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Friday, November 12, 2004

Farewell, my friends 

for I, Johnny, your former Attorney General am trotting off into that glorious sunset of later life, where I shall finally have the time to make the gospel albums that I always wanted to make while running my little roadside cafe'. It has been fun, but I am tired, and it's time to putter in the garden (at least, when there are no calico cats around) and work on my new songs.

I may check in from time to time, when I have new songs to share with you (as soon as I figure out how to upload them without using a mouse! Leviticus 11:29 says that mice are un-Godly!). If so, I will mention it on my friend Karlie's new blog (Karlie is typing this in for me, since I haven't figured out how to browse the web without a mouse either):

Obey Big Brother



Farewell, and thanks for the good times!

- Your (former) Attorney General

Thursday, November 11, 2004

What a bunch of whiners 

The liberal media, fresh from lying about our Glorious Leader's combat record in Vietnam where he single-handedly killed a million jillion commies while bringing turkee to our brave troops, is now whining about how my hand-picked successor, Alberto R. Gonzales, wrote a memo condoning torture. Well, DUH! Like my buddy Alberto sez, the Geneva conventions are quaint and obsolete.

Look, you silly LIE-berals: We won. So quit your whining. America spoke, and they agree with our values. They agree that torturing darkies is just fine and dandy. They love red meat, dead darkies on the television screen. They revel in their hatred for the Other, they rejoice in the lamentations of the widows, in the sight of dead children, bloody red guts splattered across the pavement. We are the United States of Fuckin'A Ass Kickers, yessiree. We are a nation founded on genocide of the Native Americans (of whom a few were left alive on reservations, sure enough, but that was just us being generous, we'll be just as generous to the LIE-berals once we start rounding THEM up to put them on the reservations!), we are a nation that was born in blood, blood of those who opposed the American Revolution as well as of the British soldiers who fought to preserve the British Empire, we love our blood, we lust for blood, we adore blood and violence and hate. It is part of our national character, part of our soul, a storm that erupts every few decades and feeds the animal that lives at the heart of every American, feeds the darkness...

The Party feels your need, brave Americans. The Party knows. And we give you what you want. That is why the LIE-berals will never win. The LIE-berals think that man has a better nature. We in the Party know better.

Orwellianly Yours,
John Asscroft, Attorney General (for now), Untied States of America

The Chinese had the right idea 

When protesters clogged up Tiananmen Square and interfered with people's right to go about their daily business without smelling those smelly protesters, the Chinese sent in the tanks and squished them flat.

We're working up to doing the same with our own smelly protesters. How DARE these supporters of terrorism(*) protest our Glorious Leader's benevolent policy of killing darkies by the tens of thousands and helping our soldiers go home to Jesus early! Next time, I swear to you, we will squash them flat with the tanks, and then my hand-picked successor, Alberto Gonzales, will write a memo saying that it's okay. He's a lot better at that memo-writing stuff than I am!

Yours in adoring China's approach to dissent (SPLAT!),
John Asscroft, (soon to be former) Attorney General, Untied States of America

(*)Supporters of terrorism: Anybody who criticizes our Glorious Leader's wise and benevolent policies.

Does it Matter? 

Does it matter?-losing your legs?...
For people will always be kind,
And you need not show that you mind
When the others come in after hunting
To gobble their muffins and eggs.

Does it matter ?-losing your sight?...
There's such splendid work for the blind;
And people will always be kind,
As you sit on the terrace remembering
And turning your face to the light.

Do they matter?-those dreams from the pit?...
You can drink and forget and be glad,
And people won't say that you're mad;
For they'll know you've fought for your country
And no one will worry a bit.

-- Siegfreid Sassoon, 1918
-- Unknown Marine, Fallujah, Iraq, 2004

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Bush man date is a LIE! 

The Internets are full of talk about Bush's man date. But it's a lie! Look, Georgie and Prince Bandar Bush are just FRIENDS. That's all. They're not holding hands like, like.... SODOMISTS. They're just holding hands like manly men hold hands! And Bandar Bush doesn't have the same name as Georgie Bush 'cause they got married, he's just, like, ADOPTED! Surely you don't begrudge a little darkie the right to be adopted by a rich and powerful American?!

And oh, by the way, I heard some of the Prince's music the other day, and gotta say, what the heck was he thinking?! I mean, what's all that "purple rain" stuff about, anyhow?! Gimme good Gospel sounds like Let the Eagle Soar any time of the day! But look, the Prince may wear a dress, but he IS manly, he IS, and they're just holding hands like manly men, not like... like... heathen sodomists!

Yours in Disgust at those LIE-beral LIARS,
John Asscroft, (soon to be former) Attorney General, Untied States of America

Survivors 

No doubt they’ll soon get well; the shock and strain
Have caused their stammering, disconnected talk.
Of course they’re ‘longing to go out again,’—
These boys with old, scared faces, learning to walk.
They’ll soon forget their haunted nights; their cowed
Subjection to the ghosts of friends who died,—
Their dreams that drip with murder; and they’ll be proud
Of glorious war that shatter’d all their pride...
Men who went out to battle, grim and glad;
Children, with eyes that hate you, broken and mad.


Siegfried Sassoon
Craiglockart. October, 1917.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Hatred cleanses the heart 

in a vat of liquid fire. Hatred exists for the same reason as religion: because we as human beings have built into our souls a need for an explanation, a need for reasons why our pathetic lives of quiet desperation are so pathetic. The Party understands this. The Party feels your need. We give you what you want -- hatred, hatred of all things liberal, hatred of Michael Moore, hatred of brown people in the Middle East, a cleansing hatred that scours the heart and turns it to stone, that takes the weight of blame for the pathetic uselessness of your life off of your shoulders and places it on to the shoulders of others. Hatred is the backbone of the Party. I hate Islamo-fascists, liberals, and Michael Moore. Don't you hate Islamo-fascists, liberals, and Michael Moore too?

Yours in hate,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Matthew 25.31-46 

31 When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory.
32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats,
33 and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. 34Then the king will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world;
35 for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me,
36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.”
37 Then the righteous will answer him, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink?
38 And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing?
39 And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?”
40 And the king will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family,* you did it to me.”
41 Then he will say to those at his left hand, “You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels;
42 for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink,
43 I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.”
44 Then they also will answer, “Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?”
45 Then he will answer them, “Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.”
46 And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.

Jesus was a liberal?!

Monday, November 08, 2004

The Acme Insurgent Detector(tm) 

We have a cordon around Fallujah, and are only allowing civilians out. How do we know whether someone is an insurgent or not? Simple! We use the handy-dandy Acme Insurgent Detector(tm)! Point this at someone, and it immediately tells you whether he's an insurgent or not!

The use of this device was pioneered by Serbian militiamen at Srebrenica in Bosnia, and detected tens of thousands of insurgents amongst the male population of Srebrenica. Well, it detected that the entire male population of Srebrenica was an insurgent, and they were all shot and buried in mass graves, but what the hey, just a minor malfunction, it ain't gonna happen with today's high-tech Acme Insurgent Detector(tm), right? Right?!

Yours in adoring military technology,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Democrats are out of touch with America 

It's official: Democrats are out of touch with American values. Remember, morality is decided by the majority, not handed down by God. And the majority, 51% worth of them, spoke on November 2.

If you are one of those heathen godless Democrats, it's time for me to teach you what your new democratically-ordained values are:

  1. Fags are evil, and God hates them.
  2. Gay marriage will cause all our boys to become swishy fellers and all our girls to become manly gals, and thus must be banned.
  3. Abortions are evil, if a man rapes his daughter and his daughter becomes pregnant, she should be forced to carry the baby to term, even if it puts her own life in danger because she's only 12 years old.
  4. Them dusky fellers is suspicious and it's fine to jail them without a trial or bomb and kill hundreds of thousands of'em 'cause, like, they're all terrorists anyhow.
  5. If one group of them dusky fellers attacks us, it's okay to bomb, kill, maim and destroy another group of darkies who had nothing to do with the ones who attacked us, 'cause they're not Americans and probably terrorists anyhow.
  6. It's fine to hate other people, 'cause, like, God tells us to hate.
  7. Remember, God did not tell us to love our neighbor, God told us to smack our neighbor upside the head and kill his children, bomb his land, steal his oil, and install a CIA agent as his new dictator. It says so right there in the Bible!
  8. Facts don't matter, only faith matters.
  9. Science class should teach religion, not science.
  10. Everybody should be forced to pray in and attend bible study in schools, especially those heathen darkies who practice that evil "Buddhism" or "Hinduism" or whatever other silly nonsense they claim to follow instead of the One True Faith.
  11. Reality is whatever Rush Limbaugh says it is.

If you refuse to believe all of this despite the majority of your fellow Americans telling you that you're wrong, why, you're an out of touch elitist, and it's only right that you're hated and despised by the majority of Americans!

Yours in educating those loathsome Democrats,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Friday Creature Blogging 



This is a BIG POOPY BIRD. He just decides to use somebody's car as a seat, poops on it, and then flies away.

This is a good Republican bird. Like a good Republican talks about chemical wastes and why it's no big deal that people can poop on the countryside with all these noxious wastes and then close shop and fly away somewhere else without cleaning. That's the way to do things, yes indeed!

Poopily Yours,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The death of dreams 

Once upon a time, there was a dreamer:

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair. I say to you today, my friends, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live outt he true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"


Ah, but what does the average American dream of? The average American's dreams are small, pale things, dreams of things like getting out of debt, being able to pay all his bills and have a little money left over at the end of the month, dreams that if he just wishes hard enough his children might actually make something of themselves instead of spending their lives in McJobs chanting "Will there be fries with that order, sir?", tiny worms of dreams easily crushed and easily channeled into hatred of scapegoats -- hatred of liberals, hatred of gays, hatred of brown Islamic peoples overseas.

Where have all the dreamers gone, the dreamers who dream big, who draw others into the dream, move millions to dream? They are dead, gone, the worms have eaten their bodies and their souls gone to God. Some are dead of bullets, and some of lies. And some walk the streets with dead souls and dead eyes, living one day after the next until the day their body dies.

The American dream is gone. The American dream is dead, dead of cynicism, dead of lies. It may be that some how, some way, the dream might rise again. But until the death of dreams is recognized, there shall be no such resurrection, no such redemption. There will only be small, pale worms of dreams, easily crushed, easily chained to the will of the Party elite. All that is left is to mark each day, one by one, as you live from paycheck to paycheck in your pathetic lives of quiet desperation, while we good Party officials laugh at your plight. Things will not get better. Ever. It would not be in the best interests of the Party to ever give you the leisure to educate yourself and think and dream. Dreamers are to the Party what kryptonite is to Superman, and thus it is in our best interests to make sure that people are working so hard just to survive that they have no time left to dream.

This is your life, this pathetic life of quiet desperation that you live. This is your life. Forever.

Orwellianly Yours,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The Heart of Darkness 

To that silly young LIE-beral darkie Oliver Willis, who is upset because of this letter sent to the sodomist Andrew Sullivan, and whines that conservatives are "ruining America": Grow up, child. Oliver, you, of all people, should know just how evil the American people can be when hatred and bigotry are used by politicians to motivate them. (Hint: the period 1876-1954, when "uppity negros" were legally disenfranchised and regularly lynched).

The Party discovered (or rather, copied from the Southern Democrats), back in the days of Richard Nixon, that hatred and bigotry sell. Human beings are instinctually tribalistic, where all who are part of your tribe are human and all who are not, well, aren't, and thus okay to do evil things to. Education and leadership can overcome this tribalism, but the educational system of the United States has been systematically dismantled and destroyed over the past 30 years (ironically, the destruction was started by liberals who felt traditional U.S. education was "stifling"), to the point where all that happens today in our schools is training, not education. Even our universities have largely turned into training institutions, where human resources are trained in how to perform specific tasks rather than given the broad education in critical thinking, operational statistics, history, and philosophy needed in order to become a fully functional human being.

The Party did not suddenly discover a previously-unknown bottomless well of evil at the heart of the American soul. All we did was pander to that evil that was always there, and channel it towards our goals. That has been the modus operandi of the Party for the past 30+ years, sometimes successfully (Willy Horton, anybody? "Welfare queens", anybody?), sometimes not (didn't work for George H.W. Bush against Clinton, but then Clinton had help from the malevolent dwarf in '92).

Deny this darkness at the heart of the American soul, a darkness that has existed since the early days of this nation's existence when human beings were bought and sold as property, and you deny history, nay, you deny reality. The fact of the matter is that America has always had a large segment that is ignorant and filled with hate, and has always had politicians willing to take advantage of that in order to win elections. What has happened today is that the Party has gained a new set of tools for swaying masses of the hate-filled bigots and religious zealots intent upon imposing their religion upon all -- an entire parallel universe of media spewing talking points demonizing anybody who opposes their Glorious Leader or His holy annointed mission. Whether you stay in America and fight the darkness, or decide to deprive America of your talents and tax dollars and go overseas, there is no escaping the darkness at the heart of the American soul. As Prime Minister Trudeau of Canada once noted, "Living next door to you [United States] is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant: no matter how friendly and even-tempered the beast, one is affected by every twitch and grunt."

Well, this elephant is now awake, looking around with red in its eyes, and wanting to rip entire trees out of the ground with its mighty trunk. There is no getting away from the United States. There is only the decision of whether you can most effectively fight the beast from within, or from without -- or whether you will give in, give up, and swear allegiance to the Party like a good little GermanAmerican. If the former, you are an evil and hate-filled traitor -- how DARE you fight the darkness at the heart of the American soul! If the latter, you are an American patriot -- it is your patriotic DUTY to hate rag-heads, hate darkies, hate faggots, hate anybody who isn't like you and yours! Take your pick: traitor or patriot. You take your pick every day, whether conciously or no, in what you do or what you say. Are you a traitor (fighting the heart of American darkness)? Or are you a patriot (embracing your inner darkness)? Your Attorney General wants to know!

Yours in channeling Joseph Conrad,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Why Kerry and the Democrats lost 

Make no mistake about it, Kerry lost, regardless of what happens in Ohio. The only way for Kerry to win was to win big -- by at least 10% on the exit polls in the main battleground states -- to prove that he had a mandate for change and to make the election Diebold-proof. Mission NOT accomplished. While Democratic voters came out in record numbers, so did Republican voters, basically cancelling each other out.

So why did Kerry and the Democrats lose?

The fact of the matter is that Kerry lost because he did not understand the enemy. He tried running a political campaign against an opponent, George W. Bush, but his opponent wasn't George W. Bush. His opponent was an alternative reality where Kerry was a war shirker rather than a war hero, where Kerry was a big-spender rather than a spending cutter, where Kerry was weak on terrorism rather than being one of the most effective people in the Senate when it came to fighting terrorism. His opponent was, in the end, a large propaganda network putting out soothing lies for a willfully ignorant public, rather than George W. Bush. He ran against George W. Bush, and he lost -- because, just as Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11, George W. Bush had nothing to do with the forces that have brought Republican extremists to power in the United States. He went after the wrong opponent, and as a result, is going to be getting to do a lot of windsurfing and snowboarding in the future.

Liberals in general believe that there is an objective truth, consisting of facts. The Party knows better. The Party knows that, for most people, truth is what we tell them, through the Party-controlled media and the trickle-down words over office coolers of the official Party commissars such as Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, etc., soothing lies that they want to believe, and thus do. As long as the Democrats maintain allegience to little things like "truth" and "facts", they cannot win. Lies will always win over truth, because lies are what we really, in our heart of hearts, want to hear. We WANT to hear that we went into Iraq for righteous reasons and are winning. We WANT to hear that opponents of that Iraq policy are un-American. We WANT those cool, soothing lies. Until the Democrats realize that they are not running against a candidate, they are running against an alternative reality that we Republicans carefully present to the people, they cannot win.

Yours in Truth,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Four more years! 

As of right now, it appears, unless there's a whole lot of Kerry absentee ballots hanging around, that our Great Leader has won! Four more years! Four more wars!

I am pleased to note that the youth vote was at its typical abysmal levels. Boy, what a bunch of slackers! But the Army will knock that out of them, yessirree! (Anybody feel a DRAFT in here?).

I am just so excited about the opportunity that this election gives us for the next four years! Christianity as the Constitutionally-mandated religion of America! Gays outlawed! Forced Bible reading in the schools! The American people have spoken, and WE HAVE LISTENED!

Yours in joy,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin


Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.