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Saturday, February 28, 2004

How I'm doing my part for America 

After spending five hours talking to Abu in India at HP technical support and getting my computer so screwed up that I had to shoot it and buy a new one, I thought about outsourcing and came to the conclusion that it's my patriotic duty. It's now proven fact(*): outsourcing is good for America. So I'm doing my part to help America by outsourcing as many jobs at the Department of Love as possible.

First is the FBI. I'm outsourcing the FBI to BurtLaden Enterprises (see proprietors at left). They've given us a 2 billion dollar performance bond so that if they don't perform, we get to keep the money! They promise us that no big buildings will get smashed by hijackers under their watch. What a deal!

Next, I'm outsourcing the Anti-Trust Division to Microsoft Corporation. Microsoft Corporation's knowledge of anti-trust prosecution is the best on the market.

I'm also outsourcing the Civil Rights Division to Bob Jones University. Bob Jones's inspired "Seperate but Equal" approach to civil rights is truly the correct one for the new century.

The Bureau of Prisons will be outsourced to Wackenhut. Based on the great job they did in Australia and the fact that their CEO is a Bush Ranger who has brought in $200K for Bush's re-election, they're the obvious right choice for the job.

One thing that will NOT be outsourced is my own job. I fully intend to be Attorney General for the rest of my life.

Yours in Christ,
The Attorney General of the United States of America

Fact(n): Whatever the Ministry of Truth says is true. To be differentiated from: Lie(n): Whatever someone other than the Ministry of Truth says is true.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Kerry apologists steal Tardis, violate Time Laws 

The FBI's Temporal Enforcement Division has informed me that Kerry apologists (anybody who contradicts my good buddy Ted Sampley) apparently stole The Tardis and have been travelling back in time to plant lies in the Congressional Record contradicting the Ministry of Truth's news releases by showing that Kerry in fact voted to INCREASE intelligence funding and voted AGAINST cuts in defense. Don't worry, though, the Ministry of Truth will scrub that evidence out of the records shortly. These dastardly villains also went back and planted evidence, in 1996, that unlike what our great Patriot Ted Sampley says, John Kerry in fact argued in 1971 that throwing medals away through the Capital fence (NOT the White House fence) was a bad idea and refused to participate in it, but was overruled by the organizer of the event. So that you don't have to support LIE-berals to see the evidence of this temporal crime, I will quote the relevant part here. The following excerpts are from Winter Soldiers: An Oral History of the Vietnam Veterans Against the War, by Richard Stacewicz and Twayne Publishers, 1997:




[Jan Barry]: The original intent of the Friday [Dewey Canyon III] [event] was to take all the medals and throw them into a body bag and to take the body bag to the Capitol. People got mad because they put this fence across the steps of Congress. "What are they putting this up for? It's fencing us out." So on the spot, there was this mumbling and grumbling, and someone said, "Let's throw the medals over the goddamned fence."


[Barry Romo]: Getting ready to throw our medals away, [there] was a fight with [John] Kerry. Kerry wanted us to put them in a body bag. [Kerry argued] that it would be disrespectful to throw them away; people wouldn't understand. That was the only fight I ever remember having with Kerry. I said, "Fuck you. God damn it, we decided this months before; at every point you want to change shit. The only way we're going to wake the public up is to do dramatic events, and stuff like that. People handily decided to throw their medals away. I don't think Kerry did. Then we went and lined up and just threw our medals away. [It was] one of the heaviest things." Winter Soldiers, at p. 249.


Luckily good Citizens never commit ThoughtCrime by reading anything other than MiniTruth's official news releases, so the Temporal Enforcement Division believes that the damage has been contained. However, this is a public warning asking anybody who sees a 1963-style British police box to please call the FBI's Temporal Enforcement Division. Just pick up your phone and say "Hey, I found the TARDIS!" (no dialing required) and several men in dark suits and shades will show up shortly to take your statement.

Yours in temporal conformity,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Evil Scientists Support Terrorism 

Look, I already knew that all scientists are evil. The only book necessary is the Bible. Those scientists with their funny "ideas" like "evolution", those evil men who DARE contradict the Holy Word, are un-Christian and un-American.

But now we have proof that not only are scientists evil, but they also support terrorism. How *DARE* they edit and publish scientific works from those evil heathen countries like Iran and Libya?! Don't they understand? We're at war, war I say! Millions of heathen Islamists are lined up on our borders with the most modern of tanks, jet fighters, and weapons of mass destruction, and they will destroy America unless we destroy them first! How DARE these TRAITORS give aid and comfort to the enemy by publishing the enemy's scientific papers!

That's right: not only are these scientists evil, un-Christian, and un-American, they're also TRAITORS. And I promise you, my office will do everything in its power to make sure that these "people" with their un-American notions of "academic freedom" and "free speech" get what they deserve.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Why we need a Gay Marriage amendment 

Here's a correspondent who tells it like it is:

We would rather not amend the Constitution as President Bush proposes. In an ideal world, I don't think the Constitution was really meant to prescribe the definition of marriage.However, those of us who oppose so-called "gay marriage" feel we have no options left. The rogue judges in Massachusetts and the arrogant, law-breaking mayor of San Francisco make it clear that same-sex "marriage" advocates will stop at nothing to impose their perversity on America.
Your hunger for anal intercourse and official state affirmation of it -- even to the point of deeming your sexual behavior a reason to "marry"! -- trumps your respect for fundamental American values. Your perverse sexual ethics have led inevitably to perverse and destructive political ethics. All of this has led me to conclude that you and your sodomy-loving cohorts are totalitarians, plain and simple. And you must be stopped. If that takes a Constitutional amendment, so be it. It's regrettable, but that's the way it goes."

AMEN brother! Tell it like it is! Welcome to God's America, you heathen corn-holing sinners. God hates you, and soon the Constitution will, too! Here you are, trying to force the rest of us to be homosexuals, exerting your sinful homosexual urgings to the point of even influencing my VERY OWN WIFE, and then you gripe and grumble because us good Christians want to end your totalitarian imposition of perversion upon us? SHAME! You're going to HELL!


Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Is my wife becoming gay? 

I'm scared. My wife doesn't want to do her wifely duty anymore. I chastise her like the Good Book says it's my husbandly duty to do when your wife behaves in an un-Christian way, but then she just lies there like a lump sobbing. Now, granted, procreation isn't supposed to be fun, but she's not even trying to do her wifely duty!

After BadCommie mentioned the fact that Bill and Hillary Clinton had a gay marriage (it's clear, once you think about it -- they had one child, then Hillary turned gay, that's why they never had more children like good Christians do!), and with all this talk around about gay marriage and how it is going to destroy America by turning everybody gay, I wonder: could my wife be turning gay? Is this yet another side-effect of the LIE-beral agenda to destroy America?

Dear Lord and Savior, I pray to you, heal this woman! Bring her back to her wifely duty! Protect her from the heathen gay LIE-beral agenda! Chastise her until the demons of doubt and perversion are gone from her head! Lord, she is just a woman, the least of creatures, surely you can find it in your heart to bring her back to your loving bosum? I pray to you, Lord, save this woman's soul before she burns in the eternal flames of HELL! Protect us, oh Lord, from the evil gay LIE-beral agenda, and from underwear ads that rouse un-Christian thoughts and lusts! In Jesus's sweet and everlasting name, AMEN.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, February 23, 2004

A real American: Ted Sampley 

I here wish to salute the efforts of a real American, a man's man, the hero who, with a couple of his drinking buddies, is Vietnam Veterans Against John Kerry. I am, of course, talking about that man's man, Ted Sampley. For over 12 years now, ever since John McCain and The Kenis tried to put him in jail for ripping off the widows and orphans of Vietnam MIA's, Ted Sampley and his drinking buddies have been sounding the alarm about McCain and The Kenis. In one early-1990s incident, Sampley published a fake photo of Kerry shooting an American war prisoner in Vietnam with the caption: "Kerry eliminates another MIA from his discrepancy list." What a man!

I especially admire Ted for his work ethic. He hasn't worked a lick since he devised his current gig back in the mid 1980's, which is to give widows and orphans false hopes that their loved ones are still alive in Vietnam, then take their money in order to finance missions like when he and two of his drinking buddies went to Thailand in 1988 to get some pedophile sex, then took a detour north to Laos to see if the famous Laotian hashish is still as fine. Ted, brave man that he is, stayed on the Thai side of the border and watched his two drinking buddies cross over into Laos and get arrested for not having a visa. Ted, being a manly man, shrugged and went back to Bangkok, where he was arrested by the Thai police on general principle after the Laotian police contacted them about Ted's buddies. I must admire Ted's excellent sense of priorities. After all, working for a living is such a drudge. Why work for a living when you can trick widows and orphans into supporting you?!

Karlie Rove says I'm supposed to tell you now to hit every one of those LIE-beral web sites and tell them all about how our hero Ted Sampley and his millions and millions of Vietnam Veterans Against Kerry mean that Kerry's war record means nothing. Karlie's counting on you. After all, he's already bought Ted a few Vietnam Veterans (which are made with gin and tonic, BTW), you don't want to put all those millions of Vietnam Veterans that Ted has downed go to waste, do you? Ted has given his liver for our cause! Surely if this great hero has made such a sacrifice, you can go ahead and give just a few minutes of your time to go educate people about how this great American hero has uncovered the truth about those evil vile people, John McCain and John Kerry?!

Yours in Hope,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, February 22, 2004

God Hates Fags 

As I mentioned in my last post, marriage is for the purpose of procreation. It's not supposed to be fun. But those homos have FUN having having ... intercourse with each other. Fun is sinful. Thus homos are sinful.

As I mentioned before, it is a husband's husbandly duty to engage in, uhm, pregnancy-related activities. Just as it is a wife's wifely duty to submit. Ephesians 5:22, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." I already told you how I avoid having fun while having sex (boy, imagining that my wife is Michael Moore sure takes the enjoyment out of it!). I know my wife doesn't enjoy it either. Thus why she always has a headache and why I must then chastise her in a Godly way until she does her wifely duty. But don't worry, the bruises on her arms and face heal swiftly.

This is why I know that my wife and I are going to Heaven when God takes us to his bosum, unlike those fags, who actually ENJOY sex.

It has come to my attention that some of these deviants might actually try to get married. Some are actually doing it in San Francisco (Satan's town)! Never fear, though. Your Attorney General is on the job. I am going to require, as a matter of homeland security, that all applicants for marriage have a genital exam before an officer of the court before they are issued a marriage license. Only if they are of opposite sexes shall we allow them to marry. How DARE these faggots thing they should have the same right to marry each other as REAL people do! But never fear, we will end this un-Godly activity. Enjoying sex is WRONG, and these satanic people will all go to HELL, so it's not like I'm violating their rights or anything. Sinners don't HAVE rights.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, February 20, 2004

God Hates Snotty Prosecutors 

The past few days have been a nightmare. There's this snotty prosecutor in Detroit, see, who got upset 'cause I ruined his case and got whanged for contempt of court besides. Well look, who cares? I got lots of good press out of it over how we were doing such a great job against the heathen Islamist hoards, and that's all that's important, right? Anyhow, then he complained about me to Congress, so I removed him from the case, then he says I outed one of his confidential informants, a dude by the name of Marwan Farhat that one of my field officers encouraged to steal mail from terror suspects then hand over the mail to FBI agents for use in their case against the suspects.

Confused yet? Anyhow, this dude Richard Convertino is now suing me saying I tried to destroy his career. Not true! The only thing that happened here was that I got as confused about all this stuff going down in Detroit as you did! What a nest of snakes, look, all I wanted was some honest good PR for our War on Terra, okay? I'm as confused as you about how things in Detroit could go so bad so quickly.

Since I was so confused, I went over to that great bastion of patriotism, FreeRepublic, to find out what exactly was gonig on. They enlightened me quickly. It's The Clenis's fault.

Yessirree, these proud and humble Freepers, without even needing any evidence, have fingered William Jefferson Clinton's penis as the culprit! That vile and putrid source of all evil, they claim, corrupted the Justice Department from top to bottom with its sickening decadence, and these prosecutors were probably Clinton appointees anyhow, yessirree!

Now that we've got that tied up, I gotta go. As you know, I spent $12 million dollars to put Tommy Chong in jail for making some really wicked pipes that could have, would have, been used to smoke mary-joo-wana. Now I need to spend another $12 million dollars to put his partner in crime Cheech Charin in jail for making really bad movies. Movies are Satanic anyhow. Remember: if it's enjoyable, the Bible says you're not supposed to do it.

Oh, somebody said to me that if sex was evil like I said in one of my previous posts, how come good Christians usually have so many children? Well, it's a Christian's duty to procreate. Only by procreating can we outbreed those heathen Muslims and Hindus and Papists and other satanic peoples who are going to HELL. But God says we must not have fun doing it. So every time I, uhm, engage in the act of procreation, with my wife, I make sure that I don't enjoy it. All I have to do is imagine that I'm doing it with Michael Moore's big fat hairy butt, and man, all the enjoyment just drains out of it altogether. In fact, keeping my little soldier saluting becomes the biggest problem. Now, Bob Dole says I ought to try some of that Vie-agera stuff that he likes to use, but I say that if there's the possibility of it making sex fun, then maybe Bob Dole ought to be ashamed of himself. A man just has to do his duty, y'know?

Well, that's it for tonight. And remember: if you have accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, he has washed away your sins in the Blood of the Lamb, hallaleujah! Boy, it's nice knowing that no matter how many sins, how much evil I've committed, I'm going to HEAVEN 'cause I've accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, AMEN! So are you going to Heaven, or are you going to Hell? Get down on your knees and pray, sinner!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Our Great Leader is better than the Kenis 

We've uncovered yet more evidence that the Kenis is not worthy of the Presidency: Pictures showing him in the company of evil, evil people. (Though I must say that the picture of a very young Jane Fonda, two years before she became "Hanoi Jane", makes my soldier salute! Down, brave soldier! Down!).

In yet more proof that the Kenis is not fit to be President, the Kenis killed a bunch of gooks in Vietnam -- and wasn't even that good at it, killing less than a hundred gooks total. That fool Bad Commie says that Kerry is a better mass murderer than our Great Leader. How *DARE* that Commie say that Kerry is better at killing gooks than our Great Leader! Why, our Great Leader is personally (as Commander in Chief of the U.S. Military) responsible for the deaths of over 20,000 Iraqis and 10,000 Afghans, of which at least half were civilians. Kerry's just a piker beside our Great Leader!

Anything John Kerry can do, our Great Leader can do ten times better, without even breaking a sweat! Kill innocent civilians? Check. Spend money like a drunken sailor? Check. Take away states' rights via bureaucratic Big Government mandates like the All Child Left Behind Act? Check. Serve (turkey) in Iraqnam? Check. Let's face it, Kerry's not even a tadpole compared to our Great Leader.

Vote for a REAL leader this November: George W. Bush. He's just plain better at everything Kerry's good at. And besides, God says you're supposed to. You don't want to go to HELL, do you?!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

If you listen to the BBC, you hate America 

It has come to my attention that some of you are reading or listening to some of that heathen furriner news media like the BBC, CBC, Times of India, or Straits Times. A few of you terrorist sympathizers even watch or read al Jazeera. A word of warning: These media all publish "facts" that are unapproved by our Great Leader's brain, Karl Rove, and are thus automatically lies. Only people who hate America read or watch these.

If you are a true American, you get your TV news from Fox News. For your newspaper news, you read the Washington Times. On the radio, you listen to Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. If you browse the web, you don't go by DEMON-crat TRAITOR sites like that Eschaton, you instead go by that great patriot David Horwitz's site, or NewsMax. Only then can you learn the officially-approved truth as comes straight from our Great Leader and his brain, Karl Rove. Remember, contaminating your brain with those frenchified ideas from all those egg-head furriners or DEMON-crats will make you think funny, everybody will laugh at you, and people might even hate you.

So be a good American. Believe what Karl Rove believes. Be like everybody else. Be happy. It's a wonderful day in Karl's neighborhood, where our Great Leader has won magnificent victories in Afghanistan and Iraq, the only problems were caused by the Klenis, and everybody will soon have jobs, as soon as our Great Leader is re-elected, even those 2,000,000 people whose jobs were exported to China over the past three years, we have a secret plan to end unemployment just like Richard Nixon's secret plan to end the Vietnam war. Have faith in your Great Leader.

Avoid ThoughtCrime. Be like everybody else. Vote for our Great Leader this November, just like everybody else, and remember -- contaminating your head with that frenchified terrorist-sympathizing stuff will make you miserable as you learn lies (facts not officially approved by the Ministry of Truth) like the U.S. controlling only 5 square miles of Afghanistan after 3 years of war, and you wouldn't want that , would you? No no, you're all good god-fearing patriotic by-god Americans, so I *know* you're not going to contaminate your heads with facts not officially approved by the Ministry of Truth. Remember, your kindly Great Leader is depending on you. Keep your head straight! Only read the official news as published by the Ministry of Truth!

Yours in Truth,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Unbridled sex threatens America 

The biggest threat to America isn't Osama bin Laden. The biggest threat to America is sex. Millions of Americans are victims of this vile and heinous crime against nature every night (and sometimes even during the day!). This saps the national vital will and the pleasure these poor innocent victims experience is Satanic and will cause them to all go to Hell. Thus I am proud to announce several different initiatives to battle the problem of sex.

First, is Purity Day. The persons on the left are pure. The person on the right isn't. See the difference? Sin! Skin! Causing a tingling in our loins, temptations, slaverings to our bases emotions! Oh gawd!


Okay, after Purity Day, I'm also cracking down on those evil pornographers. How *DARE* they sell their stuff to willing adults as part of a consensual commercial transaction! Don't they know that free enterprise is EVIL? They're all going to HELL!

Talking about people going to hell, I'm also going after Janet Jackson's boobie. The evil wanton thing keeps giving interviews. And there are now even people emulating this sinful behavior! (Scroll down to the section on the band "Forever" -- those evil sinful rock and rollers!). Janet Jackson's boobie must be stopped before it kills each and every American. Oh the horror! I haven't seen anything so terrible since I covered up the bronze boobie of the Spirit of Justice!

Oh, I'm also going after those evil abortion doctors. I'm peppering them with subpoenas left and right to make them *prove* to me that they're not doing illegal late-term abortions. How *DARE* they think that a doctor is more qualified than a good divinity student such as myself to determine whether a late-term abortion is medically necessary or not! What do they think they are, DOCTORS?

And finally: Just Say No to Sex. I figure it'll be even more successful than our Just Say No To Drugs campaign was!

Remember: If it's pleasurable, it's sinful. You should not listen to that heathen rock-and-roll music. Dancing is Satan's way of stoking unseemly sexual desire and thus is evil. And calico cats... well, we all know about calico cats.

Anyhow, remember, boys and girls, if we all work together we can stop this evil scourge called "sex". I know it'll be hard, especially when looking at that picture of that sinful Britney Spears up there... ohhh.... no no! Get down, little soldier! Get down!

Err, sorry. Gotta go discipline my soldier. I'll be back shortly.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, February 14, 2004

More proof that The Kenis is a threat to America! 

Matt Drudge has just dug up another scandal involving The Kenis! This is proof that The Kenis is not only the clone of the Clenis and thus the new source of all evil in the world, but that the Kenis is plainly Communistic! And look, Ted Sampley, the guy who said that John McCain was the "Manchurian Candidate" in 2000, opened up a web site "Vietnam Vets against John Kerry" so all Vietnam Vets must be against Kerry too, so THERE, nya nya nya!

As for people whining that our Great Leader did not serve in Vietnam, well, he regrets that, which is why he made his own. And he even served in Iraq-Nam! So there! You DEMON-crats out there, ask your man Kerry if *HE* ever served in Iraq-Nam. He didn't, nya nya nyah!

In new news, I continue to protect America from those statue-worshipping Papists who dare organize protests against our Great Leader. Don't they understand? We're at war! We're at war, I say! Millions of rag-head terrorists are swarming all over us, and if we don't squash every little bit of criticism of our Great Leader, they'll kill us all! Saddam Saddam Saddam Osama Osama Osama we're at war! Vast armies of enemies are at our very borders, and they will kill every single American unless I keep us safe with national ID cards, checks of identity at every street corner, and armed Homeland Security Service troopers at every major intersection demanding "Your papers, please"! We must be safe! We must be safe! Not a single American must die, anywhere but in Iraq, because I did not institute a tight enough police state! After all, it could be YOUR child who dies because those commie Papists dared criticize our Great Leader! And if any reporter dares take video of us putting down these TRAITORS TO AMERICA, we'll just shoot them. Remember the children! It's for the children! We cannot have things like "free speech" or "freedom of assembly" while the terrorists are out there. The terrorists fear our freedoms, so the only way to defeat them is to eliminate our freedoms. Do you want your little girl to die because those TRAITORS TO AMERICA gave hope to the enemies of America by criticizing our Great Leader? Do you? Do you?

Defending America's Freedom against LIE-berals TRAITORS TO AMERICA,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Run for your lives! It's the KENIS! 

Things have been tough around here. Our Great Leader has been blasted on jobs, a CIA operative outed in retaliation for her husband not properly respecting our Great Leader, then there's that whole AWOL thing where our Great Leader is just trying to protect the little children from the silly harmless things he did as a youth. Even our pet poodles in the White House press pool have been yapping a bit, very unseemly!

But good news: The Clenis (see left, where Donnie is doing his best to strangle it) has been cloned! It's called The Kenis, and just as The Clenis is the source of all evil (Saddam, Osama, lost jobs, huge deficits, etc., none of those are our Great Leader's fault, they're all the fault of The Clenis!), The Kenis is now the official *NEW* source of all evil! Yessirree, hide yer children, hide your wives, hide your virgins, hide your livestock, and *especially* hide your kitchen condiments, 'cause Kerry's gonna cause the collapse of the American economy, terrorists killing each and every American, jock itch, psoriasis, and the common cold too while he's at it! But don't worry, I'll keep the Kenis from harming you (see picture on right where I am wrestling with it bodily to keep it away from your children!), just make sure you vote for our Great Leader this November!

So whenever those nasty LIE-berals start saying bad things about our Great Leader and the way his administration spends money like a drunken sailor, put your hands over your ears and say "The Kenis! The Kenis! Jane Fonda! Jane Fonda! The Kenis! The Kenis! lalalala I can't hear you! The Kenis!". And then the LIE-beral will go away.

Have faith, brethren! The Lord shall provide! And what the Lord doesn't provide, Karl Rove will fill in, halleleujah! Remember, God told Pat Robertson that our Great Leader shall be re-elected, so keep your faith, and keep your morale high!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Quack quack! 

Some DEMON-crats are whining about how Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia went duck-hunting with Vice President Halliburton right before he's supposed to decide on a case involving our Great White Hunter. All I gotta say about that is: Quack quack.

Look, it's no secret how Scalia will rule. Scalia will rule however our Great Leader tells him to rule. Since our Great Leader wants Vice President Halliburton's energy task force papers to remain secret, they will remain secret. Releasing them could give aid and comfort to terrorists, y'know, but those LIE-berals keep whining it's all making sure that payoffs to Big Oil go undiscovered and about insuring that Vice President Halliburton's deferred compensation keeps on going -- what a idiotic thing to think, that someone would lie, cheat, or steal for money!

Gotta go, the 700 Club is coming on. I love Pat Robertson. God speaks to him just like God speaks to me when God says all faggots are going to Hell. Pat says that God spoke to him and stated that our Great Leader will be re-elected. With God on our side, how can we lose?

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Don't they understand? We're at war! 

A traitor demeans his son's sacrifice in Iraq. What right does a man who's lost his only son have to question our Great Leader's wisdom? Doesn't he understand? We're at war, war I say! The terrorists want to destroy our nation! Nevermind that all terrorist attacks in this nation's history have killed fewer people than die in a month due to auto accidents, cringing in fear of terrorist attacks is your patriotic duty! I assure you, that each and every one of us in the Bush Administration is fully aware of the cost of moving these tin soldiers around on the map in order to enrich Vice President Halliburton, and we deem it an acceptable cost, so why does this father whine about how his son died in order to enrich our Great Leader's cronies? Surely he understands that our nation's very existence depends on transferring the wealth of Iraq to our own pockets!

Don't they understand? We're at war! Every day when you step out the door it's iffy if America will exist anymore, because these terrorists hate our great nation and wish to destroy it. Every day they kill millions of Americans with their dastardly weapons of evil biology, evil chemistry, and evil physics, threatening the very existence of America the Clear-Cut^wBeautiful. So what is a hysterical and worried America supposed to do? Well, you're supposed to trust in God and in His messengers on earth, our Great Leader and yours truly, Big John. We're looking out for you. So be afraid. Be very afraid. Because if you aren't afraid, the evil-doers have won. Only if you go through every minute of your life in abject terror, trembling in fear, can you trust us enough for us to do our job. And anybody who disagrees is supporting terrorism by giving aid and comfort to our enemies, so there! We're at war! We're at war! Clenis clenis clenis la la la I can't hear you la la la ...

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, February 09, 2004

Georgie did NOT look like a moron 

General J.C. Christian whines that Georgie didn't look good on Meet the Press. C'mon, General. I saw part of that interview, and you could hardly even see the strings! What do you expect when Georgie has to be on stage while Karlie has to stay off in the wings? Do you know how hard it is to sync up the string that pulls Georgie's lips open when Karlie has to throw his his voice over such a big distance?!

But if you read the actual words, if you read the transcript, Georgie looks fine.. It's just the problems with the strings that made Georgie look kinda jerky and not so bright on the stage. I guess it's time to adjust them again.

I just hope Karlie lets me play with the strings again, like when he let me guarantee that Georgie would veto any repeal of a single provision of the oh-so-necessary Patriot Act (especially that provision allowing us to snoop on public library patrons -- those librarians are all commies anyhow, you know, they let people read books for FREE, imagine that!).

Gotta go, more re-runs of the PTL Club coming on. Boy, this new satellite TV is great, the 24-hour Televangelist Channel is there anytime I need a Jesus fix. Praise the Lord!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Plame leaker found! 

I am pleased to note that an extensive search by my office has located the source of the Valerie Plame leak. As you may know, Valerie Plame was a CIA operative outed after her husband, Ambassador Joseph Wilson, told the press that as an agent of the Bush administration he'd verified in February 2002 that Saddam Hussein had not, in fact, recently tried to buy uranium from Niger. Ambassador Wilson claims that destroying his wife's career and causing the death of dozens of CIA assets overseas was retaliation by the Bush Administration for his sin of pissing on Our Great Leader's State of the Union claim of Niger yellowcake purchases.

Now, some people have been saying that it was Dick Cheney who dunnit. But our extensive investigation has found the real culprit:

The Clenis.

That's right, the source of all evil, that symbol of moral turpitude, that most horrendous and vile of objects, WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON'S PENIS, was found to be responsible for outing Ms. Plame.

Boy, I'm glad that's cleared up! I'm sure Dicky will be relieved to find that my crack FBI agents have finally tracked down the real culprit. Hey, if my crack FBI investigative team keeps doing so well, they may even help OJ find the real murderer of his wife someday!

Remember, boys and girls, whenever those nasty LIE-berals start pestering you with "facts" that you don't have any of Karl Rove's wise talking points, like the 2.5 million jobs lost since March 2001, just put your hands over yer ears and say "The Clenis! The Clenis! I can't hear you, la la la la la" and the LIE-beral will go away. Hey, it works for our Great Leader and his valiant men (and token woman), doesn't it? And remember, our Great Leader is blessed by God, so you don't have to listen to all those nasty LIE-berals anyhow. They're just mad because they don't know how to work Georgie's strings the way that Karlie and Dickie do.

Remember, if you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're probably a terrorist, and I'M WATCHING YOU! So what are you waiting for? Come to JEEZUS! Let all your sins be washed away in the Blood of the Lamb! Hey, it works for us in the Bush administration. We're going to heaven, no matter how many sins we commit, because Jesus will forgive them all because we accepted Him as our Lord and Savior. Isn't Jesus such a swell guy?

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Our Great Leader was never AWOL 

Those LIE-berals are trying to slander our Great Leader with lies about his service in the National Guard protecting our great nation from the evil Mexican threat to Texas. They say he was AWOL for close to a year from 1972 to 1973. Well that's not true, and I have proof: A ripped piece of paper with some dates and no name on it. Nevermind that the dates only match Saturdays and Sundays in the year 1969-1970, and fall in mid-week in 1972/1973. It's true because I say it's true, and I, John Asscroft, never lie, and neither does any other member of our administration. Remember, our Great Leader is blessed by God, and every word is as true as if it came from Jesus or Moses.

And oh, some newspapers also printed that this ripped piece of paper proves that our Great Leader properly served his country. And newspapers never lie (especially not about brave heroic chics who bravely hold off heathen Muslims until out of ammo . And they point out that Bush got an honorable discharge too. They don't point out that any officer admitting that one of his men was missing for a year without anybody noticing he was gone would never get promoted again, and thus would give an honorable discharge just to get rid of the embarassment. So you know that this honorable discharge means that Bush did serve his country well defending Texas from the Mexican menace.

Meanwhile, I'm offering a $500 dollar reward to any former National Guardsman who served on the days George W. Bush said he was serving, and saw George W. Bush there on base fulfilling his commitment. (This is for real, BTW, not a joke -- heck, I make lots of money, I might as well gamble a few bucks that I'll never have to pay out. -- John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman). We *will* prove that our Great Leader served his country well, and isn't lying when he says so. After all, any young man could have blown off NG service and, as long as he admitted it, we'd just shrug and say "well, he was young then" and forgive him, just like Jesus and America forgave him for being a stumbling drunk cheerleader when he was young. The fact that our Great Leader says he didn't do it... well, that means our Great Leader didn't do it, see? 'Cause politicians never lie read my lips: no new taxes I am not a crook Our warships were attacked today in the Gulf of Tonkin I did not have sex with that woman Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa I don't remember. You can always believe anything a politicians says. Truly! After all, our Great Leader has a halo. Surely only a godly truthful man could have a halo?

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

A funny Christmas song 

I was browsing around looking for people taking my name in vain, and came across a really funny Christmas song that I want to share with you. Yes, I know that it's been over a month since Christmas, but it's really good:

From Mixelle-

John Asscroft Is Tapping Your Phone

Sung to the tune of..."Santa Claus is Coming to Town"

You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
John Asscroft is tapping Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
And reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail
John Asscroft is tapping Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom
Surveils you out of doors
And if that doesn't get the goods
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So you mustn't assume
That you are secure
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door
John Asscroft is tapping Your phone.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Massachusetts is threat to America 

The Massachusetts Supreme Court has declared that sodomites can marry. This is a threat to America that cannot be underestimated. If our little boys and little girls see faggots marrying, they'll all turn into faggots. See, anybody can become a faggot. Everybody has impure thoughts when they see underwear ads (another tool of Satan, but Karlie won't let me go after them, he says it would hurt our Great Leader's re-election chances). But most people don't become faggots because everybody says being a faggot is a bad thing. But when the state itself says being a faggot is okay... well, that's the end of America, because there will not be another baby born to any American, anywhere, ever again.

Gosh darn it, I didn't get our Great Leader to put $2.5 billion dollars into the budget for the Defense of Marriage Act just to have sodomites use that money to indulge their vile perversions! Call this a public message to the Supreme Court of Massachusetts: Their LIE-beral rears better change their minds fast, or I'm gonna have to detain their Commie terror sympathizer rears as enemy combatants. Got it?

In other news, some people have wondered how I can guarantee that Georgie will veto any repeal of the very necessary Patriot Act. Well, see, Karlie's been teaching me how to work Georgie's strings. But I still can't throw my voice like Karlie, when I'm working the strings it still sounds like it's me talking, not the puppet :-(. Oh well, maybe later.

Remember, Jesus loves you. And you too, Eddie, even if you do have dirty pictures hidden at the bottom of your sock drawer. But not you, Markie, you fags are going to HELL!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Why "1984" can't happen 

Look, in "1984", the smart people knew they weren't free. So it can't happen. Even though my perfect police state would make much use of NewSpeak to marginalize anybody who opposes the Great Leader's rule, such as, e.g., re-defining the word "liberal" from meaning "progressive, forward-thinking, generous" to meaning "evil, satanic, horrible", and would keep a close eye to make sure that nobody got too far out of line (hey Joe, why do you have that copy of Hustler buried in your t-shirts drawer?!), the illusion of freedom is necessary to run an effective police state.

See, an effective police state is like Singapore -- a nice, clean place where government really doesn't affect the lives of most people as long as they don't criticize their Great Leader. People are free to start businesses, they're free to go about their lives as they wish, as long as they do so in an orderly manner that doesn't disrupt their Great Leader's vision of Singapore. And most residents of Singapore rather like their lives. They're prosperous, they've got a lot of freedom, their streets are clean and safe.

Now, an American police state will differ in some respects from that of Singapore. Singapore's suppression of dissent, for example, is rather heavy-handed compared to my ideal police state. In my police state, people are free to dissent, they just can't get anybody to listen because my propoganda press makes sure their dissent is never heard, and my indoctrinated hoards of ditto-heads and Party Youth make sure that any dissent gets trivialized quickly as just the work of a bunch of nut cases and kooks. But I really do believe that the model of Singapore has much to offer to someone trying to design the perfect American police state.

More thoughts on this subject later... such as: who are the enforcers of this perfect police state? The enforcers must be indoctrinated from birth with an ideology that appeals to their most base emotions. What would that ideology look like? Keep on reading for more lessons on "How to build the perfect police state."

And remember, you're free. Really.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, February 02, 2004

The best kind of police state 

I've been thinking lately about the best way of creating a police state, 'cause that's the only thing that will protect us from those heathen Islamofacists. Where old timers like Saddam went wrong was that they thought a police state was about terrorizing the people with threat of imprisonment or death if they opposed the regime. But with modern technology, that's not necessary. You can have a police state where the majority of people operate under the delusion that they're free.

See, here's the deal. People believe what they're told to believe, more or less. By controlling the information that people receive, the people don't know that their leader isn't, like, God incarnate. Any visible opposition to the Great Leader is swiftly suppressed and depicted as a "riot", i.e., opposition to the Great Leader is only by violent and unstable people, all good right-thinking people support our Great Leader, it's only those thugs and bomb throwers who oppose him. From time to time we disappear some of the opponents of the Great Leader's regime on bogus trumped up charges, but, really, with our control of the news media it's quite unnecessary. Opponents of our Great Leader cannot get their opinions published anywhere that a majority of the people can see them, so they are, quite literally, pissing in the wind, utterly harmless and neutralized nobodies.

The best police state, in other words, is one where the majority of people believe that they're free, and where only a small minority of people who care to look beyond their television screen notice otherwise. If you can trick people into behaving the way you want them to behave by feeding them only the information you want them to see, interspersed with propoganda telling them what to think and who their current enemy is, who needs all that repressive police state machinery?

I love our Great Leader. He is so kindly and wise. He only wants the best for us, you know, defending our great nation of Oceania from the Islamofacists. Our Great Leader loves you. Don't you love our Great Leader too?

-- John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The Greatest Threat To Our Nation 

Many people mistakenly believe that the biggest threat to our nation is terrorism. That is not true. There is something far more evil, far more dastardly, something that can forever destroy the minds of millions of American children and forever pollute our national bodily fluids. I am, of course, talking about boobies. Janet Jackson's boobies, in particular.

Now, you might be asking, "what's so bad about boobies?" Heresy! Janet Jackson's boobies are lethal weapons, lethal, I say! Why, the moment she bared her boobie, birds fell out of the sky and half the stadium fell over dead. All over our great nation, millions, millions I say, died because of Janet Jackson's lethal boobie. This was the most dastardly act of terrorism perpetrated against our Great Nation since the founding of this country, and I will leave no stone unturned to make sure that Janet Jackson's boobies are properly classified as terrorist weapons and placed into detention as enemy combatants, preferably in my office where, uhm, uhm, uhm, uhm oh oh oh oh ahhhh.....

Yours in lust^wChrist,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, February 01, 2004

I am stunned, absolutely stunned I say, to hear that our Great Leader and his British Terrior lapdog Blair have been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. It is the vindication of all that we've done for this nation. It proves that it's fine to spend money like a drunken sailor, ignore the United Nations, slap around (and kill) a bunch of towel-heads at gunpoint in Afghanistan and Iraq while destroying the U.S. Army as an effective fighting force in the process, and loot the public treasury for the benefit of Vice President Halliburton, because we did it all for a good cause -- the spread of peace worldwide via bombs and bullets.

Now I ask for all of you good patriots to help President Bush be re-elected so that we can bring the same peace to America that we've brought to Iraq. We must destroy forever those peace-hating terorrist sympathizers (typically called "Democrats") here in America, and your vote will allow us to do that, by allowing President Bush to appoint Supreme Court justices who will rubber stamp the Party agenda forever, regardless of what that nasty old rag called the "Constitution" says (outdated document anyhow, I use it for toilet paper, y'know?). We must turn America into an armed camp, with spies on every block reporting to the Department of Homeland Security and soldiers on every street corner checking the papers of everyone passing by in order to prevent terrorists from infiltrating our great nation and contaminating our bodily fluids. We must make sure that every American, everywhere, is properly stamped, ordered, sorted, microchipped, and tracked from birth to death. Otherwise, the terrorists have won.

I ask each and every one of you to bow your head in prayer for our Great Leader and the task before us: insuring the safety of every American. Without your help, we shall never be able to protect America from the price of freedom. So as you cringe in terror of the vile perverts, hijackers, and Democrats who want to destroy our great nation, please think about our Great Leader and make sure that you, and all those around you, vote for him in November. The alternative (a DEMON-crat elected as President) is just too gruesome to consider.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin


Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.