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Thursday, September 30, 2004

If we can't torture, the terrorists will KILL US ALL! 

I applaud the great U.S. Representative Dennis Hastert, and his amendments to the 9/11 bill to legalize torture of terrorists(*) (or, rather, legalize exporting them to Egypt or Syria so the Egyptians or Syrians can torture them for us, don't want to get our own dainty hands dirty, after all!). What if we get a tip that there's a ticking noo-clear bomb under a major city, and we catch one of the dirty terrorists, and the bomb will explode in four hours? Why, if we cannot put him on a plane, fly him for five hours over the Atlantic to Syria, and have the Syrians torture him for another five hours until they break him, why, that bomb will explode and KILL US ALL!

Yours in patriotism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

(*) Terrorist: Anybody who disagrees with our Great Leader or His holy annointed regime.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

More faked documents attack Bush 

Yet another once-reputable news source is using forged documents to attack our Great Leader's service to his country. These documents are fake because:
  1. Times New Roman was not available in 2001, when the earliest of these documents was published.
  2. Proportional spacing could not be done with stone hammers and chisels, which is all that was available back in the dark ages of 2001. Look at this document! It has proportional font! And it's posted on the INTERNET, which didn't exist in 2001!
  3. These documents were purportedly published in newspapers, but a search of Rupert Murdoch and Reverend Moon's databases show that they have never owned anything called a "San Francisco Chronicle", "New York Times", or "Washington Post". If it isn't owned by Rupert or Moon, it isn't a newspaper. Thus the provenance of these documents is utterly ludicrous.
  4. Fox News, the only fair and balanced news source in the world, has never published any of these documents. If Fox News didn't publish it, you know it has to be a forgery.

I must say that I'm shocked, shocked I say! that these dastardly LIE-berals once again are attacking our Great Leader with forged documents. I will leave you with the words of a great American, Rep. Tom Delay (R-TX):

"We're fairly confident that these so-called 'news stories' will turn out to be partisan smear tactics," DeLay said. "I wouldn't be surprised if all 11 billion of these words turn out to be forgeries. For thousands of reporters, editors, and government officials to claim that Bush compromised the security and fiscal health of this nation is not merely anti-American, but also dangerous."

I stand ready to investigate at your request, Mr. DeLay!

Yours in outrage at those dastardly LIE-berals,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

And in other news, the Democrats eat baked babies too! 




Amen, brother! My friends at the Republican National Convention know that Democrats eat babies for lunch, want to ban the Bible (even that John Edwards feller, who professes to be a bible-thumpin' Christian), cause your hound dog to die and your pickup truck to rust and the floor to fall out from under your double-wide, and uhm oh yeah, they'll raise taxes until you gotta pay your boss to hire ya 'cause of all the taxes he has to take out to send to the Federal Government! Remember, all these bad things happen if you vote for those evil Satanic Democrats, who, like, will FORCE EVERY AMERICAN MAN TO BE A HOMO AND MARRY ANOTHER MAN if they're elected!

Yours in defending America against these traitorous Satanic beings,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Michael Moore now illegal 

I am proud to announce that Michael Moore is now illegal. If you spot this enemy of the State anywhere, please contact the FBI. He has told too many lies(*) about our Great Leader, and *must* be stopped!

Yours in enjoying freedom(**),
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

(*) Lies: Facts unapproved by the Ministry of Truth
(**) Freedom: Expressing opinions and engaging in activities approved by the Ministry of Truth

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Who else should Homeland Security protect us from? 

As we all know, the Department of Homeland Security recently saved America from a diabolical plot by Cat Stevens to destroy America with his nasal whine, a diabolical plot so evil, so horrid, that not only was Cat Stevens detained and deported upon entering America, but his jetliner was diverted to Bangor Maine in order to protect our nation's capital from the driven-insane piloting that would have inevitably happened if we'd allowed Cat to break into song as the jetliner entered D.C. airspace.

In honor of the Department of Homeland Security, which in recent days has protected our nation from the Typewriters of the Apocalypse, the Lemons of Wrath, the Personal Items of Mass Destruction, the Vegemite-weilding Retirees of the Revolution (man, that vegemite stuff really DOES qualify as a chemical weapon, y'know?) and other such menaces to America, I'd like to start a list of other things the DoHS can protect us from while they're not protecting us from terrorism:

  1. Elton John: Now *THIS* is one scary Brit!
  2. Leonard Cohen: Oh sure, he's 70 years old, but if this Canuck is allowed to sing his depressing songs in America, we'll ALL DIE FROM DEPRESSION!
  3. Scary black men. If we allow them darkies to vote, it'll DESTROY AMERICA!
  4. Freedom. "In Iraq, there's ongoing acts of violence," Bush told a rally in Minneosota. But he added, "Freedom is on the march." Yessirree, Freedom is indeed on the march. Earlier this week, Freedom dropped a bunch of explosives on Fallujah, killing some of its enemies and some women and children. That Freedom is one bad-ass mo'fo (see, I can talk that cool coon talk!) and I'm proud to be helping protect America from that Freedom stuff.


Next up: The evils of those terrorists, "Rule of Law" and "Justice", who are so evil that I had to hide them behind curtains...

Yours in defending America from its vilest enemies,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The real enemy: washed-up musicians.  

We prevented a dastardly terrorist weilding musical instruments from traveling in the nation. That dastardly Cat Stevens really threatens America, big time!

Now, some ask why we had to divert the plane. I mean, washed-up musicians typically aren't viewed as people who are about to hijack a jet at knifepoint. But look, we're talking about a man who tortured more Americans in his time than Saddam Hussein, a man whose expertise at torture is exceeded only by that of Barry Manilow. If we hadn't diverted the jet to Banglore, Maine, why, Cat Stevens's diabolical plot would have succeeded: As the jet approached Washington D.C., he would have BROKE OUT IN SONG! And his nasal whine would have CAUSED THE PILOT TO FLY THE JET INTO THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT! For true!

Yours in protecting America from washed-up musicians,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

I'm a great lawyer! 

One of the little-known things is that I'm more than a songwriter, I'm also a lawyer! As such, I'd like to point out my sterling record for terrorist convictions: Zero convictions for 5,000 arrests. Well, for terrorism, anyhow. But then, New Orleans whores are terrorists, aren't they? Las Vegas strip club owners are terrorists, aren't they? Marijuana smugglers are terrorists, aren't they? Money launderers are terrorists, aren't they? Sick cancer patients in California are terrorists, aren't they? And what about the typewriters of the apocolypse, the terrorist ninjas, the Lemons of Wrath, and the Retirees of the Revolution that I have, uhm, not convicted, but we're safer because I've stopped them? The Patriot Act has indeed been a boon in the War on Terror, and our whole nation would be DESTROYED, destroyed I say, if we let the Patriot Act be repealed!

Yours in patriotism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Osama doesn't matter 

Look, it doesn't matter what Osama bin Laden is up to. Oh sure, he attacked America on 9/11/2001 and killed 2,000+ Americans, but see, he's just one man. It's much more important to have 130,000 American troops in Iraq killing lots of darkies there, than to have those 130,000 American troops searching the hinterlands of Afghanistan and Pakistan where Osama is hiding. See, it's just that our Great Leader, George W. Bush, is a generous and forgiving man. Oh sure, Osama attacked America, but our Great Leader has forgiven him, so it doesn't matter that Osama has not been brought to justice. I mean, sure, Osama killed 2,000+ Americans, but so what? We all know that the real threat to America was a nation (Iraq) that had never attacked us!

Now, that nattering penguin, BadTux, keeps whining that he wants to see Osama hung from the Brooklyn Bridge and flayed alive until he dies of blood loss and shock. For shame, BadTux! Don't you know that it's our Christian duty to allow our nation's enemies to get away with murdering thousands of Americans?!

Yours in saying "Who's Osama?",
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, September 18, 2004

This one is for all you LIE-berals and DEMON-crats 


The compassionate conservative way to get a date 



Look, us conservatives just aren't very sexy, I gotta admit. Look at me. I'm kinda beady-eyed and got jowls like an Arkansas razorback. Look at Paul Wolfowitz. He looks like a total dweeb. So what's a good compassionate conservative supposed to do?

Well, the Bible tells us the way. The Bible says, in Ruth 1:4, "Shepherd, thou shalt take up thy staff, and go unto the village, and purvey unto thyself a wife by grasping of the hair." Yes, that's right, the Bible says that the way to get a wife is to grab one by the hair and haul her off!

So look, that guy at the Bush rally above, that good conservative soul, was just doing his Biblical duty to reproduce, hauling himself off a new wife to have his baby. It's not like he was assaulting her or somethin', no sir! He was just being a loving and compassionate conservative!

Yours in compassion,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, September 17, 2004

Friday cat blogging 

My understanding is that no blog is complete without some sort of creature on Friday. So here's a creature:



This is His Royal Highness George The Cat, Guardian of Catnip, Defender of the Holy Food Bowl, Shredder of Legs, uhm, okay. He is reasserting his ownership of his scanner and printer. His college degree is on the wall behind him.

Now we can get back to our daily Kerry bashing... uhm.... John F. Kerry is CATHOLIC! That means he worships STATUES and engages in ritual CANNIBALISM! Do you want a CANNIBAL for President?!

Yours in ritual admiration of our Great Leader,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Victory in Iraq 

Today I'm turning my blog over to Georgie:

Because we acted to defend ourselves, because we acted in our self interest, more than 50 million people in Iraq and Afghanistan are now free. Our mission is clear in Afghanistan and Iraq. At the heart of my policy is my deep belief in the transformational power of liberty to change the world. I believe in freedom. This young century will be liberty's century. By promoting freedom at home and abroad, we'll build a safer world, and a more hopeful America.. We will pass the enduring values of our country on to a new generation. We will continue to lead the cause of freedom and peace.

-- George W. Bush, 9/16/2004.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Kerry is soft on national security 

Kerry is weak on national security because he won't kill as many darkies as our great leader does. Remember, the security of our nation depends upon how many darkies we can slaughter and pile up, either directly via our own bombs, or indirectly by pushing their country into civil war. Kerry is one of those LIE-berals, who doesn't believe in wanton slaughter of darkies (especially the women and children darkies, those hand-wringing LIE-berals just whine about how we shouldn't be killing innocents!), and thus the nation will not be safe if Kerry is elected President.

Remember: America will not be safe until we slaughter each and every one of the untermenschen. John F. Kerry doesn't have the guts for wanton slaughter. George W. Bush does. That's why you should vote for George W. Bush this November: He'll pile the bodies higher.

Genocidally yours for the Glory of the Fatherland,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Lies! All Lies!  

Look, little Georgie did NOT crash a TANG trainer jet while flying drunk and high with his friend Jimmy Bath, and that had nothing to do with why he and his superior officers quietly agreed he should never fly again, with the missed flight physical as his excuse. And he did NOT buy his girlfriend an illegal abortion, that had NOTHING to do with him having to flee Texas for Alabama barely two steps ahead of her shotgun-totin' relatives! Lies! All lies! Just the ramblings of DEMON-crats!

Meanwhile, Kerry had sex with Rick Santorum's dog. For true! Why do you think Senator Santorum is always rambling about man-on-dog sex? It's because Kerry wants to marry Senator Santorum's dog! For true! I know it's true because one of our Great Leader's campaign workers told me so, and good Republicans never lie!

Yours in outrage at LIE-beral lies,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America


Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Genocide is an American Family Value 

Well, here I was a' walking down the halls of the Department of Justice, humming "Let the Eagle Soar", and who do I come across but Badtux the Libertarian Penguin squawkin' about how he got kicked off of Tacitus.org for pointing out that advocating the extermination of the Wahabi was, well, kinda like Hitler advocating the extermination of the Jews. Now, you know them penguins, they're kinda bird-brains, so I set him straight.

"Look," I told him, "Genocide is an American family value."

He squawked about that. I pointed out how well we'd done with the genocide of the Native Americans, getting them down from millions to a couple hundred thousand by the time we were finished with them in the late 1890's. I pointed out how well we'd done in the Phillipines, where we killed a million Filipinos before we pacified the savages. I pointed out that we managed probably to kill four million Vietnamese during the Vietnam War, including over a million North Vietnamese soldiers, or roughly 10% of the country's population during the Vietnam War. Us Americans are good at kicking ass and taking names. Genocide is as American as apple pie and Chevrolet.

To that the silly penguin could only squawk that genocide *shouldn't* be an American value. Silly penguin! He probably wants us to just round everybody up and sing Kumbaya rather than killing all them darkies like a good American should!

So to all my good friends at Tacitus.org, Little Green Footballs, Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler, Free Republic, and the rest of the good right-wing Republican bloggers out there, keep up the good work advocating American values! Remember, there won't be peace in Fallujah until we raze its buildings, salt its fields, slaughter its men, and sell its women and children into slavery -- just like the Romans did to Carthage. It's the American thing to do, and I am proud of these brave men for so proudly upholding American values!

Genocidally yours,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Our Great Leader liberates our GI's! 

I am proud to announce that one thousand American soldiers have been liberated from their Earthly body and gone to Jesus in Iraq!

Now, to those filthy DEMON-crats who say we good Republicans ought to be ashamed of ourselves for starting a war in Iraq based on lies about weapons of mass destruction, why, what a bunch of filthy un-Christian atheistic LIE-berals they are! Don't they believe in God and Jesus and heaven above? Our Great Leader should be COMMENDED for finding ways to liberate our brave boys and girls in uniform from their earthly bodies so that they can spend eternity in Heaven, where every trailer house is a double-wide and has a bass boat in the driveway, the pickup trucks all have 4 wheel drive and mudders on them, the fish are always biting, and the six packs of Bud are always cold!

And hey, for their families left behind, we're helping them too -- why, we reimburse them a whole $967 per month, as well as give their deceased a free headstone for his grave and $2,000 towards burial expenses, all of which I'm sure 100% compensates them for not having their loved one around to get drunk and beat them up. And hey, it beats working at the chicken rendering plant for $6 an hour like they'd be doing otherwise, and will even buy them a repo trailer house to live in! And look, we're so generous we'll even pay $695 per month for their child's beauty school tuition!

So I'm sure you're going to agree with me: Our Great Leader and His holy appointed administration are doing these families a FAVOR by helping their loved ones meet Jesus early, and anybody who says different is some Jesus-hating LIE-beral DEMON-crat atheist who probably wants to fornicate your family dog!

Yours in Adoration of our Great Leader's Wisdom,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Islamo-fascists! 

I love that word! Don't you love that word? It gives such great images, of a bunch of towel-heads wearing white bathrobes marching in jackboots to trample the world beneath their feet of their conquering hoards, with the best tanks and fighter planes and soldiers in the world at their beck and call.

Of course it's utter bunk. Fascism, as implemented by the only fascist rules in human history (Mussolini, Hitler, Franco) is rule by a strongman in support of corporate socialism. Fascism is explicitly anti-religious because religion threatens its base by introducing concepts like "charity" and "morality" that interfere with corporate profits and der glory of der fatherland.

Islamic extremists, on the other hand, want to impose a rule by their mullahs. This is properly known as "theocracy". Islamic extremism is hostile to fascism, because fascism denies their Allah and instead exalts crass materialism. Islamic extremism, unlike fascism, is hostile to science and industry, which is also why their armies such as the Taliban are a bunch of pray'n'spray dipsticks armed with 1940's-design AK-47's and RPG's rather than modern weapons. They're an armed mob, not an army, and unlike the disciplined well-armed soldiers of fascist states of the past, they are about as effective against a real army as a boy with a slingshot would be.

In short, the word "islamo-fascist" is utter bunk. Such a person would be a contradiction in terms -- a man who embraced Islam, and also rejected Islam. But what the heck, it gives us such nice images for our propoganda that we'll keep using it! Truth? Who needs truth? We got an election to win!

- Yours in enjoying those images,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Defending the homeland from our nation's enemies is fun! 

I am proud of my colleagues at the Department of Homeland Security, who are defending our nation from that most horrific of terrorists, the most dastardly of villains, that most deadly of fiends: University professors.

Yesterday I told you about how I managed to deal with another of those evil villains (between singing yet another rousing course of Let The Eagle Soar and classifying the periodic table of elements as terrorist information). Our Department of Justice is so eager to protect America from evil criminals that we heartily support our buddy Tom Ridge in his efforts to protect us from those evil intellectuals -- who, as our friend David Horowitz is always reminding us, are always LIBERALS and won't let good Christian biologists who believe the Earth was created only 10,000 years ago with a wave of God's hand join the biology department at their evil Satanic universities! The more of those evil "scholars" that our friend Tom Ridge can keep out, the better!

Yours in hating those evil college egg-heads,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin


Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.