Saturday, July 31, 2004

Run! Hide! Al Qaeda is in New Mexico! 

Our super-competent FBI, fresh from hiring half the Boston Mafia, now says that al Qaeda is about to wage a spectacular attack in the state of New Mexico. New Mexico governor Bill Richardson, informed of this, was last seen wandering around Albuquerque looking for anything that any terrorist would ever want to attack, much like Diogenese searching with his lantern for an honest man. In other news, the cacti in New Mexico are now on puce alert with shades of magenta, and have been asked to inform the FBI if any of the coyotes wandering the area seem to be a bit dusky with a scent of camel. Your intrepid reporter attempted to interview one of these cacti, a fine fellow with two large arms perched on a rocky hillside, but all questions were ignored as the prickly fellow refused to cooperate with the press.

This has been a news bulletin from All Terror Network, All Terror, All The Time. Remember, if you're not cringing in terror under your bed, shaking in fear of terrorist attacks, the terrorists have won! What's that? There's some terrorist traitor who does not agree with me? Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Your Intrepid Reporter,
Bill O'Really

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Honoring our brave FBI agents 

Last night at Constitution Hall in Philadelphia I honored our brave men and women in the FBI with a public Constitution-burning. I handed out these prizes:

For whistle-blower Sibel Edmonds, a gag order so she can't tell people how badly the FBI's translation department is run.

For the morons in the FBI's anti-terrorism HQ who let the 9/11 hijackers board planes on 9/11 while I was busy reallocating the FBI's resources to fighting that dastardly threat to our nation, PORNOGRAPHY: lots of rewards.

For the kingpins of the Boston Mob, FBI employment.

For terrorists: Well, I haven't used the Patriot Act against you, but I've sure busted a lot of other threats to America: copyright violators, credit card fraudsters, strip club owners, and tons of other folks who threaten America with utter destruction unless we have the Patriot Act to use against them.

As for terrorists: I have a new program, absolutely 100% guaranteed to find them, wherever they are. No U.S. Army Rangers required, no FBI agents required, no nothin'! And here it is:

Yours in rewarding success,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Dastardly LIE-berals reveal superhero's secret identity 

Okay, okay, it's true. I am Spy-der-man, the superhero who is keeping America safe from LIE-berals and terrorists (hold it, I don't need to count them twice!). My life is ruined now, but at least you know the truth. If these dastardly LIE-berals' revelation of my secret identity did not come up automatically (maybe you have a popup stopper enabled?), try here.

Yours in fighting freedom,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

This is what a REAL manly man looks like 

Boy, I love the resolute look on the face of our Great Leader, as he sits there for seven minutes reading My Pet Goat to schoolkids after being told, "Our nation is under attack, Mr. President" on 9/11/2001. That's the look of real intelligence, the look of a resolute man who knows exactly what he's going to do and is detirmined to do it. That expression on the face of our Great Leader, and his actions in those seven minutes, tell us more about his character than all the lies that the DEMON-crats could ever proffer. Arnold Governator ain't calling OUR great leader a girly man, that's for sure! I mean, while that slacker John Kerry was yaughting the Mekong as a young man, our Great Leader was valiantly defending the skies of the gret stet of Texas from the horrible menace of the Mexican Air Force by holding all day beach volleyball parties on the Texas Riviera. Man, it was gruesome! You shoulda seen the sunburn! Talk about the the actions of a REAL man, not like that slacker John Kerry who was just putt-putting around in his yaught in Vietnam and never doing anything near as manly!

Yours in admiration of a real manly man,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

I won an award! 

I'm now officially the most fantastic Attorney General in history!

And in related news, I'm putting a bunch of darkies in jail for giving money to Hamas before Hamas committed its first terrorist act. Look, they shoulda just KNOWN that Hamas was gonna go bad! Oh sure, I know Hamas represented themselves as a charity, but look, they're an ISLAMIC organization! And all of them Islamic darkies are terrorists and, like, just want to kill Americans Israelis! We must protect the borders of Israel from these Satanic hordes, it is our Godly duty to our nation! It's right there in the Constitution, where it says "It's the job of America and Americans to put their blood and gold on the line to protect the state of Israel", and if you don't see it, why, you just haven't been reading *MY* copy of the Constitution.

Of course, I've classified my copy of the Constitution so you can't read it anyhow (nyah nyah!), but trust me, it's there. It's our duty as Americans to defend the borders of Israel.

Yours in obedience to teh Constitution,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, July 26, 2004

A view from Boston 

Democratic Party Values on display: a military policeman observes the internees in the concentration camp ("free speech zone") outside the Boston convention center. But hey, it's no more than I'm going to be doing to protesters in New York City in a few weeks' time. Yeah, I know that the DEMON-crats like to whine that they're better than us good Republicans, but they're not. We're better than the DEMON-crats at everything, whether it's lying to get us into unnecessary wars (compare our Great Leader's lies about Iraqi WMD's with KKKlinton's lies about Kosovo ethnic cleansing!), getting our soldiers sent home to Jesus early, or whatever. And I bet our concentration camp is going to be TWICE as large and TWICE as scary with FOUR TIMES as many rifle-toting soldiers making sure those whiny protesters don't actually get somewhere that someone might, like, actually listen to them!

Yours in smug self-congratulation,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Democrats endorse Republican agenda 

The fine folks at the Daily Kos kicked me out within hours of me posting my first diary over there. I must say that I am pleased and gratified that the DEMON-crats endorse my agenda so complete (i.e., that the only good speech is censored speech). Between their behavior in interning protesters in concentration camps and censoring posters on one of their mouthpiece blogs, the only thing lacking between their agenda and that of God's Own Administration (ours) is a war based on lies, over 10,000 dead civilians turned to pink mist by American bombs, over 900 American soldiers brought to Jesus early, a borrow-and-spend Big Government agenda (theirs is TAX and spend), and of course the fact that they don't have a fine upstanding person like me to be the Attorney General if somehow Kerry becomes President.

As usual, the DEMON-crats are stealing our agenda. Clinton did it, big time, and now Kerry is doing the same. Us good Republicans are still better at lying than the DEMON-crats, and we're still better at helping our brave soldiers go to Jesus, and we're lots better at putting darkies in their place, but if Kerry somehow wins in November I won't consider it a disaster. The Democrats have proven they're good Republicans too, albeit Republicans that have strayed a bit. But don't worry, we'll rope'em back in, just like we roped in Clinton!

Yours in admiring the genius of my fellow Republicans,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Free speech concentration camps 

That great LIE-beral Pat Buchanon keeps insisting that all of America is a free speech zone, and criticizes us good people in the Bush Administration for forcing protesters(*) into razor-wire-lined concentration camps far from where they could be seen or heard. Well, first of all, anybody criticizing our Great Leader is giving aid and comfort to our nation's enemies (remember, our Great Leader IS the nation, so any criticism of him is, like, un-American!), and thus deserves to be in a concentration camp. But, secondly, we don't keep them *LONG* in the concentration camp. Just a few hours. That's not a *REAL* concentration camp, is it?

But I am proud to say that our practice of concentration camps for protesters has now been endorsed by someone who I would never guess supported me and my notions of free speech (i.e., that free speech is only for people who agree with me): The Democratic Party.

Yes, that's right. The Democratic Party is running a concentration camp for protesters. Sweet!

With an endorsement like that, I'd like to challenge any of you DEMON-crats like Pat Buchanon out there to criticize our Administration's handling of these un-American terrorists. I dare you!

Yours in gloating over how the Democrats endorse my agenda,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

(*)Protester: Anybody who disagrees with our Great Leader and his Godly mission: one Party, one State, one God.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

900th American soldier brought to Jesus in Iraq! 

I am proud to announce that the 900th American soldier has been brought to Jesus in Iraq. He is in heaven now, where his hound dogs will never get distemper and his trailer will always be a double-wide and the beer never runs out while he's down fishing at the fishing hole and the fish are always biting and his pickup truck don't rust. He's gone to Jesus and is in a better place, and we should thank our Great Leader, George W. Bush, for his mercy in putting our boys in girls in uniform in a place where they can be brought to Jesus sooner than they usually would. Halleleujah, amen!

And I found a great new gift for Georgie, a new coloring book. I'm getting him some new crayons too, he has just about worn his out scrawling notes to his National Security Advisor like "GIT ME SUM COFEE CONDEE" in those long boring cabinet meetings where folks are talking about memos like "bin Ladin Determined to Strike in US" that are, like, BORE-ing!

And now I'm going to go meet my friend General Kermit to celebrate our glorious victory over the Islamic heathen at Ramadi. But don't worry, I'm sure more of our brave boys and girls in uniform will get the chance to meet Jesus in person soon. Our Great Leader pretty much guarantees it. Says he, of the helpful darkies who are assisting our boys and girls in getting to see Jesus early, "Bring'em on!"

Yours in rejoicing in the mercy of Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Bush-Cheney '04 

The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

I mean, really. Once you've elected our Great Leader as President for Life, why should you ever need to vote again? Only the Bush administration stands between America and national collapse into atheism, socialism, black helicopters, and gay marriage. Remember, a vote for Kerry is a vote for bin Laden!

Yours in supporting George W. Bush as President for Life,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The true meaning of "Freedom of speech" 

Freedom of speech means "freedom to say what our Great Leader wants you to say". That's the American way. As this silly government official who shoulda known better found out when we bounced him from a Bush rally for the crime of a) being a county official, and b) wearing a Kerry t-shirt under his lumberjack shirt. Man, the audacity of the man! Thinking that, as a county official, he had the right to attend an event on county property! What next, I bet some LIE-beral is gonna say he has the right to criticize the War on Terra?! TREASON! Giving and and comfort to our nation's enemies! George W. Bush is *AMERICA*, and criticizing Bush is criticizing *AMERICA*, glory halleujah, AMEN!

Yours in admiration of our Great Leader and His interpretation of the 1st Amendment,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Watch out, Kahleeforneeah legislators! 

The Governator: He's loaded for bear. DEMON-crat bear. He's telling those girly-men DEMON-crats in the Kahleeforneeah legislature to get with the budget program -- or else.

In times like these, we need manly men like The Governator running the show. I'm sure that if those DEMON-crats give him any more problem, they'll find out the hard way: you don't piss off The Governator. 'Cause he has big muscles, and he has big guns, and he has big Hummers, and he knows just how to cut those girlie-men (and girlie-women, like the head of the Senate Finance Committee) down to size.

Yours in admiration of a manly man not afraid to call a girlie-man a girlie-man,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, July 16, 2004

Uppity nigger bitch refuses to know her place 

We made a horrible mistake with that aweful "Voting Rights Act" thing back in 1965. Look, I'm okay with keeping a few token niggers like Condi Rice and Colin Powell around to show the world just how enlightened and tolerant we are. But look, they gotta keep their mouth shut except when massa tells them to, and for God's sake they can't actually tell the truth on the House floor about how we stole the election in Florida in 2000 by programming the machines in her DEMON-cratic nigger district to reject 20,000 valid ballots.

But never fear, the House Republican Leadership knows how to handle uppity nigger bitches that won't keep their mouth shut: pound the gavel, censure them, and have the Capitol Police remove them in handcuffs if they try talking again. That'll teach that nigger bitch to open her mouth! How DARE she tell truth on the House floor? That's, that's.... UN-AMERICAN! And TREASON too! 9/11! 9/11! Saddam Osama Osama Saddam! 9/11!

Remember, this is America, where darkies gotta know their place. They thought they had "equal rights" and let it go to their head, now us good Republicans are teaching them their true place in the world again. And now, our proud U.S. Army is overseas finding more darkies to teach their place. This is indeed a proud time to be an American!

Yours in pride at being American,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Terrorists with WMD found in Seattle! 

The Department of Homeland Security is proud to announce that, along with the Seattle Police Department, they have foiled an attempt by terrorists to destroy the Ballard Locks and an old railroad bridge that spans the ship channel using the most heinous of Weapons of Mass Destruction: a camera.

Look, those "camera" thingies are evil, evil I say! They attack our brave soldiers in Iraq with unwanted publicity (look, we NEED to torture and sexually abuse those Iraqis, all those sand niggers are terrorists and if we don't teach them their place, they'll swim the Atlantic naked, come ashore with knives in their teeth, and slaughter us all in our sleep!). They get our fine policemen in trouble for beating the shit out of niggers who need to be taught their place. If I could, I'd outlaw cameras and make sure nobody ever took a picture again!

Unfortunately, Dear Leader wouldn't let me do it. "Go cheney yourself". I was shocked! I asked Deputy Leader why he said that, and he said "I'm tired of you always talking to the puppet instead of me, Johnny. Talk to me, not the puppet!" So I have to settle back on older rules prohibiting photographing federal property without permission. Bummer.

But never fear, when our Great Leader is re-appointed this November, *then* I'll get my wish -- those evil Weapons of Mass Destruction in the hands of terrorists around the nation are going to get banned, sure 'nuff, or I'm not the Attorney General! In the meantime, feel free to give my office a call at 202-353-1555 and report any of these terrorists you see walking around with Weapons of Mass Destruction, especially the Japanese ones, who are everywhere with those so-called "cameras" (yeah right!) snapping pictures left and right. We must prepare for the Kristallnacht, where all the LIE-berals and other traitors to America (remember -- if you criticize our Dear Leader, you are giving aid and comfort to terrorists and are a traitor!) will be given their much-deserved fate. Every traitor's name you add to the list is one less traitor that will hinder God's Chosen Administration from its God-given task of conquering the world in order to impose democracy at gunpoint!

So CALL! That's 202-353-1555. Report those WMD-camera-toting terrorists! No LIE-beral must escape!

Yours in patriotic ferver,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

This woman needs a good cheneying 

One of our Great Leader's men (or maybe his token woman?) handed the following letter to me, asking me what legal action the Attorney General can take against these traitors to America. Here I dissect the letter and show you just how evil those puling DEMON-crats really are.

Washington, DC – Kerry-Edwards campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill today sent the following letter to Bush Cheney ’04 Campaign Manager Ken Mehlman in response to a letter Mehlman sent yesterday:

*LIE*. The Mehlman never knocks twice. And certainly not on two Johns who probably are driving down the shady block in town looking for whores.

July 13, 2004
Ken Mehlman
Campaign Manager

Dear Ken:

Over the past several months, allies of the President have questioned John Kerry’s patriotism while your staff has criticized his service in Vietnam.

It's fair to criticize Kerry's service in Vietnam! While our Great Leader was defending the free skies of Texas from the mighty Mexican menace for one weekend a month and one week per year, that slacker Kerry was yaughting on the Mekong River. What a slacker!

Republicans and their allies have gone so far as to launch attacks against his wife and your campaign has run $80 million in negative ads that have been called baseless, misleading and unfair by several independent observers.

That's a lie! His wife doesn't bake cookies and act like a proper housewife, so she's a witch! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! And the ads tell the truth. Kerry DID yaught with Kennedy! Only traitors yaughted with Kennedy. Kerry is a traitor and he's going to get the Ghraib as soon as the elections are cancelled in November.

Considering that the President has failed to even come close to keeping his promise to change the tone in Washington, we find your outrage over and paparazzi-like obsession with a fund-raising event to be misplaced. The fact is that the nation has a greater interest in seeing several documents made public relating to the President’s performance in office and personal veracity that the White House has steadfastly refused to release. As such, we will not consider your request until the Bush campaign and White House make public the documents/materials listed below:

● Military records: Any copies of the President’s military records that would actually prove he fulfilled the terms of his military service. For that matter, it would be comforting to the American people if the campaign or the White House could produce more than just a single person to verify that the President was in Alabama when said he was there. Many Americans find it odd that only one person out of an entire squadron can recall seeing Mr. Bush.

The dog ate the cheneying records, okay? Go cheney yourself, you cheneying whore.

● Halliburton: All correspondence between the Defense Department and the White House regarding the no-bid contracts that have gone to the Vice-President’s former company. Some material has already been made public. Why not take a campaign issue off the table by making all of these materials public so the voters can see how Halliburton has benefited from Mr. Cheney serving as Vice-President?

If the terrorists can see how much we're paying Halliburton, then the terorrists have won! 9/11! 9/11! Osama Saddam Osama Saddam! 9/11!

● The Cheney Energy Task Force: For an Administration that claims to hate lawsuits, it’s ironic that the Bush White House is taking up the Courts’ time to keep the fact that Ken Lay and Enron wrote its energy policy in secret behind closed doors. Please release the documents so that the country can learn what lobbyists and special interests wrote the White House energy policy.

If we, God's Appointed Administration, are required to govern in open rather than secretively making agreements to enrich our cronies,then the terrorists have won! 9/11! 9/11! Osama Saddam Osama Saddam! 9/11! Only a traitor would want to see the terorrists win! Off you go to the brig as an enemy combattant, you cheneying whore!

● Medicare Bill: Please release all White House correspondence between the pharmaceutical industry and the Administration regarding the Medicare Bill, which gave billions to some of the President’s biggest donors. In addition, please provide all written materials that directed the Medicare actuary to withhold information from Congress about the actual cost of the bill.

This would give aid and comfort to terrorists, and thus even the REQUEST is treason! 9/11! 9/11! Osama Saddam Osama Saddam! 9/11!

● Prison Abuse Documents: A few weeks ago, the White House released a selected number of documents regarding the White House’s involvement in laying the legal foundation for the interrogation methods that were used in Iraq. Please release the remaining documents.

There is no video of young Iraqi boys being raped in American prisons in Iraq, you cheneying cunt. You're giving aid and comfort to terrorists by criticizing our Great Leader and God's Appointed Administration's actions. 9/11! 9/11! Osama Saddam Osama Saddam! 9/11!

We also wanted to wish you a happy anniversary. As we are sure you and the attorneys representing the President, Vice-President and other White House officials are aware, today marks one year since Administration sources leaked the identity of a covert CIA agent to Bob Novak in an effort to retaliate against a critic of the Administration.

The cheneying bitch deserved it. Her husband is a traitor, who criticized our Great Leader and God's Appointed Administration and thus gave aid and comfort to the enemy. 9/11! 9/11! Osama Saddam Osama Saddam! 9/11!

In light of the fact that the Administration began gutting the laws protecting the nation’s forests yesterday, we hope you will accept the paper on which this letter is written as an anniversary gift. (The one year anniversary is known as the “paper anniversary.”)

I wiped my ass with it and laughed. As soon as we cancel elections, this Mary Cahill witch is going to get the full Ghraib treatment.


Yeah right. (snicker).

Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager

There you have it folks. The Kerry campaign and all their people are traitors to America. They criticize our Great Leader and His chosen administration, and thus give aid and comfort to our nation's enemies. Remember: Dissent is treason. Criticizing our Great Leader and His Appointed Administration is giving aid and comfort to terrorists. 9/11! 9/11! Osama Saddam Osama Saddam! 9/11!

Yours in outrage at these treasonous DEMON-crats,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Save the box turtles and cute puppies from a horrible fate! 

Unless we pass a constitutional amendment outlawing gay marriage, man-on-box-turtle sex will run rampant! Oh the humanity!

And don't forget Rick Santorum's campaign against man-on-dog sex. We *MUST* have a constitutional amendment discriminating against gays, or Lassie will have to walk bow-legged! Why would you want to do that to man's best friend?!

Remember, Texas: where men are men, and box turtles are scared. Pennsylvania: where men are men, and dogs are scared. Us Republicans know all about the dark side of sex. That's why we MUST have the gay discrimination amendment. Do it for the sake of the box turtles and the cute puppies! Oh the horror!

Yours in horror at the abuse of cute animals,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, July 12, 2004

We were right to invade Iraq 

And our Great Leader explains why.

Oh sure, our hand-picked weapons inspector found that Saddam had neither weapons of mass destruction, nor the capacity to make them. But our Great Leader is not swayed by such facts, because he has faith, faith I say! Saddam DID have those weapons, he did, we just have to be-LEEVE and it will be!

Besides, think about the effect on folks like North Korea, who see 3/4ths of the combat brigades of the U.S. Army stuck in Iraq and are thus dissuaded from making trouble. And think of all the Iraqis that we've liberated! Over 10,000 Iraqis liberated from a cruel dictator and sent straight to heaven, where they will never again have to worry about rape chambers and torture chambers for children! Oh sure, there's the little business of them no longer being ALIVE, but what the hey, beggers can't be choosy, can they? Right? Right?!

Yours in faith in our Great Leader,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, July 09, 2004

1000 Coalition soldiers brought to Jesus! 

I am proud to announce that over 1,000 Coalition soldiers have been liberated and brought to Jesus. Thank you, Jesus, and Your second cousin and person representative on Earth, George W. Bush! Now no longer do they have to worry about death, taxes, and whether their hound dogs will get distemper. They've been taken straight to Heaven, together with their pickup trucks, hound dogs, bass boats, and double-wides, and will be sitting at that ole' fishing hole with the buds and an endless six-pack forever and ever, halleleujah, AMEN!

As for those LIE-berals who whine that our Great Leader lied to send our boys and girls into battle, SHAME ON YOU! Don't you know that the Bible says (in Giagafa 10:14) that it's fine and dandy to lie if it's a good cause? And what cause is better than the liberation of our brave boys and girls in uniform from their bodies so that they can spend eternity in heaven?!

Yours in outrage at the pernicity of LIE-beral whiners,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Miracle: Jesus ressurects executed Marine! 

A Marine who was executed on July 4 has been resurrected! By the glory of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and His elected representative on Earth, George W. Bush, U.S. Marine Corporal Wassef Ali Hassoun has miraculously been brought to life and is now safe and sound in Lebanon!

His family wishes to thank each and every one of you for your prayers, which were instrumental in persuading Jesus to ressurect Cpl. Hassoun. In the meantime, I want each and every one of you to think about how much this proves about the power of prayer. Halleleujah!

Yours in glorifying Jesus,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

[Note: For a less snarky report on Cpl Hassoun's disappearance, beheading, and return to life, see this CNN story.]

Help us discriminate against faggots! 

As I said before, the evil Gay Agenda (not to be confused with Gay Apparel) is the biggest threat to America today. Why, if them swishy fellers and butch gals got their way, all boys would grow up to be hairdressers and all girls would grow up to be carpenters! That's just WRONG, a woman's place is in the home, barefoot and pregnant. A woman with a hammer is, like, SATANIC!

General J.C. Christian brings it to my attention that Senator Bill Frist needs your help to pass a Constitutional amendment legalizing discrimination against them faggots. So click on the link, contact your senators, remember, our national moral fiber is at stake! Why, if them homos get equal rights, Jesus might skip over all of America altogether when the Eschaton happens shortly, and you'll be stuck here on Earth with all the sinners during the end days, instead of relaxing up in Heaven with Jesus and the rest of God's chosen!

In other news, Yosef says us Southern boys will get to have our pickup trucks in heaven. YEE-haw! Yessiree, I want to spend eternity with my big Dodge Ram 4x4 with dually wheels and a 457 Magnum engine! Forget all that harp and robes crapola, I want HORSEPOWER when I rise to heaven! And a TRIPLE-WIDE trailer house, not just a double-wide!

Yours dreaming of white trash heaven,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

It's official: Kerry picks VP candidate. 

It's official: Dick Gephardt is going to be John Kerry's Vice Presidential candidate. Go ahead and read the story in my buddy Rupert Murdock's paper, which is fair and balanced and truthful, just like his other big news outlet, Fox News!

This is great news for our Dear Leader! The Democratic Dickey isn't anywhere near as mean as our Dickey, and our Dickey will rip him a new bunghole in the Veep debates, why, the second or third time our Dickey tells their wimpy Dickey go Cheney yourself, he's likely to just curl in a ball and cry like a baby! That wouldn't have b een true if John Kerry had been smart enough to get John Edwards as his Vice President, who, as a trial lawyer, outranks snakes when it comes to villainy and would probably have sank fangs into our Dickey and ripped his throat out (man, those trial lawyers are MEAN! And they smile while they're being mean, too!).

In other news, Bad Commie reminds me to tell you that if you vote for Kerry, he'll raise your taxes to 95%, rape your wife, eat your children, and sodomize your dog. So vote for proven leadership: George W. Bush. Remember, he'll stay the course, just like the captain of the Titanic!

Yours in optimism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, July 04, 2004

What freedom means to me 

On this day, July 4, 2004, Independence Day, I think it is fitting to think about the meaning of freedom. Ah yes, freedom. Our forefathers fought and died in this nation's wars for freedom. They fought and died to give our GI's the freedom to stick glowsticks up the asses of Iraqis, they fought and died so that I can do anything I want with my property as long as I get an environmental impact statement, zoning commission approval, meet site setback requirements, and am going to use it for a purpose that meets with the approval of my busy-body neighbors and does not conflict with any State-enforced deed restrictions (God forbid that I want to move a trailer house to my multi-million-dollar lot in Bevery Hills!). They fought and died so that I have the freedom to own as much property as I want, unless the government wants to take it away in order to build a highway interchange so that rich stockbrokers from the suburbs can get to their offices faster, or unless the government feels like raising my property taxes so high that they end up stealing property out from under me at gunpoint. They fought and died so that I can own as many guns as I want, as long as they are on the official State-approved list and I don't have so many as to constitute an "arsenal". They fought and died so that the government can steal my property from me at any time because somebody trespassed on it and planted a few funny herbs, so that I'm free to travel as long as I have my papers in proper order to present to authority upon demand and you properly present your government-issued internal passport before being allowed to proceed. What freedom means to me is that you're free to do anything that government allows you to do. (And if you want to do something that government doesn't wish to allow you to do, why, you must be a terrorist, and we shall take your land and properties, burn down your home, kill your wife and children,, and put you to work as a slave for Prison Industries).

Yes, freedom is a wonderful thing, and I love it dearly. As long as the people believe they are free, you can do almost anything to them -- steal their land, send their children to foreign lands to kill and be killed, be numbered, sorted, culled, sent to live (and die) on the streets after we've used them up for the profit of the powerful oligarchs who are the true rulers of the land... and the neat thing is just how tightly they hold on to their delusion of being free. All you have to do is allow a few fat fucktards like Michael Moore to remain unjailed, and they're willing to point to his ineffectual ass and say "See? If we weren't free, Michael Moore would be in jail!" Hahahaha! Sheeple are so funny! If I wanted Michael Moore in jail, he would *BE* in jail. All it would take would be one DEA agent dropping one baggy of mary-joo-wanna into his limo and asking "What do we have here? You're under arrest!", and voila! If Michael Moore is out of jail, it's because I want him out of jail -- because he serves me and my agenda better out of jail than he would if I put his fat butt in jail like the treasonous slime deserves. Because as long as we can keep the sheeple grasping their delusions of freedom, that's one more minute that they are willing to put up with a government that long ago ceased representing the People, and now only represents a few wealthy oligarchs with the money and power to buy politicians wholesale.

And that, boys and girls, is what freedom means to me.

Yours in celebrating freedom,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, July 02, 2004

What if we lose? 

Some folks have asked me what would I do if our Great Leader somehow was not re-selected this fall. Well, first of all, it isn't happening. But anyhow, all that would happen would be that my retirement plans would move up four years. See, I've always wanted to run a restaurant, just like I always wanted to be a gospel singer. As we all know, my dreams of being a gospel singer came true. So soon enough it'll be time to make my dream of running a restaurant come true.

I've already printed up the menu. So remember, boys and girls: when I retire from government service, come by the Road Kill Cafe, where "hot off the grill" has more than one meaning.

Yours in salivating in anticipation,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin

Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.