) turning redwood needles into

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097183518909999062004-10-07T13:20:00.000-07:002004-10-07T14:11:58.910-07:00

Fresh from our success in protecting America from the dire threat posed by Cat Stevens, our brave Republican Party has foiled yet another threat to America: Clean underwear. That's right, America is threatened by clean underwear and noodles. It is clear, clear I say, that our Administration must take charge from treasonous traitors such as Isabella County Prosecutor Larry Burdick who retorted,

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097092582514822892004-10-06T13:51:00.000-07:002004-10-06T13:02:27.733-07:00

This just in from some treasonous fool at the Chicago Tribune (soon to be jobless): Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. There's nothing wrong with that light bulb. It has served us honorably. When you say it's burned out, you're giving encouragement to the forces of darkness. Once we install a light bulb, we never, ever change it. Real

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097030253342431142004-10-05T19:22:00.000-07:002004-10-05T20:15:43.786-07:00

Dear Leader's Puppeteer shows who's the REAL power behind the Presidency, and also demonstrated why us good Republicans are going to kick some Democrat butt next month. I am proud, proud I say, of our valiant Deputy Leader. He lies with a straight face and without ever blinking his eyes or any other sign that he was lying. Meanwhile, that wuss John Edwards is such a weenie he flinched from using

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1097020422067355732004-10-05T16:40:00.000-07:002004-10-05T17:16:10.450-07:00

Our Great Leader, fresh off his victory in the last debate, has come up with a sure-fired way to get even more advantage over Kerry in his next debate: Wear his flight suit to remind people of his brave service to our nation in the Texas Air National Guard. In the meantime, Dear Leader's Puppeteer is about to debate John-boy Trial Lawyer Edwards (hey, did I mention that he's an evil trial

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096921470680771072004-10-04T13:29:00.000-07:002004-10-04T13:54:00.386-07:00

Look at that slacker! He ought to be manning twin .50's atop a M113, and instead there he is, lollygagging about in bed when he ought to be working! Sure his leg is shattered by an explosive device that turned the door of his HMMV into shrapnel that gellied the bones in that leg, but look, that's why they invented *crutches*. And then he has the audacity to whine about how our Great Leader's

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096679115795663942004-10-01T17:44:00.000-07:002004-10-01T18:05:15.796-07:00

We've liberated these little Iraqi children, and as reported last week, Samarra is a beaming success story. Which of course is why *this* week, we have to attack Samarra in order to take it back from the insurgents. Look, we're here in Iraq to kick butt and take names! Okay, so a few of the little Iraqi children end up liberated before their time, but look, everybody dies. The real question is

General Kermithttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18118790719962047128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096618902729589292004-10-01T01:11:00.000-07:002004-10-01T01:21:42.730-07:00

Today's creature: a DEMON-cat. Who is, obviously, a DEMON-crat. Like all DEMON-crats, he has no respect for private property. His favorite hobbies are chewing wires, shredding rolls of toilet paper, and chewing anything rubber. A few days ago he pulled my son's spare inner tube for his mountain bike out of the bin where it lived, and has thus far chewed several large holes into it. Sometimes I

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096599114008421032004-09-30T19:47:00.000-07:002004-09-30T19:51:54.006-07:00

I applaud the great U.S. Representative Dennis Hastert, and his amendments to the 9/11 bill to legalize torture of terrorists(*) (or, rather, legalize exporting them to Egypt or Syria so the Egyptians or Syrians can torture them for us, don't want to get our own dainty hands dirty, after all!). What if we get a tip that there's a ticking noo-clear bomb under a major city, and we catch one of the

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096508070051267132004-09-29T18:15:00.000-07:002004-09-29T18:34:30.053-07:00

Yet another once-reputable news source is using forged documents to attack our Great Leader's service to his country. These documents are fake because: Times New Roman was not available in 2001, when the earliest of these documents was published. Proportional spacing could not be done with stone hammers and chisels, which is all that was available back in the dark ages of 2001. Look at this

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096410806327981932004-09-28T15:28:00.000-07:002004-09-28T15:36:36.346-07:00

Amen, brother! My friends at the Republican National Convention know that Democrats eat babies for lunch, want to ban the Bible (even that John Edwards feller, who professes to be a bible-thumpin' Christian), cause your hound dog to die and your pickup truck to rust and the floor to fall out from under your double-wide, and uhm oh yeah, they'll raise taxes until you gotta pay your boss to hire

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1096398990731408092004-09-28T10:33:00.000-07:002004-09-28T13:38:39.420-07:00

I am proud to announce that Michael Moore is now illegal. If you spot this enemy of the State anywhere, please contact the FBI. He has told too many lies(*) about our Great Leader, and *must* be stopped! Yours in enjoying freedom(**), John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America (*) Lies: Facts unapproved by the Ministry of Truth (**) Freedom: Expressing opinions and engaging in

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095976346527824782004-09-23T13:55:00.000-07:002004-09-23T14:52:26.526-07:00

As we all know, the Department of Homeland Security recently saved America from a diabolical plot by Cat Stevens to destroy America with his nasal whine, a diabolical plot so evil, so horrid, that not only was Cat Stevens detained and deported upon entering America, but his jetliner was diverted to Bangor Maine in order to protect our nation's capital from the driven-insane piloting that would

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095887167636432992004-09-22T14:02:00.000-07:002004-09-22T15:00:54.506-07:00

We prevented a dastardly terrorist weilding musical instruments from traveling in the nation. That dastardly Cat Stevens really threatens America, big time! Now, some ask why we had to divert the plane. I mean, washed-up musicians typically aren't viewed as people who are about to hijack a jet at knifepoint. But look, we're talking about a man who tortured more Americans in his time than Saddam

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095869736862880472004-09-22T08:37:00.000-07:002004-09-22T11:59:18.703-07:00

One of the little-known things is that I'm more than a songwriter, I'm also a lawyer! As such, I'd like to point out my sterling record for terrorist convictions: Zero convictions for 5,000 arrests. Well, for terrorism, anyhow. But then, New Orleans whores are terrorists, aren't they? Las Vegas strip club owners are terrorists, aren't they? Marijuana smugglers are terrorists, aren't they? Money

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095661829737495712004-09-19T23:25:00.000-07:002004-09-19T23:30:29.736-07:00

Look, it doesn't matter what Osama bin Laden is up to. Oh sure, he attacked America on 9/11/2001 and killed 2,000+ Americans, but see, he's just one man. It's much more important to have 130,000 American troops in Iraq killing lots of darkies there, than to have those 130,000 American troops searching the hinterlands of Afghanistan and Pakistan where Osama is hiding. See, it's just that our

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095571801816867632004-09-18T22:28:00.000-07:002004-09-18T22:30:01.816-07:00

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095493657929269712004-09-18T01:37:00.000-07:002004-09-18T00:47:37.930-07:00

Look, us conservatives just aren't very sexy, I gotta admit. Look at me. I'm kinda beady-eyed and got jowls like an Arkansas razorback. Look at Paul Wolfowitz. He looks like a total dweeb. So what's a good compassionate conservative supposed to do? Well, the Bible tells us the way. The Bible says, in Ruth 1:4, "Shepherd, thou shalt take up thy staff, and go unto the village, and purvey unto

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095401103569509162004-09-17T01:54:00.000-07:002004-09-16T23:40:40.463-07:00

My understanding is that no blog is complete without some sort of creature on Friday. So here's a creature: This is His Royal Highness George The Cat, Guardian of Catnip, Defender of the Holy Food Bowl, Shredder of Legs, uhm, okay. He is reasserting his ownership of his scanner and printer. His college degree is on the wall behind him. Now we can get back to our daily Kerry bashing... uhm....

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095366757535984312004-09-16T13:31:00.000-07:002004-09-16T13:32:37.536-07:00

Today I'm turning my blog over to Georgie: Because we acted to defend ourselves, because we acted in our self interest, more than 50 million people in Iraq and Afghanistan are now free. Our mission is clear in Afghanistan and Iraq. At the heart of my policy is my deep belief in the transformational power of liberty to change the world. I believe in freedom. This young century will be

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1095176705878395442004-09-14T08:35:00.000-07:002004-09-14T09:03:37.543-07:00

Kerry is weak on national security because he won't kill as many darkies as our great leader does. Remember, the security of our nation depends upon how many darkies we can slaughter and pile up, either directly via our own bombs, or indirectly by pushing their country into civil war. Kerry is one of those LIE-berals, who doesn't believe in wanton slaughter of darkies (especially the women and

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1094745337946836442004-09-09T08:36:00.000-07:002004-09-09T08:55:37.946-07:00

Look, little Georgie did NOT crash a TANG trainer jet while flying drunk and high with his friend Jimmy Bath, and that had nothing to do with why he and his superior officers quietly agreed he should never fly again, with the missed flight physical as his excuse. And he did NOT buy his girlfriend an illegal abortion, that had NOTHING to do with him having to flee Texas for Alabama barely two

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1094687846839965372004-09-08T14:21:00.000-07:002004-09-08T17:04:35.436-07:00

Well, here I was a' walking down the halls of the Department of Justice, humming "Let the Eagle Soar", and who do I come across but Badtux the Libertarian Penguin squawkin' about how he got kicked off of Tacitus.org for pointing out that advocating the extermination of the Wahabi was, well, kinda like Hitler advocating the extermination of the Jews. Now, you know them penguins, they're kinda

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1094591501740237722004-09-07T13:44:00.000-07:002004-09-07T14:13:06.383-07:00

I am proud to announce that one thousand American soldiers have been liberated from their Earthly body and gone to Jesus in Iraq! Now, to those filthy DEMON-crats who say we good Republicans ought to be ashamed of ourselves for starting a war in Iraq based on lies about weapons of mass destruction, why, what a bunch of filthy un-Christian atheistic LIE-berals they are! Don't they believe in God

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1094398253471617142004-09-05T08:17:00.000-07:002004-09-05T08:30:53.473-07:00

I love that word! Don't you love that word? It gives such great images, of a bunch of towel-heads wearing white bathrobes marching in jackboots to trample the world beneath their feet of their conquering hoards, with the best tanks and fighter planes and soldiers in the world at their beck and call. Of course it's utter bunk. Fascism, as implemented by the only fascist rules in human history (

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1094091573136423072004-09-01T18:28:00.000-07:002004-09-01T19:19:33.136-07:00

I am proud of my colleagues at the Department of Homeland Security, who are defending our nation from that most horrific of terrorists, the most dastardly of villains, that most deadly of fiends: University professors. Yesterday I told you about how I managed to deal with another of those evil villains (between singing yet another rousing course of Let The Eagle Soar and classifying the

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1093983556991988982004-08-31T13:06:00.000-07:002004-08-31T13:19:16.990-07:00

That is why I am proud to announce that my Department of Justice has jailed a scientist for reporting that somebody stole botulism from his lab. Oh sure, I know that botulism is one of the most common organisms in the world, that it's growing in most refrigerators, and that it's useless for bioterrorism. We had to make an example of the man -- he's doing that evil SCIENCE stuff, and must be

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1093764321065185832004-08-28T22:51:00.000-07:002004-08-29T00:40:54.906-07:00

Okay, so the Swift Boat Veterans For The Truth turned out to be neither particularly swift nor particular truthful, and most Americans no longer believe anything they say. But so what? You silly liberals think this is over? No way! Look: We Republicans lie. We lie often and we lie well. We will invent more smears, one after the other, until one catches. This is our revenge out in the flyover

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1093591513072129422004-08-26T23:56:00.000-07:002004-08-27T00:25:13.073-07:00

Carlos Arredondo, the father of a Marine, had just been notified that his son thanks to George W. Bush had got to meet Jesus in person. So of course Mr. Arrendo, bursting with pride and joy, did what any other red-blooded American man would have done: He tried to join his son in Heaven by burning himself alive, just like Thich Quang Duc. I am proud, proud I say, to know that there are Americans

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1093310644333017552004-08-23T18:20:00.000-07:002004-08-23T18:24:04.333-07:00

Hey, did you know that John Kerry's picture is on the front page of our Great Leader's re-election web site more times than our Great Leader's picture? (four times as of right now, 6-23-2004 PDT, with not a SINGLE picture of our Great Leader). Boy, it sure is generous of Georgie to give John-boy so much advertising on his web site! Meanwhile, John-boy's web site is dull, dull, dull, and has not a

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1093308892486804382004-08-23T17:32:00.000-07:002004-08-23T18:06:26.530-07:00

Oh sure, David Joseph is a little guy, about 5-foot-5, maybe 115 pounds. And sure, that nasty Constitution thingy says that no person shall be deprived of liberty except via due process of law, but look, that "due process of law" thing is silly. All it takes is my word to keep that little pickininney in prison as long as I feel like! Look, everybody knows them darkies were better off as slaves,

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1093041069613732542004-08-20T13:26:00.000-07:002004-08-20T15:31:09.613-07:00

I know some of you wondered where I have been the rest of this week, but it's a simple explanation: Georgie invited me to his pig farm(1) in Crawford, Texas, for vacation! The first thing that happened when I got there was that the Secret Service gave me a tour of the place by helicopter: Notice the pig barn in the foreground. There used to be five of these on the property, but our Great

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092701897337817092004-08-16T16:44:00.000-07:002004-08-16T17:20:45.450-07:00

Okay, so our Great Leader was born with a silver spoon in his mouth (soon extracted and used to snort blow), is heir to several family fortunes, and has more money than John F. Kerry (a man born to a low-paid government bureaucrat who never had any money until he married a rich wife) will ever have. But look, he's a man of the people, and John F. Kerry isn't! Look, it's all about them big words

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092638851096981112004-08-15T23:42:00.000-07:002004-08-15T23:47:31.096-07:00

Okay, sure, we've managed to kill thousands of civilians with our bombs in Iraq. But look, it's not as if we're killing PEOPLE. They're, like, IRAQIS. Not human. Look, unless they have the same values as me, the same skin color, the same socio-economic status, etc., they aren't people. They're the Enemy, and thus it's okay to destroy them. It's like when I was a kid, when the city cops went

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092448914453262802004-08-13T18:17:00.000-07:002004-08-13T19:01:54.453-07:00

I must admit that I've been reading too much of Eschaton lately, trying to understand those LIE-berals. It's as if they live in a total bizarro world, where our Great Leader is an AWOL slacker rather than a war hero, John F. Kerry served heroically in Vietnam instead of spending the whole war on his yaught avoiding combat, and Kerry actually has a chance of winning this November (HAH! And cows

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092369925760639872004-08-12T21:02:00.000-07:002004-08-12T21:05:25.760-07:00

So I was over on Atrios looking at the postings by all those Democratic traitors, and noticed that they're upset that our Great Leader did not tell the truth about his service in the National Guard. Hahaha! Those people are so pathetic, what with their devotion to the "truth" and stuff. Look. Us good Republicans lie. We lie boldly and we lie often. And guess what -- MOST OF THE PEOPLE BELIEVE OUR

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092340391480979162004-08-12T12:30:00.000-07:002004-08-12T12:53:11.480-07:00

The LIE-berals whine that Bush lied about his service in the Air National Guard. But now, shocking new evidence has come out about where Bush spent the missing 14 months where he apparently was paid to not show up: Young Lt. Bush was actually on a secret mission to deliver turkee to our brave troops in Vietnam! Contrast that to John Kerry's war record, where he was given a ton of medals to

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092266979821940272004-08-11T15:43:00.000-07:002004-08-11T18:08:12.703-07:00

Today I am proud to announce that a dangerous criminal, already once part of a terrorist crime, has once again been arrested and put into his proper place. This dangerous terrorist attacked one of New York's finest and, with an assortment of karate chops and sheer muscle power, threatened the safety of two police officers who had to wrestle him bodily to the ground and then handcuff him and haul

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1092154268911505252004-08-10T09:03:00.000-07:002004-08-10T09:11:08.910-07:00

Oh, I know the news seems bleak from Iraq lately, what with the whole country seeming at the edge of rebellion again and Sistani's health failing and Iraq likely to fall into civil war when he dies. But it's not that bad! We're winning! Our body counts show we've depleted the population of Vietnam several times over, so the V.C. will have no cadre soon! We kill a hundred V.C. for every one of

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091947905132710122004-08-07T23:48:00.000-07:002004-08-07T23:51:45.133-07:00

Be good, or God-Jesus shalt smite you with his holy cross (right before he burns you with his red laser eyes!). And then Uncle Sam will cut off your chicken supply. I am... stunned.

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091857021176777752004-08-06T22:28:00.000-07:002004-08-06T22:38:24.953-07:00

Andy Borowitz claims that I'm thinking about a partial restoration of the Bill of Rights, but only on alternate days, during posted hours. Lies! All lies! We must racially profile news photographers, force the ACLU and other non-profit organizations to blacklist anybody who protests against our Great Leader so that they can no longer get jobs, and harass random people for two-year-old unsolved

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091824111497437762004-08-06T13:11:00.000-07:002004-08-06T13:28:31.496-07:00

That great Republican hero, Giblets, has now come out with the DEFINITIVE proof that John Kerry is no hero! Says Giblets: Well Giblets has finally had it up to here with John Kerry and he will not remain silent any longer! As Giblets has noted before, Giblets sorta-served with John Kerry in Vietnam on his very same swift boat - or on some swift boat or looked at a picture of a swift boat or

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091764631952916472004-08-05T20:50:00.000-07:002004-08-05T20:57:11.953-07:00

The Rupert Murdoch Award for Courage is a prestigious award, similar to the Rupert Murdoch Award for Accuracy in Media in nature. The proud owner of this year's award is Fox News's Chief Political Correspondent, Carl Cameron. When FBI investigators threatened Mr. Cameron with jail unless he shopped a source to them, he did what any other hard-bitten reporter would do when the Feds demanded he

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091740520803173502004-08-05T13:52:00.000-07:002004-08-05T14:15:20.803-07:00

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. Today I want to talk about peaceful and democratic Iraq where all views are welcome and freedom reigns. As a force for peace in the Middle East, Iraq is indeed one of our Great Leader's greatest victories, for which he shall be remembered

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091640631931040322004-08-04T10:23:00.000-07:002004-08-04T10:30:31.930-07:00

Missouri: the Show-Me Hate State. I am proud of all those folks in my home state of Missouri who so proudly uphold Jesus's injunction to love thy neighbor as long as he's white, straight, and has the same beliefs as you do. (And everybody else, Jesus says you're free to hate). They show us just what Christianity means in today's America. Remember, if you haven't accepted our Lord as your

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091559795986332682004-08-03T11:49:00.000-07:002004-08-03T12:03:15.986-07:00

Okay, so it turns out that the information used to issue Sunday's terror alert was years old, and critics say that it was all about politics and actually hurt the security of the United States of America. But the critics are wrong! Sure, the data was years old. But our super-competent FBI, which is so willing to accept responsibility for its failures, looked at the data again and discovered that

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091479369023264942004-08-02T13:32:00.000-07:002004-08-02T13:42:49.023-07:00

As reported by Minister of Fear Tom Ridge, the terrorists are in New York too! Remain calm. Don't panic. AGH! THE TERRORISTS ARE COMING! AGH! None of this has anything, of course, to do with trying to distract reporters from their left-wing worship of Kerry/Edwards in the wake of the Democratic National Convention. For true! Meanwhile, here is the scene in New York City as we speak: Ah

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091261351465097812004-07-31T00:38:00.000-07:002004-07-31T01:09:11.466-07:00

Our super-competent FBI, fresh from hiring half the Boston Mafia, now says that al Qaeda is about to wage a spectacular attack in the state of New Mexico. New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, informed of this, was last seen wandering around Albuquerque looking for anything that any terrorist would ever want to attack, much like Diogenese searching with his lantern for an honest man. In other news

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091137289292098272004-07-29T12:06:00.000-07:002004-07-29T14:41:29.293-07:00

Last night at Constitution Hall in Philadelphia I honored our brave men and women in the FBI with a public Constitution-burning. I handed out these prizes: For whistle-blower Sibel Edmonds, a gag order so she can't tell people how badly the FBI's translation department is run. For the morons in the FBI's anti-terrorism HQ who let the 9/11 hijackers board planes on 9/11 while I was busy

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091131006492067442004-07-29T07:46:00.000-07:002004-07-29T14:42:47.336-07:00

Okay, okay, it's true. I am Spy-der-man, the superhero who is keeping America safe from LIE-berals and terrorists (hold it, I don't need to count them twice!). My life is ruined now, but at least you know the truth. If these dastardly LIE-berals' revelation of my secret identity did not come up automatically (maybe you have a popup stopper enabled?), try here. Yours in fighting freedom, John

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1091029935270886912004-07-28T08:37:00.000-07:002004-07-28T08:52:15.280-07:00

Boy, I love the resolute look on the face of our Great Leader, as he sits there for seven minutes reading My Pet Goat to schoolkids after being told, "Our nation is under attack, Mr. President" on 9/11/2001. That's the look of real intelligence, the look of a resolute man who knows exactly what he's going to do and is detirmined to do it. That expression on the face of our Great Leader, and his

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1090981574013089662004-07-27T19:20:00.000-07:002004-07-27T19:26:14.013-07:00

I'm now officially the most fantastic Attorney General in history! And in related news, I'm putting a bunch of darkies in jail for giving money to Hamas before Hamas committed its first terrorist act. Look, they shoulda just KNOWN that Hamas was gonna go bad! Oh sure, I know Hamas represented themselves as a charity, but look, they're an ISLAMIC organization! And all of them Islamic darkies are

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1090894171390867092004-07-26T19:03:00.000-07:002004-07-26T19:09:31.390-07:00

Democratic Party Values on display: a military policeman observes the internees in the concentration camp ("free speech zone") outside the Boston convention center. But hey, it's no more than I'm going to be doing to protesters in New York City in a few weeks' time. Yeah, I know that the DEMON-crats like to whine that they're better than us good Republicans, but they're not. We're better than

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1090824428215783812004-07-25T23:36:00.000-07:002004-07-25T23:57:45.856-07:00

The fine folks at the Daily Kos kicked me out within hours of me posting my first diary over there. I must say that I am pleased and gratified that the DEMON-crats endorse my agenda so complete (i.e., that the only good speech is censored speech). Between their behavior in interning protesters in concentration camps and censoring posters on one of their mouthpiece blogs, the only thing lacking

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1090799321204813452004-07-25T16:33:00.000-07:002004-07-25T16:48:41.203-07:00

That great LIE-beral Pat Buchanon keeps insisting that all of America is a free speech zone, and criticizes us good people in the Bush Administration for forcing protesters(*) into razor-wire-lined concentration camps far from where they could be seen or heard. Well, first of all, anybody criticizing our Great Leader is giving aid and comfort to our nation's enemies (remember, our Great Leader IS

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1090482991349329672004-07-22T00:32:00.000-07:002004-07-22T00:56:31.350-07:00

I am proud to announce that the 900th American soldier has been brought to Jesus in Iraq. He is in heaven now, where his hound dogs will never get distemper and his trailer will always be a double-wide and the beer never runs out while he's down fishing at the fishing hole and the fish are always biting and his pickup truck don't rust. He's gone to Jesus and is in a better place, and we should

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258818.post-1090391329617158162004-07-20T23:20:00.000-07:002004-07-20T23:28:49.616-07:00

The last vote you'll ever have to cast. I mean, really. Once you've elected our Great Leader as President for Life, why should you ever need to vote again? Only the Bush administration stands between America and national collapse into atheism, socialism, black helicopters, and gay marriage. Remember, a vote for Kerry is a vote for bin Laden! Yours in supporting George W. Bush as President for

Johnnyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14740895300121305244noreply@blogger.com