Saturday, October 30, 2004

Take the Bush Pledge 

This Pledge is said by all attendees at our Glorious Leader's rallys:

I care about freedom and liberty. I care about my family. I care about my country. Because I care, I promise to work hard to re-elect, re-elect George W. Bush as president of the United States. I believe in one father, one son and one other son, who's now governor of Florida, who will take over after this son retires from office in 2009. I believe in one Party, one Homeland, and one Family to bind them. For the power, and the glory, and the adoration of the masses, forever and ever, hallaleujah, AMEN!

There. Don't you feel better now?

Yours in Patriotism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Postscript: Jesus's General gives us the oath in its original German!:

Ich schwöre bei Gott diesen heiligen Eid, daß ich dem Führer des Amerikan Reiches und Volkes George W. Bush, dem Oberbefehlshaber der Wehrmacht, unbedingten Gehorsam leisten und als tapferer Soldat bereit sein will, jederzeit für diesen Eid mein Leben einzusetzen.

Isn't that nifty?!

Friday, October 29, 2004

Friday Creature Bloggin 

I'm not sure what this creature is, but he was spotted on a hiking trail near Phoenix, Arizona. My suspicion is that this bug is a NADER SUPPORTER. He's funny-looking, and colored Commie red and Anarchist black. Any entemologists out there who know this bug's correct genus and species?

Yours in Entemology,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

New voting procedure for this year's election 

Please remember that, because of the high turnout expected at the polls this year, Democrats will be voting on Tuesday, November 2nd, and Republicans will be voting on Wednesday, November 3rd.

Be sure to remind all your friends!

Yours in truthfulness,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Our Glorious Leader gives LIE-berals the what-for 

Take that, you traitors to America!

Yours in patriotic suppression of dissent,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Kerry gave $6 billion to terrorists! 

As I mentioned before, if you vote for Kerry, puppies will EAT US ALL! But the proud men (and token woman) at Bush And Republicans against Felines (B.A.R.F.) have uncovered yet another conspiracy against America: John F. Kerry voted for $6 billion to terrorist felines.

Now I hear you saying, "Kittens? Kittens will destroy America?". But you just do not know! That great hero Sluggy Freelance uncovered the dire plot of Satan's kittens to destroy America, and KERRY IS SOFT ON KITTENS!

EEEEK! Calico kittens! HELP!

Yours in terror of calico kittens,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America.

Reason #512 to vote for our Glorious Leader next week: Bush is not soft on terrorist kittens, and terrorist kittens are terrified of Pastor General Ashcroft!

My endorsement for President: George W. Bush 

Okay, this is no surprise. But here's why you should vote for our Glorious Leader next week:

  1. He is Jesus's second cousin, and, like, God's appointed representative on Earth, with a direct line straight to the Big Guy in the sky!
  2. Our Dear Leader's glorious jobs record, where President George W. Hoover made sure that over 1,000,000 American slackers got kicked out of their jobs and replaced by hard-working darkies overseas. What, are you some kinda racist, thinking that hard-working darkies working under conditions of slavery, chained to their machines and supervised by armed guards, shouldn't be taking slacker American's jobs? HERESY! Look, it's our American *DUTY* to re-invent the Southern plantation overseas, and crack our whip over those lazy darkies! Americans should be *PROUD* to be replaced by slaves!
  3. Our Brave Leader's environmental record, where his Healthy Forests initiative protects America from the dire threat posed by healthy forests, and his Clear Skies initiative protects America from the dire threat posed by clear skies.
  4. His sterling record of fiscal responsibility, spending like a drunk sailor. Only people who hate our brave men in the Navy have any problem with our Glorious Leader's spending!
  5. Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson loathes our Glorious Leader. Anybody that a hippy druggy like "Dr." Thompson hates must be a good man!
  6. His wonderous progress in eliminating budget surpluses by running up the largest deficit in our nation's history. See, this way our CHILDREN can pay for the goodies we want, instead of us having to pay for it. Isn't that GLORIOUS?! The little rugrats DESERVE to pay for all the times they vomited all over the floor, tracked mud onto the carpet, and forced us to change their crappy nappies!
  7. His sterling record of seperating our soldiers from their bodies so that they can go see Jesus early via invading a country that had no weapons of mass destruction and no operational ties to al Qaeda. Our Great Leader should be applauded for helping these men get to Heaven early!
  8. Our Glorious Leader's forgiving Osama bin Laden for attacking America. After Osama declared that he was Born Again and had accepted Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior, why, our Great Leader had no course of option other than to let Osama bin Laden go! Remember, forgiveness is a Christian virtue, and anybody who says that our Glorious Leader should have brought Osama to justice is just being spiteful and vindictive and un-Christian. Why, it is our CHRISTIAN DUTY to allow terrorists to attack America and get away with it!
  9. Our Glorious Leader's steadfast nature. Like the captain of the Titanic, he knows that changing course when there's icebergs ahead just gives aid and comfort to icebergs (or something like that). There is only one course to take, and that is full speed ahead! Only a wishy-washer flip-flopper would slow down and change course if he received reports of icebergs ahead!
  10. Our glorious leader's success in uniting America. The boys at Little Green Snotballs and The Daily Kos love each other and engage in fair and reasoned speech with each other on a daily basis, perfect proof of how our Glorious Leader has united America!
  11. Our glorious leader's sterling record of (not) respecting state's rights via his Every Child Left Behind Act. Look, that edumacation stuff is too important to leave to the states. If we don't dictate how each child is taught reading and math all the way from Washington D.C., if we let the states rather than federal bureaucrats decide how to educate our children, the terrorists will DESTROY AMERICA!
  12. The Communist Party's official organ, The Nation, publishes a list 100 Facts about Bush that purports to be reasons not to vote for Bush. If the Commies hate Bush, you must elect him!
  13. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a wookie from the planet Kishik, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense. Why would a wookie, an 8 foot tall wookie want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2 foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more importantly, you have to ask yourself; what does this have to do with this election? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen it has nothing to do with this election. It does not make sense. Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense, none of this makes sense! And so you have to remember. When you’re in that voting booth deliberating and conjugating the emancipation proclamation, does it make sense? No. Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed voting population, it does not make sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor you must vote for our great leader, George W. Bush.
  14. And last, but not least: If you vote for John Kerry, taxes will go up to 99%, all boys will be required to become swishy fellers and all girls will be required to become butch and all boys will be required to marry boys and all girls will be forced to marry girls, forced abortions will be the law of the land, and the terrorists, kittens, and puppies will KILL US ALL! Vote for Bush, or we ALL DIE!
So there you have it: the fair and reasoned explanation for why you should vote for our Lord's holy annointed Ruler on Earth, George W. Bush!

Yours in Partisanship,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Oil is more important than explosives 

Look, I know that there's over 300 tons of explosives missing that the IAEA had warned us needed securing, explosives that can be used to detonate a nuclear bomb, explosives that have been used in terrorist attacks against Americans, and that these explosives are the most powerful explosives short of an outright nuclear bomb, and enough explosives to make thousands of car bombs, but look, we had other priorities: making sure that every post-it note at the Oil Ministry is accounted for.

Look, it's not as if the explosives were important, anyhow. They're only being used to kill our soldiers, and as our Pastor General has commented in the past, that's no big deal. What's important is the oil. We can't let Vice President Halliburton's oil go unprotected, after all!

In other news, you may be wondering why I haven't been on television from Baghdad, Iraq, lately. Well, after the terrorists blew up my favorite restaurant inside the Green Zone, well, I decided that if I stayed in Iraq, some Iraqi family was gonna be eatin' frog legs for dinner! Ribbet! Ribbet! Ribbet! So I hopped and jumped down to Kuwait City, where they're still grateful to us for liberating them from Saddam. Phew! For a few days there, I thought I was gonna end up in somebody's pot! But don't worry, brave souls, I'm safe now.

Brigadier General Mark Kermit, former Coalition spokesperson, Kuwait City, Kuwait

Alright, time to send Slim to Gitmo 

This is simply unacceptable. I know what music is supposed to sound like, and that ain't it.

Yours in fury at insane rap "musicians",
Singin' John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Good news - crime is down! 

Murders are up, but that just means more people are getting to see Jessus early, Hallaleujah, AMEN! But the fact that overall crime is down proves that faith-based law-enforcement works. All you need is faith, faith my friends, and all crime will be down! We don't need more cops on the streets, we just need PRAYER!

Now, I know those silly people in the reality-based community insist that the way to fight crime is to put cops on the street, but they're just not thinking outside the box. The way to fight crime is PRAYER! If we just spend more money on CHURCHES, have faith, pray to God, and wish upon a star, why, crime will disappear forever!

Yours in Faith,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Vote for Bush or the puppies will eat you! 

Some people wonder about the sanity of the Bush campaign putting out a campaign commercial showing puppies playing in the woods. But look: John F. Kerry voted to cut defense a jillion million times when he wasn't shooting unarmed teenagers in the back, forcing red-blooded American boys to be gay, and forcing young girls to have abortions. John F. Kerry is soft on puppies. If you elect John F. Kerry, the puppies will KILL US ALL!

Look at the puppies! Look at the horrible evil puppies! Vote for our Glorious Leader next week, or the puppies will DESTROY AMERICA!

Yours in trembling in fear,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, October 22, 2004

Friday Creature Blogging 

Welcome to today's edition of Friday Creature Blogging! What you see here is a MOOCHER. This fierce beast, shown marking its territory (which is everything), is comprised of approximately 10 pounds of fur and 5 pounds of bone and muscle. It is supposedly "owned" by someone in the neighborhood, but nobody is quite sure by whom. In the meantime, it fends for itself by walking up to any likely-looking human, and whining "Feed me! Mrrrowww!" and purring and rubbing up against said human until that human feeds it some scraps or kitty kibble or spare children. The neighborhood children call it "Oreo", and it follows them around when it's not mooching off the adults. My suspicion is that this is one of those evil KERRY supporters. I know it's a DEMON-crat, because a good Republican would have a job and wouldn't be whining "Feed me!" all the time.

Next week: It's up in the sky! What is it?! Tune in next week to see!

Yours in keeping to Friday blogging custom,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Good news for Bush! 

Up til now, every scrap of independent evidence proved Saddam Hussein's Iraq had no ties to Bin Laden. All you silly LIE-berals in the Reality-Based Community laughed at us in the Faith Based Community.

But *FINALLY*, terrorists in Iraq have sworn loyalty to Bin Laden. Of course, it cost us more than 1,100 dead soldiers and more than $120 billion to create the previously once non-existent terrorist haven Bush invaded to root out, but give our Great Leader credit: He never wavers. Like the Captain of the Titanic, his reaction to obstacles ahead is "Damn the icebergs, full speed ahead!" Our Great Leader said there were terrorists in Iraq and, by God, He didn't rest until he made it happen!

Now *THAT* is what I call creating our own reality! Take that, you silly LIE-berals!

Yours in Gloating,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Tiger Woods: Terrorist threat 

Somehow I missed this opportunity to espouse my defense of America last week. Anyhow, we stopped one of them terrorist darkies from entering America. And I forgot to hold a press conference announcing that fact, darn!

After all, everybody knows that only Cat Stevens is a more dastardly terror threat than... TIGER WOODS.

Yours in disappointment at missing a press conference opportunity,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

1100th American soldier brought to Jesus in Iraq! 

I am proud to announce that the 1100th American soldier has been brought to Jesus in Iraq. The lucky ducky winner of this singular honor is Chief Warrant Officer William I. Brennan (see photo to left), 36, of Bethlehem, Conn. He was assigned to the 1st Battalion, 25th Aviation Regiment, 25th Infantry Div., and died when his helicopter was winged by an RPG round and, shortly thereafter, crashed into another helicopter. He is in heaven now, where his hound dogs will never get distemper and his trailer will always be a double-wide and the beer never runs out while he's down fishing at the fishing hole and the fish are always biting and his pickup truck don't rust. He's gone to Jesus and is in a better place, and we should thank our Great Leader, George W. Bush, for his mercy in putting our boys in girls in uniform in a place where they can be brought to Jesus sooner than they usually would. Halleleujah, amen!

As for Mr. Brennan's grieving family, Kathy Martinez Brennan and his two adorable little tykes 4-year-old Katelin and 2-year-old Cassidy who will never really know their daddy other than as a vague image of a big comforting presence early in their lives, we have lots of awards for them to help them through their time of grief! First of all, we will hide their loved one's body from public view so that their unseemly grief does not get publicized by those dastardly villains in the press, and make sure that our Glorious Leader completely and utterly ignores them. Once we sneak the body to the funeral home of their choice, we will give them generous burial benefits: a free headstone, a free flag, a free burial plot in a national cemetary hundreds of miles from their home, and a lump sum benefit of $2,000 to help bury their loved one, about enough money to buy a wooden box (hey, once it's draped with that free flag, nobody will be able to tell it's just a plywood crate!). We will also provide a recording of a bugler playing taps, and at least two service members one of whom may even be from the same branch of the service, in order to give the burial the solemnity that it deserves (not to mention help hide the fact that Mr. Brennan is being buried in a plywood box). Once the grieving widow and her now-orphaned children get back home from the faraway city where we buried their loving husband and father, we will then give them the princely sum of $967 per month, or roughly $6/hour if she worked full time. Hey, that's plenty of compensation for the loss of her loved one's companionship and income, after all, it's better than she would get down at the chicken rendering plant! And hey, we'll even pay for her children's trade school tuition -- $788/month so they can learn exciting professions like auto mechanic, welder, etc.

And once we've done all these generous things for the grieving widow, then we'll pray for her. For at least five seconds. There's lots of things we have to pray for, after all! Then we'll forget about her because, like, she's going to heaven of course so she'll be with her loved one soon enough, so why should we worry? It's not like it's our fault that Jesus chose her husband to go to heaven!

What's that, Donnie? You say you need some help moving your tin soldiers around on the map? Sorry folks, gotta go. Lettt the EEEEEEEAGLE SOOOOOAR!!!! NO Donny, NO, keep the gag away, I'll quit singing, I promise! HELP! HELP!

Yours in Jealousy of Sgt. Brennan's early trip to see Jesus,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, October 18, 2004

A proud NON-member of the Reality-Based Community 

One of those LIE-berals says he and Libertarians and other opponents of our Fearless Leader's rule are part of the "Reality-Based Community". All I gotta say is, WHAT reality?

Look, in their "reality" our Great Leader has run up close to a trillion dollars in debt, sunk the Army into a quagmire in Iraq, offended all our former friends, enacted draconian anti-freedom laws, and let Osama bin Laden get away. If that's "reality", they can have it.

Look: We make our own reality, via our wishes, dreams and prayers. All we have to do is wish hard enough, pray hard enough, and it will come true. Lord Jesus, hear our prayers! Our budget is balanced, nobody pays taxes, our mighty Army controls a democratic Iraq, Iran has converted to Christianity and elected a CIA agent as President, our people are completely free to be Christians and worship our Great Leader! Lord oh Lord, you'll make it so, I know! In Jesus's sweet and loving name, AMEN.

All you have to do is pray, people. All you have to do is pray, and everything good will happen. Our Lord's Administration knows this, why don't you?

Yours in faith,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Traitors threaten American democracy 

I'm here to tell you about a vast radical conspiracy to overthrow the benevolent rule of our Glorious Leader. The biggest threat to American democracy is uppity darkies and DEMON-crats who think that all Americans should have the right to vote. That just isn't true! Only voters who can pass arbitrary literacy tests of my own devising should have the right to vote!

Look, these dastardly DEMON-crats want all votes counted. I say NO! Look, if a voter doesn't properly dot the right i's, cross the right t's, it's only right and fair that his vote be torn up, spit upon, and thrown into the gutter. After all, if someone is so stupid that they, say, show up at the wrong polling place on November 2, do you REALLY want this guy's vote to be worth anything?

Remember: The right to vote is a right only for literate, well-organized people who know every little bit of the election law. Everybody else is just a peasant, and let them eat chads!

In order to protect the right (for right thinking white male people like myself) to vote for our Great Leader, who is, like, Jesus's second cousin and who those evil traitor DEMON-crats want to overthrow (the NERVE of them, wanting to overthrow our government!), I have gotten together with my good friends at Diebold to ensure that our votes are properly counted: when a voter votes for a DEMON-crat, the machine will suddenly start whooping and a red rotating light will start flashing. That is the signal for the Voter Integrity Workers to come in and lead that traitor to America off. The machine will not, of course, record that treasonous attempt to overthrow our Great Leader's benevolent rule. My only real problem with this plan is the shortage of cattle cars, this is a LOT of cattle cars! We might have to pile the traitors on top of each other a bit, maybe smush them in. Some of them might even die (gosh, like I care?). But don't worry, we WILL protect the integrity of the voting process in America, or I'm not the Attorney General!

Yours in protecting the right to vote,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Patriot O'Reilly's new book is out! 

Over at Jesus's General, the good General reviews Bill O'Reilly's new book, which teaches children the conservative approach to sex, hygeine, and phone etiquette. Good show, General! Our brave patriotic O'Reilly, under attack by the dastardly LIE-berals for treating women the way they're supposed to be treated, deserves our support!

Saturday, October 16, 2004

The new terrorist threat to America 

We have now uncovered a new terrorist threat to America, one so dire, so evil, that it has more FBI agents assigned to it than are assigned to shutting down the financial network of the bastard blowing our soldiers to pieces in Iraq. This group of terrorists is doing far, far more harm than someone who is killing our soldiers (after all, our soldiers are made of the finest of tin, so all we have to do is roll them back out and re-cast them and they're fine), and is even more evil that that other danger to America, 70's singer-songwriters. This group of terrorists is hurting PROFITS, and, most importantly, profits of MUSIC COMPANIES! I am, of course, talking about online music pirates.

Look, I *have* to do this. Sales of Let The Eagle Soar have SUCKED. This is because of online piracy, I'm 100% sure! As a singer/songwriter myself, I'm tired of having my music pirated by millions of teeny-boppers around the world who just can't get enough of my Greatest Hits like Blessed Be That City which has received rave reviews from the critics, such as not since the last time I slammed my cat's tail in the refrigerator door had I heard anything so melodic as the timeless Ashcroft classic, "Blessed be that City."

So see, it's simple: music piracy not only hurts the profits of my friends in the music industry, it also hurts MY profits, by reducing the sales of my music, which otherwise would be making me millions of dollars due to my melodious voice and outstanding lyrics. Those online music pirates truly ARE the biggest terrorist threat to America!

Yours in musical enjoyment,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Let them eat NCLBA 

A bunch of Iraq vets are whining that now they're homeless and living in cars because, after arms or legs were blown off in Iraq, we don't process their disability benefits. What a bunch of whiney losers. But don't worry, we have a solution for their problem. It's called the No Child Left Behind Act.

Hold it, you say, what does an act that imposes standardized testing on all school children have to do with veterans whose guts are missing because of shrapnel and thus who will have to walk around with a colostomy bag for the rest of their lives? You say that doesn't make sense? Look, are you saying that our Glorious Leader is lying when he says that the No Child Left Behind Act is the solution to outsourcing, low minimum wage, racial discrimination, and abortion? For shame! You give aid and comfort to our nation's enemies when you say bad things about our Commander in Chief! You ought to be shot as a traitor, you lying slime.

The No Child Left Behind Act IS the solution to disabled soldiers not getting their benefits due to not enough workers processing claims at the Veteran's Administration. After all, the children exiting our schools in the future will be the most tested, most regimented, most adept at pushing bullshit paperwork around in our nation's history, and thus it may take ten years or so but when that generation hits the VA claims processing centers, that paperwork is suddenly going to go VOOM! through the system. If our Commander in Chief says the sky is purple, the sky is purple, and if you say anything different in front of this frog I'll shoot you down like the lying traitor you are!

Reporting truth from the front lines,
Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Baghdad, Iraq

Friday, October 15, 2004

T-shirts of mass destruction will DESTROY AMERICA! 

These three traitors to America, members of that "teacher" conspiracy that tries to teach our children that they need books other than the Bible, tried to blow up our Glorious Leader's mind by wearing t-shirts that proclaimed, "Protect our Civil Liberties". They have, of course, been arrested and detained for possession of T-Shirts of Mass Destruction, and declared enemy combatants and sent to Gitmo for interrogation. We in the Justice Department are certain that with enough time we will be able to get them to implicate other members of their terror organization that is attempting to overthrow our Supreme Leader. If that doesn't work, we'll just send them to Syria to be tortured for us. We WILL get the goods on that terrorist organization. We WILL!

Yours in pleasure at a job well done,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday Creature Blogging 

These are VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES. This strange creature is very rare (only two mature specimens known in existence, though at least two immature versions have been spotted tagging along behind strange creatures provisionally identified as the "Yellow-backed Screeching Nader" and the "Wild-Eyed Loonie Badnarik") and is rarely sighted, apparently preferring to hide in secure undisclosed locations. It is uncertain how they mate. The two specimens above have been spotted together only once, and no obvious mating rituals took place other than ritual screeching, cackling, and feces-throwing, none of which seemed sufficient to produce offspring, yet every four year a new specimen (and sometimes two) of this strange and mysterious creature appears from seemingly nowhere to mystify the populance with odd irrelevancies. What is the purpose of this strange species? How does it reproduce? How does it entertain itself during its four-year hibernation? Why does it appear that, every four years when this creature pops out of its mysterious undisclosed location, at least one of the known specimens is (gasp) a DEMON-crat? What a strange and mystifying creature this "Vice Presidential Candidate" is!

Yours in puzzling the wonders of nature,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Let them eat education 

I want to tell you about this marvelous law that the President talked about last night during the Presidential debate, the No Child Left Behind Act, which, as our Great Leader told us, is the solution to outsourcing, a low minimum wage, racial discrimination, and abortion. Now, a lot of you have wondered why our Great Leader spent so much time reading The Pet Goat on 9/11 after being informed that the country was under attack. Well, that's simple: Just as education is the solution to having your job outsourced, education is the solution to terrorism too! Just as I solved the problem of not enough translators by embarking on a program of teaching English to terrorists, our Glorious Leader knew that solving the problem of terrorism was a matter of helping children learn to read thanks to the wonders of the No Child Left Behind Act, which is the solution to all of our nation's woes, except for the problems solved by tax cuts and medical savings accounts for people whose jobs have been outsourced to India.

Now, some of you may be going "Huh? But that doesn't make sense!" But look, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a wookie from the planet Kishik, but Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense. Why would a wookie, an 8 foot tall wookie want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2 foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more importantly, you have to ask yourself; what does this have to do with this election? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen it has nothing to do with this election. It does not make sense. Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense, none of this makes sense! And so you have to remember. When you’re in that voting booth deliberating and conjugating the emancipation proclamation, does it make sense? No. Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed voting population, it does not make sense. If Chewbacca lives on Endor you must vote for our great leader, George W. Bush. The defense rests!

And one final thing: While little Timmy may be homeless, hungry, dressed in rags, and has no health insurance because little Timmy's mommy and daddy's jobs were outsourced to Bangalore, thanks to the No Child Left Behind Act little Timmy will die a WELL EDUCATED little boy when he catches a cold and dies of pneumonia because the public health clinic in his city closed due to budget cuts. Why would you deny little Timmy the opportunity to die a well-educated little boy? A vote for that evil DEMON-crat liberal Kerry (who eats babies, did I mention that yet?) is a vote for little Timmy to die ignorant!

Yours in adoring Marie Antoinette,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Puling Democrats try to overthrow our Glorious Leader 

I am shocked, shocked I say, that these puling Democrats are whining that they should be allowed to cast ballots against our Glorious Leader's coronation. It is every American's duty to vote for our Glorious Leader next month. After all, if you do not vote for our Glorious Leader, hoards of terrorist Islamo-fascists will crawl out of every sewer cover and every bathroom drain and DESTROY AMERICA! Yet here they are, whining that "GOP officials are deliberately using the law to keep black people off the rolls and hinder them from voting", black voters should be allowed to have ballots, and voter registration forms for Democrats should not be ripped up and thrown in the trash. One group of these DEMON-crats even filed a lawsuit trying to force us to register these traitors to America! For shame! Those traitors to America want to overthrow our Glorious Leader's benevolent rule, and thus it's *RIGHT* that they not be allowed to vote in November!

Yours in outrage at those who would overthrow our Glorious Leader,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Ignore the hump, there is no hump there 

There was no flying saucer in Grinnel, Iowa. There are no slug-like alien invader parasites that ride on people's backs and control their minds, making them operate as jerky puppets in the hands of an alien menace. Nothing to see here, move along.

-- Yours in reminding you of reality,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

LIE-berals are dispicable baby murderers 

So now those LIE-berals are upset because we good conservatives called Christopher Reeves a baby murderer. Oh wah, cry me a river! Mr. Reeves was a strong advocate for murdering six-cell babies in order to harvest their fetal stem cells, and it is only fair and right that he died because he was paralyzed, developed a sore he could not feel (because he was paralyzed) that got infected, and died from it. After all, six-cell babies are more human than a LIE-beral DEMON-crat like Christopher Reeves. Who was he to say that his life was more important than that of a six cell baby?

In other news, I got one of them Jesus-killing Jews on my staff, and he asked me today when we were going to get the law passed mandating that he go to church like all good Christians. I said it wasn't going to be until President Jeb took office, but he better start studying up on his Bible anyhow, 'cause when we mandate church attendance on every Sunday he needs to know what the preacher is talking about or the Asscroft Inquisition might round him up and burn him as a heretic like we're going to do with all those statue-worshipping Papists. Boy, you should have seen that Jew-boy's eyes start bulging! But, darn it, we're a Christian nation, founded on Christian principles, and those dadburned Jews and Papists are gonna have to convert to Christ or suffer the same fate here they suffered in Spain -- death at the stake for the heretics!

Yours in rubbing hands in glee at the thought of an Asscroft Inquisition,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Picture of one of those cute innocent widdle babies that Christopher Reeves wanted to murder:

Monday, October 11, 2004

The Bible is the only book you need 

I applaud the school board of Charles County, Maryland, for acknowledging this truth. Their proposal to remove books from the required reading list that are filled with "profanity and pornography, fornication and adultery" and replace them with the Bible is clearly necessary in order to preserve the moral purity of our innocent youth. I mean,there obviously is no nudity, fornication, or adultery in the Bible, thus making it the perfect guide to moral behavior for today's youth.

Yours in Holy Babbling,
Joh Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, October 08, 2004

Oh, who won the bet? 

Well, neither I nor Donnie won the bet. Instead, the house negro won the bet. That darned darkie bet $20 that Cheney would channel enough Pure Evil(tm) to make it through the debate, and claimed that Cheney would not have a heart attack during the debate because, the last time Cheney had a heart attack, he had the surgeons remove his heart and replace it with a dark sphere of pure pulsating evil. Darn! Darn darn! Now I gotta go ask my wife for $20! And I already owed him $10 for shining my shoes last night!

-- Your Attorney General

Sean Hannity mistreated by LIE-beral universities! 

Look, we good conservatives know that those universities are all full of un-Christian LIE-berals pushing those phony ideas like "reasoning", "thought", and "science" when all that we need is faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ, and in His holy annointed (with Crisco!) Bush administration here on Earth, but look: this is just too much. General J.C. Christian, Patriot, alerts us to yet another outrage perpetrated upon one of us good conservatives by a LIE-beral university: They refused to treat Sean Hannity in the manner to which his good taste and breeding entitles him.

Look, Mr. Hannity didn't request anything extraordinary, just what is his due for being a prince of the conservative movement in America. For example, he requested four sturdy slaves to carry his sedan chair, a feast worthy of an emperor, a Praetorian Guard of at least a dozen fully-armed-and-armored centurians, and a slave to lick his delicate toochus clean when he defecated, and what did they offer him? First class. FIRST CLASS! Where he might actually have to mix with the hoi poloi! Where he would have to use TOILET PAPER if he had to defecate!

Those LIE-beral college students just don't know how to treat a man of Mr. Hannity's stature, but then, they're all a bunch of dirty Commies anyhow, so why would we expect any better from them?

Yours in having the common touch,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday Creature Blogging 

This is Sluggo, my daughter's pet banana slug. He is a fat healthy slug, as you can see by the hiking pole beside him, which is a nice sturdy hiking pole that shows he's about 5 inches long. Sluggo spends most of his time in the redwood forest near the University of California-Santa Cruz (a notorious "stoner school" that my daughter investigated a few years back) turning redwood needles into nice fluffy slug doody. My daughter taunts me from time to time by sending me pictures of herself naked with Sluggo and ... uhm, let's not go there.

Banana slugs are interesting creatures. They remind me a lot of some of the Congressmen I know -- they're spineless, slimy, move slowly, and their entire purpose in life is to turn cellulose (paper) into doody (laws). And they are the official athletic team mascot of UCSC -- what were those Cahleefornicators smoking? Never mind, I know what they were smoking, they were smoking that evil mari-joo-wanna stuff that, like, gives you reefer madness and stuff, y'know? That's what I love about California, there's always something for me to investigate out there, unlike my own home state of Missery, which is full of god-fearing folks whose biggest crime is occasionally knifing each other in drunken bar brawls on Friday nights. For shame! Don't they know that strong drink is the devil's tool? But thankfully they have accepted our Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, so they're going to Heaven, while all those stoners at UCSC are going to HELL!

So let's give a big hand to Sluggo. He most certainly is a fitting Creature of the Week.

Yours in keeping to blogging tradition,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, October 07, 2004


Fresh from our success in protecting America from the dire threat posed by Cat Stevens, our brave Republican Party has foiled yet another threat to America: Clean underwear.

That's right, America is threatened by clean underwear and noodles. It is clear, clear I say, that our Administration must take charge from treasonous traitors such as Isabella County Prosecutor Larry Burdick who retorted, when asked by the brave men of the Michigan Republican Party to take action upon this dire threat to our nation, "I choose to devote our resources to prosecuting those who are delivering cocaine to our young people rather than underwear."

All I can say is that this Larry Burdick person must be a DEMON-crat. Their priorities are all wrong. For example, that traitor John F. Kerry criticized Dear Leader for going after Saddam rather than Osama bin Laden for the 9/11 attacks when Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11 and had neither WMD nor a program to produce them, showing that he completely misunderstands what it takes to be on top in today's world. Just like that pussy Democrat Franklin D. Roosevelt, who, when Japan attacked our nation at Pearl Harbor, declared war on Japan rather than Mexico. What was he thinking?! I mean, it's obvious to all us good Republicans that if one set of people attack you, the only rational response is to declare war against another set of people altogether!

And when presented with a choice between bringing Michael Moore to justice and bringing Osama bin Laden to justice, the choice is clear: Michael Moore is the bigger threat to America. I mean, literally! By at least 100 pounds!

Yours in keeping his priorities straight,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Funny, ha ha 

This just in from some treasonous fool at the Chicago Tribune (soon to be jobless):

Q: How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. There's nothing wrong with that light bulb. It has served us honorably. When you say it's burned out, you're giving encouragement to the forces of darkness. Once we install a light bulb, we never, ever change it. Real men don't need artificial light.
Those treasonous LIE-beral media are once again making jokes about our Great Leader's steadfastness. But they don't understand. 9/11 changed everything. We need a manly man like our Great Leader to chart a path through these uncertain waters, a man who, like the captain of the Titanic, knows that the only way to handle obstacles in the path of the ship of state is to say "damn the icebergs, full speed ahead!" If that frenchified wuss John F. Kerry had been captain of the Titanic, why, he would have slowed down and changed course upon hearing that there were icebergs ahead. That kind of irresolute and overcautious behavior most definitely disqualifies him from being President!

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you're on the wrong path or not, as long as you're resolute! Changing course just because there's stuff in the way of success just gives aid and comfort to icebergs. (Uhm, or something like that).

Yours in appreciating manly men who don't clutter their heads with that "thinking" stuff,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Deputy Leader is Presidential! 

Dear Leader's Puppeteer shows who's the REAL power behind the Presidency, and also demonstrated why us good Republicans are going to kick some Democrat butt next month. I am proud, proud I say, of our valiant Deputy Leader. He lies with a straight face and without ever blinking his eyes or any other sign that he was lying. Meanwhile, that wuss John Edwards is such a weenie he flinched from using the word "lie" ("misdirection"? What kinda weenie wuss word is that?!), and whined about the importance of telling the truth to the nation and the world. As if! Nobody wants to know the truth, they want to hear easy excuses and easy lies. They want to hear that somebody else is responsible for their pathetic lives of desperation and misery, like LIE-berals and trial lawyers and stuff. They don't want that "truth" stuff, 'cause the truth is harsh while lies are soothing and comforting.

Because we are steadfast in our dedication to saying whatever is needed to win, and the Democrats keep insisting on that truth stuff, there will be no contest in November. We will win, and we will win big. Truth has never defeated lies in the entire history of our planet, and when it comes to lies, we lie bigger and better than any Democrat ever will.

Yours in exulting over our upcoming victory,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Debate previews 

Our Great Leader, fresh off his victory in the last debate, has come up with a sure-fired way to get even more advantage over Kerry in his next debate: Wear his flight suit to remind people of his brave service to our nation in the Texas Air National Guard.

In the meantime, Dear Leader's Puppeteer is about to debate John-boy Trial Lawyer Edwards (hey, did I mention that he's an evil trial lawyer?) on television. I can't wait! Right now we're holding a bit of an office pool over how many minutes Dicky is going to last before, red-faced and upset by Senator Goodhair's evil attacks upon our Dear Leader, he clutches his chest, collapses behind the podium, and is hauled out on a stretcher by the paramedics waiting in the wings to the ambulance backed up to the back of the auditorium. I'm betting $5 on 29 minutes. That turkey Rummy is betting the same that Dicky will last only 13 minutes. This will be fun!

Yours in debatable debating,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

NOTE: This just got even more fun! I now have heard that an 18-wheeler with an entire surgical suite with a complete trauma team has backed up to the auditorium's rear door so that Dickie doesn't even need to be hauled off to a hospital! Uhm, Rummy, can I change my bet now, to, like, 7 minutes? No? DARN!

Monday, October 04, 2004

Slacker soldiers whine about no health care 

Look at that slacker! He ought to be manning twin .50's atop a M113, and instead there he is, lollygagging about in bed when he ought to be working! Sure his leg is shattered by an explosive device that turned the door of his HMMV into shrapnel that gellied the bones in that leg, but look, that's why they invented *crutches*. And then he has the audacity to whine about how our Great Leader's next budget is cutting the Department of Veterans Affairs budget for disability claims. The nerve of this slacker! Not only does he want to lie around in a hospital instead of being a manly man taking the fight to the dastardly enemy, but he wants to get paid to do so too!

I suggest to our Great Leader that he should just cut out disability payments to veterans altogether. Like, that guy with the bullet thru his spine, who can only use one hand. Look, it only takes one hand to shoot a pistol! He could, like, guard a hotel in Baghdad or something from his wheelchair, instead of expecting the taxpayers of our great nation to pay his butt to stay at home! Boy, what a bunch of ingrates these slacker soldiers are, expecting that we ought to take care of them after they get hurt while protecting us from terrorists. What a pack of whiners!

Yours in appreciating REAL manly men (not slacker whiners),
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, October 01, 2004

We've liberated Iraq's children 

We've liberated these little Iraqi children, and as reported last week, Samarra is a beaming success story. Which of course is why *this* week, we have to attack Samarra in order to take it back from the insurgents.

Look, we're here in Iraq to kick butt and take names! Okay, so a few of the little Iraqi children end up liberated before their time, but look, everybody dies. The real question is are they safer now than under Saddam? And if we use the number murdered as yardstick, I would say children are a helluva a lot BETTER off now - as a whole. After all, Saddam regularly killed Kurdish children, well, except for during the last 10 years when we put up a No-Fly Zone and kept him from killing Kurdish children, but look, he WANTED to kill them, just like he WANTED to have weapons of mass destruction, and that's the same thing, right?! ... hmm. Ribbet! Ribbet! Look over there, it's al-Qaeda! Terrorists! If we don't hide pictures of dead children from the American public, the terrorists have won!

Patriotically yours,
-- Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Baghdad, Iraq.

Friday creature blogging 

Today's creature: a DEMON-cat. Who is, obviously, a DEMON-crat. Like all DEMON-crats, he has no respect for private property. His favorite hobbies are chewing wires, shredding rolls of toilet paper, and chewing anything rubber. A few days ago he pulled my son's spare inner tube for his mountain bike out of the bin where it lived, and has thus far chewed several large holes into it. Sometimes I believe he was cross-bred with a dog, but I do not know of any breeds of dog who manage to jump on top of refrigerators (and from thence on top of the kitchen cabinets, where he lurks ready to pounce with needle-sharp claws upon any wayward shoulder that comes nearby). Oh, he's very friendly too. He loves strangers. He runs up to them and asks to be petted. If they don't pet him, he paws their leg. If they still don't pet him, he shreds their leg. Very friendly cat. Yes indeed.

My wife says maybe the maid did not steal my collection of Manly Gladiator Magazine, maybe the DEMON-cat shredded it then ate the shredded paper like he eats rubber bands. I wonder: Should I deport the DEMON-cat to Syria to be tortured like my maid until he barfs up all those glistening pictures of manly men in skirts wrestling with each other? I'm tempted, but every time I mention it to my son, he starts crying that he doesn't want his cute widdle putty tat hurt, and, well, sometimes I'm just a softy. Oh well. I do like the little tad (my son), even if he IS 37 years old and living in the basement.

Yours in fear of demons,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin

Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.