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Saturday, May 29, 2004

Happy Jesus Day! 

Welcome to Jesus Day, May 29, 2004! This is a recognized holiday in the state of Texas, by order of Governor George W. Bush (Jesus's cousin) in 2000, and as ordered by Governor Goodhair in the years since.

On this day, let us give thanks to all that Jesus has given us:

  1. Pork rinds. Jesus's chosen food.
  2. Whips, dog collars, and black leather. (Note: This one was submitted by Bill Bennett while on his way to Abu Ghraib prison for a session with Mistress Lynndie England).
  3. The Bible. The only book you'll ever need.
  4. Moon pies. What's for dinner. (If you don't know, don't ask).
  5. Darkies. How else would we get our hedges trimmed and our lawns mowed? Darkies were put here on Earth to be the servants of God's people (us good white Christian folk), and we should give thanks to Jesus for his forebearance in giving us such servants, even if they do get prissy from time to time and have to be sent to Mistress England for discipline.
  6. 9/11. If not for 9/11, our Great Leader would not have an ice cube's chance in Hell of being re-elected. We love Osama bin Laden.
  7. Bill Clinton's penis. The source of all evil. With the Clenis(tm) around, we always know what has caused all our nation's ills! Thank you, Jesus, for giving us the Clenis(tm)!
  8. Fishing. Cures all the world's ills. That's why our Great Leader went fishing while Baghdad was burning. Look, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
  9. Anne Coulter. What a sexy lady! And she makes our Great Leader look sane just by existing.
  10. Jesus Christ, and his first cousin, George W. Bush, who are, like, the greatest people to have ever walked this earth. Thank you, Jesus!
  11. American values. (See picture.) Thank you, Jesus!

Well, I could go on, but look: just have a happy Jesus Day, y'hear? And make sure to read your Bible tonight!

Yours in Holy Pentecostal Babbling,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

* With thanks to PatriotBoy for use of his picture

Thursday, May 27, 2004

The other marriage that threatens America 

Two sinners going to HELL
Much has been made of the horrors of gay marriage, how it will corrupt the moral fiber of our country, force all our red-blooded American boys and girls to become swishy fellers and butch gals, and so forth. But what has been ignored is another form of marriage that threatens the moral purity of America: Geriatric marriage. Yes, marriage between wrinkled old prunes.

Look, geriatric marriage is all about sex. It's not about reproduction, those old farts are too old to reproduce. It's about that evil "sex" stuff, just like homosexual marriage. And that's just plain wrong. Remember, if it's fun, it's evil. The only proper sex is dutiful sex between man and wife intended to spawn a child, and even there, it's not supposed to be *FUN* (I suggest thinking about Michael Moore's fat hairy butt while doing your husbandly duty, that'll take all the fun out of it for sure!).

So every time you hear about some old lady and some old man getting together and tying the knot, remember: They're going to HELL!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Even Generals like jokes, sometimes 

Now, it's a state secret that most of us here in Iraq hate Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld's guts. So don't tell anybody. But we do. He keeps telling us how to do our job. I mean, he's an ex-Navy pilot, what the [croak!] does an air-head know about ground pounding?

Anyhow, here's a joke:

President Bush is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House. He has a baby pig under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

-- Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Coalition Spokesman, Baghdad, Iraq
[Ribbit!]

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Our newest prison guard in Iraq 

I am proud to announce that Spanky the Clown has now proven that he's fit to be a prison guard at Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. I mean, look, with a name like "Spanky", he's just ideally suited to apply the Rod of Correction to these naughty little Iraqi boys! He joins Lynndie England (see picture on right) as part of our crack team in Iraq, joining Virtues Czar Bill Bennett, who is going there to visit the prison as a cheap substitute for the services of Mistress Lee (says Bill, "I want to be forced to wear a dog collar and led around by a buff mistress too! Why should the Iraqis have all the fun?!").

In releated news, former President Bill Clinton was observed today eating a Big Mac. Oh the horrors! Is it any wonder that our soldiers in Iraq have proven to be so immoral, with Bill Clinton as their President?!

What? What's that you say, Karlie Rove? You mean George W. Bush is President now? Sorry, I forgot. I mean, if Bill Clinton is responsible for everything, doesn't that mean he's still President? Oh, you say that even after George W. Bush is re-elected, Bill Clinton will still be responsible for all the nation's ills? Thanks, Karlie, I was getting confused there!

Yours in Clarity under Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, May 24, 2004

Our choice for new head of Iraqi prison system 

I am proud to announce that the Department of Justice is appointing yet another sterling lawman to re-work the Iraqi prison system. In the same vein as previous appointments to lead the Iraqi justice system re-work, we have found the absolutely best candidate ever: Sheriff Joe Arpaio, self-proclaimed America's toughest Sheriff.

Your AG grasps the Rod of Correction
Look: we all know that those Iraqis have been bad boys and need regular visits from the Rod of Correction. I believe Sheriff Joe is the man to make it happen. I mean, look: here's a man so tough that he regularly kills prisoners via heat exhaustion. He is tough enough to let prisoners bleed to death with no medical treatment. If you thought that those GI's shown in those pictures knew how to have some fun, you ought to see Sheriff Joe in action!

Do not worry, my friends. I will not rest until Sheriff Joe is making the Iraqi prison system the new model for America, complete with pink underwear and green balogna.

Yours in seeking for Justice,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Back from vacation 

Note: Your Attorney General's Inner Frenchman has been on vacation the past two weeks. Thus the intermittant posts. For those waiting with bated breath for new posts: Quit eating the bait, put it on your fishhook instead! Sheesh, any good ole' Missouri boy knows better'n that!

-- John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman

Weddings of Mass Destruction found in Iraq! 

Oh sure, the Iraqis claim it was just a wedding party. Hey, they even have video showing American warplanes attacking a wedding party. But we all know what it really was -- A bunch of terrorists celebrating their acquisition of Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Look, those men and women dancing? Dancing for joy that they had a new dirty bomb for attacking New York City! Those children kicking balls around? Children practicing their grenade kicking for killing our brave American soldiers! Those musicians playing? Bagpipes! Bagpipes! Weapons of Mass Ear Destruction! Oh the horror!

So it doesn't matter what that video shows. I mean, who are you going to believe -- me, or your lying eyes?!

-- Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Coalition Spokesman, Baghdad, Iraq

Thursday, May 20, 2004

We investigate all abuse complaints 

We investigate all abuse complaints by Iraqi prisoners, and we've found out there's not really any abuse there. Take, for example, the three Reuters and one NBC reporter detained by troops in Iraq, who claim they were abused. We investigated. We asked each and every soldier at the prison, "Did you abuse those journalists?" and those soldiers said "No." So the abuse didn't happen, the journalists are just lying, 'cause they're, like, just a bunch of sand niggers, they're not good white people like you and me, so we didn't even need to interview them to find out details once our proud and brave soldiers said there was no abuse.

I mean, who are you going to believe -- an American, or a sand nigger? Sheesh.

Yours in Marching to Victory for Christ,
General Kermit, Baghdad, Iraq

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

It is our duty to lie, cheat, and steal votes 

Remember, boys and girls. Our Great Leader is, like Jesus's second cousin, and blessed by God. It is your God-given duty to do whatever it takes to get him elected. All that "morals" stuff only applies to DEMON-crats, not to us good Godly Republicans. The more lies you tell about opponents of our Great Leader, the closer to heaven you get, because he's, like, God's second cousin, y'know?

In other news, those heathen Brazilians are up to their nonsense again. They elected a terrorist(*) as President in a landslide, and have been a bunch of uppity darkies ever since. As reported some time ago, after we started harrassing Brazillians by holding them for hours and fingerprinting and interrogating them when they tried entering our country on tourist visas (they're all terrorists, after all -- I mean, they're dusky, and they don't speak English!), they started doing the same to our good God-fearing honest Americans. The audacity of them, thinking that Americans are no better than they are! And now they're getting uppity again. Only the United States has the right to bust, strip, grill, humiliate, deny entry, and send home foreign journalists, yet now those uppity darkies are acting like Americans and ejecting journalists who write lies. The AUDACITY of those uppity darkies! Don't they know that it's a God-given right to write lies about opponents of our Great Leader?!

Look, we ought to put those darkies in their place. I say that the next stop on the War on Terra ought to be Brazil. Don't you agree?

Yours in outrage over uppity darkies,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

(*)Terrorist: Anybody who disagrees with our Great Leader and his God-given policies.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

We will all die if Patriot Act is repealed 

If the Patriot Act is repealed, we will all die. The terrorists will destroy America, and slaughter each and every one of us.

Look, it's absolutely critical that I be able to snoop library records at any time. Everybody knows that terrorists will check out books titled "How to be a terrorist" right before they do terrorist acts. Plus, those librarians are all subversives, demanding that people do that nasty "think" stuff, and they have books besides the BIBLE, ick! The Bible is the only book you need!

As we speak, the terrorists are lined up at our borders with their ultra-modern Saddam II fighter jets that are better than anything in the U.S. inventory, their super-fast Saladin tanks that are faster and have better armor than any tank America has ever invented, and their awsome AK-47755 rifles that are so smart that they just fire a bullet, and the bullet will automatically detect, fly to, and kill any American soldier anywhere in a 1 mile radius. All they are waiting for is the Patriot Act to be repealed, and then they'll slaughter us all with their millions of highly trained troopers wearing body armor that M-16 bullets merely bounce off of! and with these advanced super-weapons that make our best weapons look like toys!

So remember, boys and girls, write your Congressman today. We *MUST* have the Patriot Act renewed, or we will all die!

Yours in cringing in terror before the vast terrorist hoards,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, May 07, 2004

Bill Bennett wants to go to Baghdad 

I was talking with the Virtues Czar, and he was saying, "You know, that there Iraqi prison looks pretty kinky. I thought Mistress Lee was sexy when she dominated me, but man, my weak fleshy self tingles with excitement just thinking of being in a big pile of man-flesh being dominated by those GI's!"

Well, that's not my cup of tea, but you know, Bill has a point. Ignore the thing about how he voluntarily goes to Mistress Lee to get whipped and ridden, it's clear that, just like Rush Limbaugh says, nothing worse happened than happens in a typical fraternity hazing. I mean, sure, you volunteer to join a fraternity, and nobody volunteered to go to Aby Ghraib Prison, but forget little details like that, they're not important!

Anyhow, I know what the real problem is: Bill Clinton's penis. I mean, The Clenis is responsible for all sorts of evils, such as Trent Lott being kicked out of office, Weddings of Mass Destruction, and all other moral depravity in America. It is clear that those innocent little boys and girls in the U.S. Army in Iraq were being unduly influenced by the same horrific object that caused tech stocks to collapse, the looting of WorldCom or Enron, Sept 11th, girls refusing to date you in in high school, Rush's TV show's cancellation, gun control, the deaths of Randy Weaver's family, domestic manufacturing jobs being shipped overseas, your prick boss, your wife fucking the tennis pro, and Roe v Wade. With all those evils being caused by this source of all evil in America, The Clenis, how in the world could our poor little soldier boys and soldier girls stave off this Great Evil?!

No, the answer is clear. We do not need to file charges against our soldiers in Iraq, and Rumsfeld does not need to resign. Instead, we need to impeach Clinton -- again!

Yours in Standing up for Truth and Justice against the Depraved Clenis,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Our Savior wouldn't dump on a sinner 

Look, for those who have accepted Him as Lord and Savior, there is no sin too great to be forgiven. Once a person has been Saved, has been washed in the Blood of the Lamb, then that's it. Our Lord will never reject a well-meaning penitent willing to beg His forgiveness.

That is why it is ridiculous that the press and some congressmen are demanding that Our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, dump Rumsfeld as secretary of defense. This is ridiculous. Rumsfeld has been Saved, Saved I say, has accepted our Great Leader, Jesus's second cousin, as his Lord and Savior, and no amount of Satanic nattering can make our Lord turn his back upon a sinner, especially a sinner whose only sin is applying Biblical law (the Rod of Correction) to those sinful heathen Iraqis, our little dark skinned children overseas. How can you expect our Savior to condemn a man for following the Bible? What kind of Satanists inhabit our Congress and our pressrooms anyhow?!

Look: Condi didn't get dumped for lying about Niger uranium. Karlie and Scooter didn't get dumped for breaking the law by outing a CIA agent as political retribution for exposing Condi's lies. Why should Rummy get dumped merely for applying Biblical law to those poor sinful darkies? What kind of Satanic person would say that being Washed of our Sins in the Blood of the Lamb isn't good enough for redemption?!

Yours in Worshipping our Lord and Savior,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

A final solution to the Indian Trust case 

For eight years now, those pesky American Indians have been objecting that we've stole billions of dollars from them. I don't get it. Don't they know that it's a God-given right for us white people to steal from Indians? It's, like, written in the Bible somewhere, that it's our duty steal anything we want from darkies, like that country over in the Middle East that we're in the process of stealing right now. I don't get it. Why do the darkies object to us doing our Biblical duty? After all, Jesus said that a camel would sooner go thru a needle's eye than a rich man go to heaven, surely they want to go to Heaven, right?!

Anyhow, we successfully argued before Justice Ginsberg that it's fine for Secretary of Interior Norton to lie to a federal judge, so now that we have the moral and legal high ground, I suggest a final solution to the whole Indian Trust case. The rail cars will be lining up shortly. It is our moral and ethical duty to bring those Indians to Jesus, whether they want it or not, just as it was our moral and ethical duty to bring those pesky Fallujans to Jesus with the Bible and the Bomb.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

You don't need to know 

Your Great Leader and his administration wants only the best for you. You don't need to know all this stuff that's bad for you. It would only make you cry.

Look, it's the job of every good parent to keep secrets from his children, and our Great Leader and His administration are good parents to all you little boys and girls out there. So you just get back to work doing your little 9 to 5 chores for your Big Daddy, and let us worry about all the little things, right? After all, if you knew the truth, it'd only make you cry, and you don't want to be a whiny little crybaby little boy or girl, do you?

Yours in heart-felt solicitude,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin


Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.