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Thursday, April 29, 2004

U.S. Army is bunch of pussies compared to California Attorney General 

The U.S. Army is making all sorts of fuss about how they're shocked, shocked I say, that some of their reservists applied the rod of correction to some of their Iraqi prisoners. That big wuss frog General Kermit even said "No matter how stretched we are, that doesn't give us license and it doesn't give us the authority to break the law."

What he needs to do is take lessons from California Attorney General Bill Lockyer, who, despite viewing videotapes of California Youth Authority wardens beating the shit out of disobedient youths, declined to press charges against the wardens involved. Now THAT is a manly man who knows his Christian duty of applying the Rod of Correction to those disobedient brats! Like Bill says, that videotape means nothing. I mean, who are you going to believe, Bill Lockyer, or your lying eyes?

I'd suggest that you contact Bill's office and let him know how you appreciate the fact that he's so much more macho than the U.S. Army, but Bill's so macho that he doesn't even have a phone number or address for his office on his web site. Wow, now THAT is a public servant -- one who makes sure there's no way to send mail to him! Yessirree, General Bill is a helluva lot tougher than General Kermit. I am truly proud to share the title "Attorney General" with the likes of California Attorney General Bill Lockyer!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

I love the smell of napalm in the morning 

I wish to thank the Attorney General for giving me a space on his blog, and also for his fine work over the past three years in making America safe for martial law. Now, some folks wonder why I seemingly nearly fainted. Well, the answer is that I am a poet, and I was having an inspiration for a poem. This poem is about Najaf, sometime in the near future, after we take down that raghead Sadr feller and turn those Shiite mosques into smoldering ruins:

Rape the town and kill the people
That's the thing we love to do
Rape the town and kill the people
That's the only thing to do
Throw some napalm on the schoolhouse
Watch the kiddies scream and shout
Rape the town and kill the people
That's the thing we love to do
Napalm, napalm
Sticks like glue
Sticks to the mamas and the papas
And the kiddies, too

I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like... victory!

Yours for victory,
Brigadier General Mark Kermit, U.S. Army


Our hero: Brigadier-General Reginald Dyer 

This hero of the British Empire is our inspiration for our policies in dealing with those nasty darkies in Iraq. I just want to thank the brave Brigadier-General for his inspiration in how to properly impose order upon unruly darkies and maintain our Iraqi province.

In other news, if you don't oppose abortion, you're a terrorist. That one's so obvious that I don't need to comment. Our Christian values require us to hate all people who disagree with us, and everybody we hate is a terrorist. I mean, that's what the word "terrorist" means, right?

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Commie Hillary wants your health care 

That DEMON-crat from Arkan-york is back again! She wants to implement Communist Health Care in America. This is where there's one insurance company run by the state, and instead of our good red-blooded campaign contributors skimming 20% off the top for administrative expenses, then skimming off another 15% off the top for profit, instead the state skims 3% off the top and sends the rest to people who need medical care. Blasphemy! If this happens, our campaign contributors would no longer be able to contribute millions of dollars to our Great Leader's re-election campaign!

Look, that Communist medical system stuff just doesn't work. Take Medicare. Please. We should eliminate it immediately because it doesn't work -- oh sure, I know that Medicare spends only 3% on administrative costs vs. 20% for private insurance companies, and has 0% profit vs. 15% for private insurance companies, but it's evil, it's evil I say, and must be abolished!

What's that? No, Mrs. McGargle, put down the cane! No, Mr. Furdlesum, put down the walker! Help! HELP! The old people are attacking me for advocating eliminating their communist health care! HELP!!!

Yours in fleeing for his life in front of a hoard of old people brandishing canes and walkers,
John Asscroft, Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Monday, April 26, 2004

We could have won Vietnam 

[Note: Today is guest blogging day for General Kermit, who is in charge of U.S. Forces in Iraq:]

One of the prime myths spread by liberal "peace" advocates is that Vietnam was an unwinnable war. That's simply untrue. In fact, if not for the liberal "peace" advocates, we would have won. Every time they started chanting "give peace a chance", tired discouraged Viet Cong partisans were dissuaded from dropping their guns and slogging home in defeat.

Look, all we need to do is just keep killing these partisan anti-liberty folks and they'll get discouraged and go home, just like they were so discouraged when tens of thousands of them were killed by the French at Dien Bien Phu that they just all gave up and went home. It's not as if they're real people, Americans, after all. They're just untermenschen, unseemly mud people. They wouldn't be able to take hundreds of thousands of casualties and keep fighting. And if it wasn't for those liberals giving them aid and comfort, they would just give up, it's not as if they have any reasons of their own to fight, it's all because of those liberal traitors!

See, the reason we lost the Vietnam War is that we only killed 2,000,000 Vietnamese out of a total population of around 35,000,000. If we'd only killed about 30,000,000 more Vietnamese, leaving only the 3,000,000 French-speaking Vietnamese Catholics who ran the government of South Vietnam as an anti-communist dictatorship still alive, we would have won!

Similarly, there's an easy way to win in Iraq. There's about 25,000,000 Iraqis. If we kill 24,999,999 of them, leaving only Ahmad Chalabi alive, we will have victory in Iraq! Unfortunately, just as the liberal traitors wouldn't let us kill 30,000,000 Vietnamese, these same traitors to America are keeping us from fully liberating the Iraqi people (other than Chalabi, who shall remain unliberated, though alive). Look, the answer to Saddam Hussein's atrocities are clear: We must kill more people than Saddam, or else the terrorists have won! And only traitors to America whine about how 40% of Iraqis are under 14 years old. I mean, look, those little children will grow up eventually and become terrorists, so we will not have fully liberated Iraq until they're all liberated too, just like the Vietnamese village of Ben Tre. And only those liberal traitors to America, with their squeamish "morals" about killing women and children, will stop us from winning in Iraq.

Signing off from Baghdad, Iraq,
Brigadier General Mark Kermit, U.S. Army

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Sorry about the delays 

For the past few days, I've been at a motorcycle boot camp (yes, I finished, scored in the middle of the pack, a testament to the ability of sheer willpower to overcome a serious lack of coordination). I am utterly exhausted. I promise you that more adventures of the Attorney General and the fine men (and token women) of Dear Leader's administration shall be forthcoming shortly, as soon as much-abused middle-aged self stops feeling like someone whacked him with a meat tenderizing mallet for eight hours straight....
-- The Attorney General's Inner Frenchman

Friday, April 23, 2004

We're doomed :-(. 

The Weekly World News has turned against our Great Leader's administration. Last week, they had a front page story about how our Marines shot down and killed an angel over Fallujah. Today they have a story about how we're about to invade Cuba in Operation Cuban Freedom because oil has been discovered there. On their discussion boards, they have a thread entitled "Is Bush an alien?"

I'm depressed. What next, is Ed Anger going to come out in support of John Kerry? Will Bat Boy campaign for the DEMON-crats?!

We're doomed, doomed I say! With the Weekly World News against us, how can we win the Nascar Mom vote? It can't be!

Yours in sorry,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Dastardly criminals arrested! 

One of the criminals who fed poor without having a restaurant license
These criminals were caught handing out fish and loaves to a bunch of poor homeless people. Imagine that! And they were actually EATING in the park. How disgusting can that be, some long-haired hippy giving out food to hungry people? Without a restaurant license, no less! And no health inspector's certificate of cleanliness! And no certified restroom facilities for the servers to wash their hands in!

No no, this is the kind of unsightly thing that must not happen in God's America. Thus I suggest that you call Chief Stephen Hogue of the Tampa (Fl.) Police Department at (813) 276-3200 and congratulate him on his firm stance against those long haired hippies. I mean, who do they think they are anyhow -- Jesus?

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, April 19, 2004

Dr. Germ's evil weapon destroyed! 

As I noted before, Britney Spears is actually one of Saddam's Weapons of Mass Destruction, genetically engineered by his evil henchlady Dr. Germ to be bouncy, perky, and destroy the purity of America's youth with that aweful "sex" stuff that is destroying our nation's moral fiber and contaminating our youth's bodily fluids. But never fear, your Attorney General has been on the case, and we now have discovered a sure-fire way of defusing this aweful Weapon of Mass Seduction.

To this end, we spent the first three years of our Great Leader's administration and $280,000,000 to implement this plan. I am pleased to note that the plan is now underway, and appears to be working. Every night, a pizza delivery boy delivers Britney's favorite pizza. At noon time, greasy fried chicken, Ho-Hos, and Twinkies are delivered right to her doorstep. In the morning, a full pound of greasy bacon, topped with eggs and giblet gravey, is plunked in front of her. It has been working. Many commentators have noted how Britney appears to be putting on the pounds. Now Britney looks like this.

Britney Spears


Mission accomplished! Britney's threat to America's moral purity is forever finished!

Ah, I love it when a plan comes together. This is almost as good a bust as the one where I directed the FBI to spend months with a team of 10 agents to arrest 11 hookers in New Orleans. Look, sex is a much bigger danger to America than al Qaeda, a man has to keep his priorities straight, right? Right?!

Yours in moral purity,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Help expose the gay agenda's takeover of our schools! 

The other General has an article about a group trying to do just that. Amongst other things, this group (called STOP), refers us, as proof of the evil nature of the gay agenda, to a gay paper which has an article -- with a picture, even! -- of the progress of the evil infiltration of those sodomites into our public schools and the way they're trying to convert our red-blooded American boys and girls into swishy fellers and butch gals.

You'll notice that this group is located in the 51st state (Canuckstan), which is one of those evil communistic LIE-beral states like Massachusetts. I must say that I am proud of the courage of these brave Americans at exposing the evil gay agenda despite being surrounded by heathen DEMON-crats and LIE-berals. My little soldier salutes you, brave men and women of STOP!

Yours in heterosexuality,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, April 16, 2004

Who are you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes? 

Note: I once again turn my blog over to General Kermit, who has more to say about al-Jazeera.

Don't listen to those people at al-Jazeera. Sure, they're showing pictures of hundreds of dead women and children in Fallujah, but those pictures aren't real, you know.

As CNN reported:

"I know that your reporter may have confirmed it to you. But that's what your correspondents have been doing for the last few days, repeating and confirming lies," Kimmitt said.

"I can indulge in a conversation with you which might turn ugly because the pictures confirm what our correspondents are reporting out of Iraq," Azhar responded.

Kimmitt ceded nothing. "Here, I'd like to use a popular Hollywood expression: that cameras often lie."


You see, al Jazeera's Fallujah operation is not one hyper Egyptian reporter, a camcorder, and a satellite video uplink. No way! al Jazeera actually has a whole Special Effects studio in Fallujah, with hundreds of clustered Linux computers doing realistic ray-tracing of dead women shot through the head. For true! And those dead children? Lies, all lies! They're actually animatronic puppets, specially constructed in al-Jazeera's massive workshop deep underneath Fallujah. And those "Marines" that are shown shooting at women and children? Paid actors!

Look, who are you going to believe, me, or your lying eyes?

Yours in the Crusade against the Heathen Darkies,
Brig. Gen. Mark Kermit, United States Army

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Australia victim of the Gay Agenda 

What do you do with a sicko little girl who refuses to wear girl's clothes and always wears boys clothes, who's good at arm wrestling, who loves climbing trees and playing football, and wants to use the boys' room instead of the girl's room? Well, us good Christians know what you do about homosexuality: Apply the Rod of Correction. The long rod, not the short 4-inch rod that NAMBLA prefers.

But those Aussies have to be different. Instead of beating her until she properly wears dresses and plays with dolls and flirts with boys, they're instead letting her be a boy. What a bunch of degenerates!

Meanwhile, clarifying something that our Great Leader said last night about not using the "V" word (Vietnam) because it hurt our troops, General Kermit has an important message for all Americans:

Thank you for allowing me to get this important message out. I've heard some of you, like that treasonous LIE-beral Senator Drunken Kennedy, may be using that 'V' word. STOP IT! It's destroying morale amongst our troops! Here's an example from this morning when I was talking to the troops:

General: Good morning, men!

Soldiers: HOOYAH!

General: Well, the body armour we ordered hasn't arrived yet

Soldiers: HOOYAH!

General: Your tour has just been extended indefinitely

Soldiers: HOOYAH!

General: The entire South is up in arms against us.

Soldiers: HOOYAH!

General: Our Halliburton contractors ducked and ran, so we'll be eating Meals Refused by Ethiopians until we pacify the country again.

Soldiers: HOOYAH!

General: Ted Kennedy used the "v-word" yesterday

Soldiers: WE CAN'T GO ON!

So see, only traitors use the "V" word. And back to you, Mr. Attorney General.


Remember: Using the "V" word is just plain treason. General Kermit just told you why that's so. But since the LIE-berals amongst you don't seem to be getting the message, I'm directing the HSS to report all instances to the Department of Homeland Security, so that the traitors can be rounded up and sent to the Free Speech Zone at the Nevada Test Site where they can glow in the dark while practicing their "speech" upon the cacti. Remember, boys and girls: The 1st Amendment only protects speech that I agree with!

Yours in patriotism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

On the trail of Osama bin Flynt 

The terrorist Osama bin Flynt
Some people wonder why I'm so interested in prosecuting porn. Well, the answer is simple: Porn is put out by terrorists.

After I review the countless video accounts such as "Deep Throat" and "Debbie Does Dallas", I'm sure I'll be able to conclusively prove the identity of the 19 porn stars who hijacked those airliners. Osama bin Flynt better watch his back! Saddam Hefner should find a spider hole in his grotto! And Mullah Stern will be blocked from all his Clear Channels!

We'll win this war and avenge those millions of willing "victims" if it's the last thing we do. Thank you, Jesus and George W. Bush!

Yours in fighting pornographic terror,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America


Still resting up 

Boy, those 9/11 commissioners were MEAN to me! But I knew the answer to all their questions about what the problem was that allowed 9/11 to happen: It was all the Clenis's fault. 'Cause our Great Leader is Jesus's second cousin and He and His administration can do no wrong. Take His speech last night. He was firm and consistent about never answering a question. You must admire a man with such cojones, even if He WAS sweating and stammering a bit near the end!

As for me worrying about terrorism, like I told my top counter-terrorism guy, I don't want to hear about it. Look, expecting me to worry about terrorism is ridiculous when America is threatened by bouncing boobies oh so firm oh oh oh oh! Down little soldier! Down! (whappity whappity whappity). Errr. Hold on, I'll be back...

Yours in keeping his priorities straight,
John Asscroft, Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Monday, April 12, 2004

General Kermit corrects the record 

Note: I haven't been feeling well today. So I'm letting my good buddy Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Deputy Director of Coalition Operations in Iraq, have my space for the day. This is the transcript of a news conference he had in Baghdad, Iraq with various reporters.

Reporter: Thank you very much. Radel Azawi from BBC, BBC correspondent. At the outset, you were conducting so many conferences and interviews with the press, but without specifying exactly the casualties, the coalition forces casualties in Fallujah. While you have seen that most of the attacks were at the outskirts of Fallujah, but you haven't give us a figure or a number about the mortars that have been burned, or there are so many casualties among the coalition forces. Can you give us the figures and number of the casualties estimation, even if it is estimated?

Kermit: It's easy being green! We lost maybe 70 soldiers, Booyah! But we killed 700 of those heathen sand niggers.

Reporter: The second question is, there is a saying -- some of the people or there is a report saying that the coalition failed to control Fallujah. And it has been said also that when you have just cease- fire, it was because you failed to control the whole -- to put all the areas under your control in Fallujah.

Kermit: Lies! All lies! Those untermenschen sand niggers are committing suicide upon the walls of Fallujah! God will roast their stomachs in Hell at the hands of the Marines! There are no terrorists in Fallujah! For true!

Reporter: When do you think you'll have control of the Shiite towns of the south back from the Mahdi Army?

Kermit: We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards. Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President George W. Bush will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts.

Q: (Through interpreter.) Hamza Hashin al-Ferat Newspaper. Thanks God that the operation, combat operation is about to be stopped or to be finished in Fallujah. What was the aim behind having all these operations in Fallujah? And they couldn't get any benefit out of conducting this operation, they couldn't get the people who mutilated the bodies or who killed those Americans. But we do want to know what the purpose behind having all these combat operations in Fallujah while the civilians were most of the casualties.

Kermit: There were no civilian casualties in Fallujah. Our Marines are very well trained and good shots. They only shot terrorists, not civilians.

Q: You're saying that 500 pound bombs dropped from an F-16 can tell the difference between a terrorist and a civilian?
Kermit: Look, our bombs are SMART bombs. Very well educated bombs. They got college degrees! They make sure to ask the people in a building whether they're terrorists or not before blowing up the building, and if the terrorist ran in the front door then ran out the back door, they don't blow up the building, they just fly back to their jet fighter. What do you think we are, terrorists or something?!

Q: But... but... that just doesn't make sense! Are you saying that the artillery shells you fired are smart shells too?
Kermit: Every one of our artillery shells has at LEAST a high school diploma. It can tell the difference between a terrorist and a civilian just like that, and refuse to blow up if the terrorist already ran away and left women and children behind.


Q: Wha... Wha kinda drugs you smokin', dude? I want some of them! What about these three reporters who say that the Marines shot up the ambulance they were riding in as they helped pick up injured Iraqis?

Kermit: Lies! All lies! Those reporters are actually in the pay of Saddam Hussein! They were using the ambulances to shuttle guns around between the terrorists!

Q: What about this picture of a little baby shot through the head? Was this a terrorist?

Kermit: Of course he was! He was waving an RPG around in his little hands, just LOOKING for a Marine to blow away!

Q: What about this picture of a pregnant woman shot through the stomach? Was this a terrorist?

Kermit: Look, those pictures are just propoganda. Lies. Besides, the little fetus was waving an AK-47 around from under her robe, the Marines had to shoot in self defense even though her hands were up!

Q: But General, the whole Arab world is seeing a stream of images like this, they're watching a stream of women and children being buried on live television. What do you say to someone who's watching those dead women and children being buried?

Kermit: Change the channel! Change the channel! Lies! All lies! Watch only good patriotic media like Fox News! Don't bother your beautiful minds with such horrors!

Q: Isn't that a bit much to ask someone whose brother, sister, child, cousin, nephew was killed by an army of occupation?!

Kermit: Not at all. Just repeat after me:

It's not that easy bein' green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold-
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy bein' green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water- or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why? Wonder,
I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

Q: Are you freakin' NUTS?!

Kermit: I prefer to just call myself a true American patriot.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

The right way to handle Fallujah 


Kill them all. God will know his own. Advice as appropriate today as when Arnald-Amaury uttered those words in 1209. Fallujah should have the same fate as Beziers did under the Albigensian Crusade. The blood of the infidel and heretic must run in the gutters until thousands are buried in mass graves under every soccer field in the entire city, every ambulance is shot up and the gutters run with the blood of the infidel sand niggers. Then, and only then, shall the deaths of our four mercenaries be avenged, when there is nothing of Fallujah but the rubble, and nothing alive there but the cockroaches scurrying in the ruins. Then, and only then, shall the people of Fallujah truly be liberated.

Neca eos omnes. Deus suos agnoset. Onward, Christian soldiers! The burning cross of Jesus must rise above a sea of blood!

Yours in Crusading for Victory,
The Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Friday, April 09, 2004

President handles important business in Crawford 

Look, a man has to have his priorities straight, or he just ain't fit to be President of the United States. Now, some of them LIE-berals have been whining that as our soldiers die in Iraq, our Great Leader ought to do something other than taking a vacation. Look, they're just jealous. Look at a LIE-beral, see a miserable failure.

Look, our soldiers in Iraq don't need our President caring about them. They volunteered to be killed, and besides, fewer American soldiers are dying than died at Okinawa, so they don't really count. Our Great Leader has the really important stuff to do, like interviewing with the editor of Ladies Home Journal and going fishing.

I mean, c'mon, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do! Why should our Great Leader worry about niggling little things like our puppet government in Baghdad collapsing when there's great fishing to be done?! Sheesh, those LIE-berals just hate America, and don't have anything better to do than whine about a man being a man. What a bunch of miserable failures!

Yours in relaxing in Crawford, Texas,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Towards a more Christian nation 

A patriot named Sellison on one of them other blogs had a great idea for improving our nation: Only allow Christians to vote!

Christians by default are honest and believe in the core values of America. Atheists, socialists, communists, etc. believe in nothing, no absolute truths by definition, so of course they cannot really believe that "all men are created Equal". Which is why their votes go for things like civil rights legislation that punishes white people for the crime of being God's chosen people, pro-sodomy laws that give sodomites the special right to bugger each other, free speech laws to let them say hateful things about good Christian people like myself and our Great Leader, and other things that undermine the ideals set forth in our Constitution and Declaration of Independence. Other non-Christian religions don't believe in the same moral codes America was founded on, by Christians, for Christians. They should be protected of course by our laws, but really, they are not properly (morally) equipped to contribute anything of value to American Christian Democracy in our One Nation under God.

So here's my suggestions:

1) All voting places must contain a Bible and a cross (not one with that heathen Papist fetish figure on it, a good stately iron cross).

2) Before being given a ballot, all persons must place their hand on the Bible and swear before God Almighty that they have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and George W. Bush as His representative on Earth. Those who merely pretend shall surely be struck down upon the spot by holy brimfire.

3) In order to make sure that one of those swisshy fellers or lesby gals doesn't somehow make it past by saying they're a Christian (no swisshy feller or lesby gal could TRULY be a Christian, after all, they're all going to Hell!), there will be a sexual preference test. Each voting place will be equipped with a 70 year old man and a 70 year old woman. Before being given a ballot, you will be required to choose which one you want sex with, and then required to prove your sexual preference by, err, doing the nasty with the one of your choice. If you're a guy and choose the gal, you pass. If you're a gal and choose the guy, you pass. Otherwise you're going to HELL! Not only will this filter out all the lesby girls and swishy boys, but it'll also improve the sales of Viagra (or so my good friend Bob Dole tells me!).

There you have it, my three-part plan to insure that this Christian nation is no longer contaminated by the blight of non-Christians tainting the holy sanctity of the voting booth!

Yours in hoping for a more Christian nation,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Appropriately applying the Rod of Correction in Iraq 

Your AG grasps the Rod of Correction
I earlier lauded the California Youth Authority for their firm grasp of Biblical jurisprudence. Specifically, the principle of spare the rod and spoil the child. When the San Joaquin Prosecutor's office and NAMBLA both agree with the CYA and all good Christians that the rod of correction should be often used with children, you know that Biblical law is truly coming to God's Chosen People (America), even if there ARE some minor disputes as to the proper length of the rod (18 inches for the CYA, 6 inch rods for NAMBLA, big honkin' 36 inch rods for Christians).

Now, I was walking down the West Wing hallway and I ran into Donnie Rumsfeld, and he looked glum. And of course I asked him, "Brother Donnie, are you in need of prayer?" and he looked at me as if I were crazy and said "No, I'm in need of about 10 more Army divisions and I'm not getting them." So of course I asked him some more questions, and found out that those Iraqis in places like Fallujah and Ramadi were being bad boys and girls.

"What you need to do is apply the Rod of Correction," I told him. "That'll make them behave like good boys and girls again."

"But... if you apply the Rod of Correction... don't some of them die?"

"So? All that means is that they get to go to God quicker!" And Donnie smiled, and I smiled because I knew that I had brought God's wisdom to yet another group of sinners in Iraq, who shortly would be learning from the Rod of Correction, even if it is only a quarter inch long and made of lead in Donnie's case.

Results of proper application of Rod of Correction
That's why, tomorrow morning, Donnie is instituting an emergency draft of all NAMBLA members, war bloggers, CYA youth wardens, good Christian Pentacostals, and College Republicans. They will be equipped with their respective favorite rods of correction (well, the NAMBLA members already come pre-equipped with their 4-inch rods, the same with the war bloggers with their 2-inch rods) and dispatched to all the trouble-spots in Iraq, marching in front of the Marines (whose quarter-inch long rods of correction that they apply using those funny plastic toy guns just aren't as manly as the six-inch rods of correction that the College Republicans come equipped with in their handy pocket protectors!). And they will put to the torch each and every home of each and every Iraqi in each and every village, town, and city that does not properly behave, applying their respective rods of correction to each and every Iraqi in those towns and cities, and then all will be peace in Iraq with no sound but the rustle of the cockroaches in the ruins. Those Iraqis will behave like good obedient boys and girls, or else!

Yours in blissfuly grasping the rod of correction,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

A traitor speaks 

Once again the treasonous Robert Byrd, Senator from the KKK, shows he hates America:




This Senate, the foundation of the Republic, has been unwilling to take a hard look at the chaos in Iraq. Senators have once again been cowed into silence and support, not because the policy is right, but because the blood of our soldiers and thousands of innocents is on our hands. Questions that ought to be stated loudly in this chamber are instead whispered in the halls. Those few Senators with the courage to stand up and speak out are challenged as unpatriotic and charged with sowing seeds of terrorism. It has been suggested that any who dare to question the President are no better than the terrorists themselves. Such are the suggestions of those who would rather not face the truth.

This Republic was founded in part because of the arrogance of a king who expected his subjects to do as they were told, without question, without hesitation. Our forefathers overthrew that tyrant and adopted a system of government where dissent is not only important, but it is also mandatory. Questioning flawed leadership is a requirement of this government. Failing to question, failing to speak out, is failing the legacy of the Founding Fathers.


How DARE he evoke our beloved founding fathers to further his agenda of hating America! But never fear, Georgie tells me that once he wins election this November, I can put this treasonous "Byrd" person into Gitmo (and you could barely see Dickie's lips move while Georgie was telling me this!).

Yours in Outrage,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Judge, jury, and jailor 

Okay, look, I know that the 4th Amendment says I can't search people unless I have a search warrant. And I know that the 5th Amendment says that I can't detain people unless I have a grand jury indictment. And I know that the 6th Amendment says I can't punish them unless they're found guilty by a court of law. But we're at war, at war I say! Evil towel heads will slaughter each and every American with their dastardly super-tanks, stealth jet fighters, and nuclear tipped missiles, unless I can arbitrarily detain an Air Force master sergeant every time she tries to board a commercial airliner.

Why does the ACLU hate America? If we cannot just put anybody we feel like onto no-fly lists, with no oversight and no way to get off of it, every single American shall be slaughtered! The children! Oh, think of the children! Why does the ACLU want to kill children?!

We must be safe, no matter how much of the Constitution must be burned. Only when there is a soldier on every street corner, when every American has his biometric national ID card beaming his identity out to every policemen on every block, only after we've turned all the rest of the world into cinders so that God's Chosen People, America, can live in perfect peace and safety, only then will we be safe. And then God and his angels in heaven shall come down upon us and take us all to heaven. Hallaleujah, Amen!

Yours in bringing on the Eschaton,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America.

Monday, April 05, 2004

War against sex continuing 

A drunken victim of pornography strokes her pussy while watching pornography
As I've told you before, the biggest threat to America isn't Osama bin Laden. The biggest threat to America is sex. The millions of innocent Americans who are victims of this vile and heinous crime against nature every night (and sometimes even during the day!) are doomed to Hell for the pleasure they are experiencing, and it is the task of your Attorney General to stamp out this vile and dispicable pleasure wherever it can be found.

I am proud to announce that, instead of spending millions on translators to translate terrorists communications (I've instead passed that one off to the Department of Education -- if they just did a better job of teaching English to terrorists, I wouldn't need translators!), I am spending millions on defeating the REAL threat to America: pornographers. These defilers of the public actually sell their vile wares to consenting adults! The horror! Oh the horror of it all! Pussimous pussies laid bare for all to see with licking tongues extended towards them as hands gently stroke pendulous breasts oh oh oh DOWN little soldier DOWN uhm please excuse me while I discipline the little soldier whack whack whack uhm.... oh. These people are DISPICABLE, spreading that nasty "pleasure" stuff around. Don't they know that pleasure is un-Christian?!

But never fear, your Attorney General is on the job. We WILL stamp out that horrid "sex" stuff (except for marital duty), or I'm not the Attorney General!

Yours fighting for the future of America,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Busy preparing 

Sorry about not posting today, we're busy preparing for Georgie's appearance before the 9/11 commission. Just to give you a preview, here's a picture (courtesy of General J.C. Christian) of what it'll look like when Georgie and Dickie testify:



Yours in studiously hard work,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, April 03, 2004

DEMON-crat accuses our Great Leader of not being manly 

This is an outrage! That DEMON-crat from San Francisco, Nancy Pelosi, who used to be George Pelosi before the sex change operation (heh, not really, but with San Francisco, who can tell?!), accuses our Great Leader of needing an adult in the room to hold his hand while he testifies to the 9/11 Commission 'cause he doesn't have the balls to go it alone and needs Dick Cheney in the room!

That's a lie, an UTTER lie. Here's PROOF that our Georgie is a true manly man:



Now, can any man with such a big stick be a wuss? C'mon, admit it, Georgie is hung like a HORSE!

Now, we both know the real reason that Georgie can't testify by himself. How can Dickie work the little levers that work Georgie's mouth if he's not in the same room as Georgie?!

Yours in Disgust at LIE-beral lies,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, April 02, 2004

Part of nuclear explosive mechanism found in Iraq! 

As divulged by British Intelligence, half of a nuclear weapon system (a large nuclear mine) was discovered in Iraq today, somewhere in the area bounded by Tikrit, Fallujah, and Baghdad. And here is a picture of this dastardly proof of Saddam's treachery:



It appears, however, that Saddam's regime was having a bit more difficulty with this part, which so far has NOT been found in Iraq:



But never fear, we're still looking. We'll find the rest of the proof of Saddam's treachery if it takes us fifteen years of millitary occupation and a million dead natives like in the Phillipines!

Yours in hatred of dastardly Islamofascists,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
(based on idea by that great American patriot Angry Bear).

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Time for the Final Solution! 

Bill O'Reilly is a true American patriot! He has an inspired final solution to the problem of Islamic terrorism in Iraq.





From the O'Reilly Factor last night:

O'REILLY: I don't care about the - colonel, I don't care about the people of Fallujah. You're not going to win their hearts and minds. They're going to kill you to the very end. They've proven that. So let's knock this place down.

COWAN: Let's get out of the way and let Iraqis knock it down, so we don't lose any more American lives.

O'REILLY: I don't believe - I absolutely don't believe they can do it. General, how do you see it?

VALLELY: Well, we've got to do it together. We've go to do it quickly. We've got to sanitize that whole city. And keep in mind, Bill, you set an example when you go in there to do that. And when do you that, you get respect. And that's why you go to be tough.

O'REILLY: All right, general, is there any.

VALLELY: (UNINTELLIGIBLE) clean it up.

O'REILLY: .you know it, the colonel knows it. The colonel and I are disagreeing on the tactics, but we know what the final solution should be. Why hasn't the U.S. command done this? And why do they continue to absorb the level of terror that is coming out of -- this isn't a big town. We're not talking about Cincinnati here. Right? It's not a big town?


Oooh! Bill O'Reilly is just so MANLY! Yes indeed, we must kill everybody who participated in the travesty of lynching Americans, or else the terrorists have won!

Yours in admiring those who speak the truth about how all Muslims must be exterminated,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin


Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.