Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Scientists are tools of Satan 

That is why I am proud to announce that my Department of Justice has jailed a scientist for reporting that somebody stole botulism from his lab. Oh sure, I know that botulism is one of the most common organisms in the world, that it's growing in most refrigerators, and that it's useless for bioterrorism. We had to make an example of the man -- he's doing that evil SCIENCE stuff, and must be punished!

Remember, science is evil, because science says that the world wasn't created in 7 days like the Bible says, science is the tool of SATAN! All you need is FAITH, my brothers, FAITH. Turn off your mind, turn off your head, and BELIEEEEEVE!

Yours in Faith,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, August 28, 2004

We will win, you'll see! 

Okay, so the Swift Boat Veterans For The Truth turned out to be neither particularly swift nor particular truthful, and most Americans no longer believe anything they say. But so what? You silly liberals think this is over? No way! Look: We Republicans lie. We lie often and we lie well. We will invent more smears, one after the other, until one catches. This is our revenge out in the flyover states upon our bright children who rejected our values, rejected our home states, went out to the coastal states and made them wealthy and prosperous with those heretical values of "intellectualism" and "tolerance" and "respect for others" while us losers and old people rot in our trailer parks in Middle America. Our hatred is so deep, so full, that there are literally no depths to which we will not descend to destroy everything that makes your heretical coastal states so prosperous, even if it destroys our nation in the process.

You liberals do not see this, and that is why you liberals will lose, and us good Republicans will win. We're simply better at hating than you are. Even that hate-filled Michael Moore is a mere amateur compared to the typical butt-crack-showing Bud-swilling denizan of a Missouri trailer park, who has more hate in her little pinky than Michael Moore has in his entire obese self. We *will* destroy you. And all your whining about those things like "truth" and "fairness"? Hah! You think that if you just explain to us that voting for Kerry will result in more money in our pockets, that'll get us to vote for Kerry? Hah! You don't know hate, mister. Kerry's going to throw a few bones our way if elected, sure. But he'll still be smarter than us, and richer than us, and we'll still hate him and we'll still hate you, and nothing you liberals say or do will ever change that. We will literally vote for Osama bin Laden's chosen candidate, a man dumber than a box of rocks, rather than vote for a man who makes us feel so small and stupid and cowardly by comparison.

Yours in truth,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Proud daddy tries to join son in Heaven 

Carlos Arredondo, the father of a Marine, had just been notified that his son thanks to George W. Bush had got to meet Jesus in person. So of course Mr. Arrendo, bursting with pride and joy, did what any other red-blooded American man would have done: He tried to join his son in Heaven by burning himself alive, just like Thich Quang Duc.

I am proud, proud I say, to know that there are Americans still with such faith in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and His second cousin George W. Bush! And while I am saddened that he decided to take out the Marine's van (silly darkie, don't you know vans don't get to go to heaven to see Jesus!), I am feeling magnanimous today, so we won't charge him with arson. I mean, look, it was just a little religious ferver, okay? No big deal!

Alas, he didn't succeed in joining his son with Jesus. Oh well, he'll eventually get there. In the meantime, I must say that I'm shocked, shocked I say, by the reaction of this man's wife, who said, "This was his scream that his Chi-Chi — that's what he called Alex — this is his scream that his child is dead and the war needs to stop." And the Marine's grandmother says "I blame them [the Bush Administration] a lot. They send them like guinea pigs over there." What the heck?! I don't get it, what's so bad about our Great Leader George W. Bush helping our proud Marines get to Jesus early by sending them to attack a country that never attacked us?! She ought to be bursting with joy that her first-born child, her pride and joy, was chosen by our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, to see Jesus early!

Yours in rejoicing in so many young men seeing Jesus early,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, August 23, 2004

Our Great Leader is a generous man 

Hey, did you know that John Kerry's picture is on the front page of our Great Leader's re-election web site more times than our Great Leader's picture? (four times as of right now, 6-23-2004 PDT, with not a SINGLE picture of our Great Leader). Boy, it sure is generous of Georgie to give John-boy so much advertising on his web site! Meanwhile, John-boy's web site is dull, dull, dull, and has not a single picture of our Great Leader on its front page. Just John-boy droning on about health insurance, deficits, military, economy, jobs, taxes. Dull, dull, dull. Who cares about any of those "issues" stuff? What we care about is some decision Kerry made 20 years ago that he changed his mind about 5 years ago!

Besides, everybody already knows our Great Leader's fine outstanding record on deficit reduction (he be agin' it), jobs (he be agin' them, to the tune of losing a million jobs), taxes (he be agin them for rich people and for them for middle class people), the military (let them eat turkey! and send them into battle without enough body armor and bullets! And cut their VA benefits when they get back home! Yeah!), health insurance (if you can't afford health insurance, why, it's only just and right that you die on the streets), the economy (all is well, the rich are getting richer, what more could you want?!), and terrorism (Osama bin Laden? Who's that?!). Anything our Great Leader put up on his web site about his own policies would be, like, BORING and redundant. That's why he's so graciously agreed to give John F. Kerry so much free advertisement on his own web site!

Yours in amazement at the generosity of our Great Leader,
The Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Them darkies are too scary to let out of jail 

Oh sure, David Joseph is a little guy, about 5-foot-5, maybe 115 pounds. And sure, that nasty Constitution thingy says that no person shall be deprived of liberty except via due process of law, but look, that "due process of law" thing is silly. All it takes is my word to keep that little pickininney in prison as long as I feel like!

Look, everybody knows them darkies were better off as slaves, with us good white massahs to care for them and feed and clothe them and curb their venal impulses. The worst thing that ever happened to America was when Abraham Lincoln stole the property of us good fine upstanding Southern gentlemen and then gave the ignorant porch monkeys the vote. I don't understand why those silly darkies are insisting that I investigate allegations of voter intimidation in Florida. Those darkies shouldn't be voting anyhow! So I say, go ahead, Jeb! Intimidate them darkies all you like, remember, if them darkies vote for John F. Kerry in November, the terrorists are going to invade America and KILL US ALL with their amazing super weapons (the Saladin tanks, Alladin fighters, and Genie bombers) that are better than anything America can build! We must stop those darkies from voting, or they will DESTROY AMERICA!

Yours in defending good white Christian Americans like ourselves from those heathen porch monkeys,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, August 20, 2004

Georgie's summer vacation! 

I know some of you wondered where I have been the rest of this week, but it's a simple explanation: Georgie invited me to his pig farm(1) in Crawford, Texas, for vacation!

The first thing that happened when I got there was that the Secret Service gave me a tour of the place by helicopter:

Notice the pig barn in the foreground. There used to be five of these on the property, but our Great Leader tore down four of them, because he just doesn't have the time to properly wrangle his hogs now that he's Preznit. But hold on, what's that in the paddocks?!

Why, it's Georgie's favorite steeds, ready for the fall pig drive, where the pigs are driven to market! The one on the upper right is Georgie's favorite, "Sparky". You can see him there in his flight suit inspecting it. He loves that golf cart. In fact, he says that once Sparky is plum tuckered out, he's gonna donate Sparky to the Smithsonian to be stuffed and mounted!(2)

Georgie invited me to help with the fall pig drive! Here we are, driving some hogs to market!

Poppy always comes out to direct traffic on these yearly pig drives, to keep the valiant riders from crashing into each other and make sure they're herding the pigs in the conservative direction (to the right, hopefully):

At the end of the day, after all the pigs are settled in for the night, we had a relaxing game of polo(3) on the back lawn of the ranch house:

But our Great Leader is always a caring person. Here he is, sharing some scraps from his supper with one of his favorites pigs, Sweety Pie:

And that was my exciting first day at his Crawford pig farm with our Great Leader! Bet you're jealous, huh?

Yours in vacationing hard,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

(1) Yes, those effete back-east "journalists" persist in calling our Great Leader's pig farm a "ranch". But it's a hog farm, as can be seen in these aerial photos).

(2) Georgie doesn't like horses. He sez it's too easy to fall off. Besides, Sparky just requires plugging in from time to time, whereas horses are a constant mess, and they POOP, y'know!

(3) Yes, I know polo is supposed to be with horses. But horses are scary!

Monday, August 16, 2004

Our Great Leader is a man of the people 

Okay, so our Great Leader was born with a silver spoon in his mouth (soon extracted and used to snort blow), is heir to several family fortunes, and has more money than John F. Kerry (a man born to a low-paid government bureaucrat who never had any money until he married a rich wife) will ever have. But look, he's a man of the people, and John F. Kerry isn't!

Look, it's all about them big words 'n' stuff. Kerry uses, like, these big words, y'know? And he talks, like, that funny school English instead of, like, y'know, regular good ole' boy English, and has never gone to a NASCAR race while our Great Leader has, like, even went to one (1) NASCAR race in his lifetime! Look, sure our Great Leader was born rich and got an Ivy League MBA and spent most of his childhood in the Bush family compound in Kennebunkport Maine and all that, but he's smart enough to know that he's gotta use little words and talk with a Texas accent like regular fellers, while that Kerry uses them big words and long sentences like regular fellers don't understand. So that's why our Great Leader is a man of the people, and John F. Kerry isn't.

And don't forget, our Great Leader got his money like most God-fearing Americans -- he inherited it -- while John F. Kerry married his money like Laura Bush. Marrying wealth turns you into a whore. Well, unless you're Laura Bush, in which case it just turns you into a Republican. So anyhow, who would vote for someone who made their money in such an unpatriotic way -- marrying it -- instead of patriotically choosing to be born to rich parents and inheriting it the way that most good God-fearing Americans did? It'd be like voting for a meal at a 5-star restaurant when you could have a good patriotic McDonald's Happy Meal!

Yours in admiration of a REAL man of the people,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Iraqis aren't really human 

Okay, sure, we've managed to kill thousands of civilians with our bombs in Iraq. But look, it's not as if we're killing PEOPLE. They're, like, IRAQIS. Not human.

Look, unless they have the same values as me, the same skin color, the same socio-economic status, etc., they aren't people. They're the Enemy, and thus it's okay to destroy them. It's like when I was a kid, when the city cops went nigger-knocking every few weeks, riding their horses through coon-town beating the shit out of anybody they saw who had dark skin. That wasn't a violation of those people's human rights because they weren't, like, REALLY people. They were darkies, porch monkeys, niggers, coons, whatever name we felt like calling them, but one thing they were not, in our minds, was PEOPLE.

Now we got ourselves a new Iraqi plantation, and a new group of darkies for us to whup on. Except these darkies aren't just bending over and taking it like our own darkies did for many years, so they're scarey, just like all the darkies that we lock up in jail for pretty much the same reason (because they SCARE us, they're not docile like they used to be). And really, we won't be happy until, as with the American darkies, a majority of the male Iraqi darkies are either in jail, on probation, or otherwise have had their civil rights stripped from them.

Of course, the problem is that, over there in Iraq, the darkies are the majority and we're the minority. So it's not quite working out the way it works out here in America, where we have paramilitary police forces ("SWAT teams", "drug interdiction task forces", etc.) that occasionally go on sweeps and round up all the darkies we want to put away today. And those Iraqi darkies have RPG's while our own darkies only have pistols for the most part. So it's really confusing to us good patriotic American folk. So we resolve that confusion by reminding ourselves that they're just Iraqis, it's not as if they were, like, REAL people, and thus it's okay to slaughter them by the thousands 'cause, like, it's not as if we were killing PEOPLE.

Yours in racial tolerance,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, August 13, 2004

Noted LIE-beral blogger caught in gay pussy porn scandal! 

I must admit that I've been reading too much of Eschaton lately, trying to understand those LIE-berals. It's as if they live in a total bizarro world, where our Great Leader is an AWOL slacker rather than a war hero, John F. Kerry served heroically in Vietnam instead of spending the whole war on his yaught avoiding combat, and Kerry actually has a chance of winning this November (HAH! And cows will fly too!). But now this "Atrios" person who runs Eschaton has gone WAYYYY too far. Not only is he telling lies about our courageous Great Leader, but he's also posting gay porno pussy pictures on his web site.

This outrageous conduct is more than even I expected from these morally corrupt LIE-berals. The children! Oh the children, permemantly scarred by this horrible man! You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Atrios, for corrupting America's youth with your vile perverted pictures!

Yours in outrage,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Truth? Who cares?! 

So I was over on Atrios looking at the postings by all those Democratic traitors, and noticed that they're upset that our Great Leader did not tell the truth about his service in the National Guard. Hahaha! Those people are so pathetic, what with their devotion to the "truth" and stuff. Look. Us good Republicans lie. We lie boldly and we lie often. And guess what -- MOST OF THE PEOPLE BELIEVE OUR LIES! And if you point out our lies to them, they *STILL* believe our lies. Because they have an American education, you see. From the time they were teeny little tots, they were taught that us good adults in authority were the sole providers of Truth, and that if anybody contradicted us, those other people were liars. That's why we don't teach logic and reasoning in schools anymore. If we taught people how to use logic and reasoning to detirmine the truth, why, it'd be just too darned inconvenient for us good Republicans. Can't have that happen!

So those liberals can keep blathering on about how big of liars us good Republicans are. Guess what: NOBODY IS LISTENING BUT THE CHOIR! As long as we keep lying big and bold, nobody will believe you, because we're government officials and you aren't. HAHAHAHA!

Yours in gloating,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Bush's top secret mission to Vietnam 

The LIE-berals whine that Bush lied about his service in the Air National Guard. But now, shocking new evidence has come out about where Bush spent the missing 14 months where he apparently was paid to not show up: Young Lt. Bush was actually on a secret mission to deliver turkee to our brave troops in Vietnam!

Contrast that to John Kerry's war record, where he was given a ton of medals to yaught around on the scenic Mekong river with some of his buddies, getting stoned and listening to that nasty evil "rock" music instead of good Christian tunes such as Blessed Be That City! Surely our Great Leader's valiant war record and outstanding successes in Iraq and with the economy surely warrant his re-selection this fall!

Yours in glorifying our Great Leader,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Menace to society removed from the streets! 

Today I am proud to announce that a dangerous criminal, already once part of a terrorist crime, has once again been arrested and put into his proper place. This dangerous terrorist attacked one of New York's finest and, with an assortment of karate chops and sheer muscle power, threatened the safety of two police officers who had to wrestle him bodily to the ground and then handcuff him and haul him off to the police station. Yes, these feeble 86-year-old newsmen are indeed a menace to America, and must be put in their place or our whole nation is at risk. Imagine what America would be like if every 86 year old terrorist dared question the actions of our fine men in black jackboots and black jackets. Oh the horror! Ve must haff ORDER!

Meanwhile, five terrorists are going free because we outed the arrest of an al Qaeda source for political gain, but look, we all know who the REAL dangers to America are. It isn't the rag-head terrorists, it's the 86 year old reporters like Mike Wallace, that's the REAL danger!

Yours in wanting only orderly conduct from those disgusting terrorist old men,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

We're winning! 

Oh, I know the news seems bleak from Iraq lately, what with the whole country seeming at the edge of rebellion again and Sistani's health failing and Iraq likely to fall into civil war when he dies. But it's not that bad!

We're winning! Our body counts show we've depleted the population of Vietnam several times over, so the V.C. will have no cadre soon! We kill a hundred V.C. for every one of our soldiers killed, there's no way they could have the courage and capability to keep attacking us with those kinds of horrific losses! Oops, wrong war. Let me try this again...

We're winning! Our body counts show we've depleted the population of Sadr supporters several times over, so Sadr will have no cadre soon! We kill a hundred Sadr supporters for every one of our soldiers killed, there's no way they could have the courage and capability to keep attacking us with those kinds of horrific losses!

We won every battle in Vietnam, just like we're winning every battle in Iraq. If you win every battle, you ALWAYS win the war! Boy, I'm glad to know that victory is so certain!

I'm sure the dozen or so American soldiers who went to Jesus in Iraq the last few days will agree. Why, we should worship the Bush Administration for helping so many of our boys and girls in uniform go to heaven early! People say that the Bush Administration misplanned the occupation and caused needless and useless deaths amongst our soldiers with their constant flip-flops ("Let's take Fallujah! Whoops, our soldiers are dying! Let's give Fallujah to the insurgents! Yeah!"), but they don't see the REAL plan -- to help our soldiers get to see Jesus in heaven early! Yeah!

Yours in enjoying victory,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, August 07, 2004

What the BLEEP?! 

Be good, or God-Jesus shalt smite you with his holy cross (right before he burns you with his red laser eyes!). And then Uncle Sam will cut off your chicken supply.

I am... stunned.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Refuting a scandalous rumor 

Andy Borowitz claims that I'm thinking about a partial restoration of the Bill of Rights, but only on alternate days, during posted hours. Lies! All lies! We must racially profile news photographers, force the ACLU and other non-profit organizations to blacklist anybody who protests against our Great Leader so that they can no longer get jobs, and harass random people for two-year-old unsolved terrorist attacks while ignoring citizens who give us tips about suspicious possible terrorism-related activity for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, or else the terrorists have won! Remember: We must destroy freedom before the terrorists can destroy freedom. That is the only way to stop the terrorists from winning.

Yours in anger at libelous DEMON-cratic comics,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Giblets takes on Kerry 

That great Republican hero, Giblets, has now come out with the DEFINITIVE proof that John Kerry is no hero! Says Giblets:

Well Giblets has finally had it up to here with John Kerry and he will not remain silent any longer! As Giblets has noted before, Giblets sorta-served with John Kerry in Vietnam on his very same swift boat - or on some swift boat or looked at a picture of a swift boat or has been to boat shows - and found him to be the most cowardly and traitorous war hero Giblets has ever had the displeasure of pretending to meet! And as one of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth™, Giblets is proud to unselfishly and apolitically offer up talking points deriding his military service and questioning his ability to be president!

What's that, you say? You claim that all records released by Kerry's commanding officers from Vietnam had issued glowing reports? That none of us actually served with Kerry? Silence before Giblets! What are you going to believe, the overwhelming preponderence of evidence or sixty seconds of righteously indignant partisan hackery?

Yours in righteous indignation,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, August 05, 2004

The Rupert Murdoch Award for Courage 

The Rupert Murdoch Award for Courage is a prestigious award, similar to the Rupert Murdoch Award for Accuracy in Media in nature. The proud owner of this year's award is Fox News's Chief Political Correspondent, Carl Cameron.

When FBI investigators threatened Mr. Cameron with jail unless he shopped a source to them, he did what any other hard-bitten reporter would do when the Feds demanded he turn over his source to them: He spilled his guts to the FBI, fingering US Senator Richard Shelby (Republican, Alabama) as his source. His bravery is exemplary of Fox News's excellence in reporting, and has been noted by all of us here in the Bush White House, who are pleased to note that Fox News has learned its lesson and will never again report anything we don't want reported!

Yours in admiring courage,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Mission Accomplished 

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

Today I want to talk about peaceful and democratic Iraq where all views are welcome and freedom reigns.

As a force for peace in the Middle East, Iraq is indeed one of our Great Leader's greatest victories, for which he shall be remembered forever!

Yours in adulation of our Lord's second cousin (George W. Bush),
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Missouri shows America how to hate 

Missouri: the Show-Me Hate State.

I am proud of all those folks in my home state of Missouri who so proudly uphold Jesus's injunction to love thy neighbor as long as he's white, straight, and has the same beliefs as you do. (And everybody else, Jesus says you're free to hate). They show us just what Christianity means in today's America.

Remember, if you haven't accepted our Lord as your personal Lord and Savior, YOU'RE PROBABLY A TERRORIST!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

God told me it was going to happen this week 

Okay, so it turns out that the information used to issue Sunday's terror alert was years old, and critics say that it was all about politics and actually hurt the security of the United States of America. But the critics are wrong!

Sure, the data was years old. But our super-competent FBI, which is so willing to accept responsibility for its failures, looked at the data again and discovered that it was actually a CODE. A BIBLE code! Yes, that's right, it was actually referring to chapter and verses in the Bible! And when I decrypted this Bible code, after much prayer, it says "al Qaeda ... will ... attack ... America ... tomorrow ..." and gave me that exact list of buildings they would attack!

So see, I prayed to God, and God came through. And the terrorists didn't attack, so God must have been on our side, helping us. And if you believe otherwise, you must be a terrorist!

Yours in faith,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, August 02, 2004

Run! Hide! The terrorists are in New York! 

As reported by Minister of Fear Tom Ridge, the terrorists are in New York too! Remain calm. Don't panic. AGH! THE TERRORISTS ARE COMING! AGH!

None of this has anything, of course, to do with trying to distract reporters from their left-wing worship of Kerry/Edwards in the wake of the Democratic National Convention. For true!

Meanwhile, here is the scene in New York City as we speak:

Ah yes, I love the sight machine-gun-toting soldiers on every street corner, asking all who pass for their papers authorizing them to be on that street. It smells like... victory!

Remember, we must destroy freedom to keep terrorists from destroying freedom. Otherwise the terrorists have won.

Yours in celebrating the new American police state,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin

Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.