Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Slight delay in the course of history 

For those of you who are wondering what's up with the Attorney General: two train wrecks just hit. Literally. Your Attorney General's inner frenchman is moving, which is guaranteed to make one tired, irritable, and unable to access computers. And your Attorney General's inner frenchman was recently involved in an automobile accident, which adds pain to the equation. Tired, irritable, and in pain does not good blogging make.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Seven minutes no big deal. 

In that fat traitor Michael Moore's new film, Fahrenheit 9/11, he shows an aide whispering into our Great Leader's ear that another plane has just crashed into the other WTC tower. Then he shows our Great Leader sitting. And sitting. And sitting. For seven minutes.

But finally someone gets it: this was our Great Leader's religious duty, to embody stillness in a time of crisis! It was his kingly dignity that was at stake here! As that great patriot Joel Achenbach of the Washington Post explains, "He's both an executive and a symbolic figure. He's the spiritual leader of the nation as well as the head of state. He's monarch and prime minister."

Look, I know that some people think our Great Leader is a President, not a Pope, not a King. But that's not so! When we elected George W. Bush as President, we didn't just elect a President. We elected our Lord and Savior's First Cousin as Spiritual Leader and King of America!

And look, I don't invent excuses out of thin air to excuse the behavior of my Lord and Savior, George W. Bush. It is obvious that He is, like, Godly, and thus cannot make any mistakes. Thus if there's any lies or excuses, they're being told by that fat traitor, Michael Moore! So there!

Yours in admiration of our Great Leader,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Dicky is a robot?! 

I was walking past the checkout at the supermarket today, and noticed that my favorite newspaper had a scoop about our Great Leader's Ventriloquist. Dickie's picture filled most of the front page -- and inside his chest was robot electronics!

It seems that at some point in time, Dickie was replaced with a robot. Hmm, maybe that explains why Dickie keeps repeating that Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden were best buddies and pals and collaborated on 9/11 (despite the 9/11 commission finding no such connection) -- he has a glitch in his tape! And it's stuck in an endless loop, repeating the same old silliness over and over!

Hey, you must admit that it makes sense. I bet the real Dickie is still in his undisclosed location in the bunker underneath his house. I mean, if having a bunch of stunt doubles was fine for Saddam, it'll work for Dickie too, right? Except his stunt double is a robot, with its facial expression stuck in a mix between a sneer and a scowl (what, you didn't think Dickie was photographed with the same expression on his face every time just because photographers hate him, did you?!).

I wonder if Georgie has a robot double too? Maybe that explains his robotic delivery when he makes public speeches? I mean, come on, you don't think the leader of the free world could be THAT dumb, do you? With Osama gunning for our Great Leader and His blessed administration, it only makes sense that what we see at public appearances are robotic stunt doubles, not real people!

Now, what I can't figure out is why they never told ME about this. But I guess it's a case where they figure if I don't know, I can't leak it. And why didn't they offer ME a robotic stunt double? You'd think they don't like their Attorney General! Since I'm, like, best buddies and pals with Georgie (we pray together almost every day!), surely that couldn't be?!

Yours in loving the Weekly World News,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, June 19, 2004

This won't hurt much 

I think my maid is stealing my things. I looked around for my collection of American Gladiator Magazine (filled with manly men in dresses) that was with my collection of gladiator movies, and couldn't find it anywhere. My wife says she didn't get rid of it, so it must have been the maid. And look, I know I used to have more hair on my head, maybe she's spraying my hairbrush with some of those she-hormones to diminish my manliness? My maid is stealing my hair!

So I called up some of my hotshot lawyers at the Office of Legal Council that work under me in the Justice Department, and said to them, "My maid is stealing my hair! What can we legally do to her?"

They asked me, "Do you have any evidence?" and I had to say no. I've never seen her steal the stuff. She's sneaky. But I said to them, "What can we do to get evidence?" They huddled together and talked for a while, and then said, "I know, let's hold her as a "material witness!"

I said to them, "How long can we hold her as a material witness?"

They said, "Forever. But it gets dicey after a few months, the ACLU starts raising a fit and filing those habeas corpus writs and stuff. We can hold her after that, but it's bad politics."

I allowed as how a few months was a good start, but I wanted better than that. So they huddled again and talked for a while longer, then finally came up with a solution.

"Let's declare her an enemy combatant!", they said. "After all, she was executing a terrorist attack using chemical weapons against your hair, right?"

I perked up at that. "And what can we do once she's an enemy combatant? How can we find out what she did with my American Gladiator collection?" So they huddled again.

"The authority of the President in wartime gives him the right to do anything he wants with enemy combatants," they proclaimed. "We can sexually humiliate her, attach electrodes to her genitals, push glow sticks up her anus... it's all there! We can do anything, and nobody can stop us! Bwha ha ha ha ha!"

I am now proud to announce that my maid has been declared an enemy combatant, engaged in chemical weapons attacks against top Bush administration officials, and is being held in military detention on a military ship off the Atlantic coast where none of those pesky "lawyer" people can get to her. I *will* get back my collection of American Gladiator Magazine, no matter how long it takes for her to confess to stealing them! Because she's the only one who could have done it. I know my wife didn't. She loves me, and she knows just how much I love my American Gladiator Magazine and the manly men wearing dresses within. She would never do anything like throw them away. It was the maid. And now she's going to pay the price for her thievery!

Yours in the pursuit of Justice,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Oh the horror! 

Okay, so some of you make fun of me for over my attempts to expose the evil Gay Agenda and their dastardly plot to turn all of us into swishy fellers and manly gals. But look, I have one more data point on just how evil that Gay Agenda really is. It is, literally, evidence that's out of this world.

Now, I was just standing in the grocery store checkout lane, and I happened to look down at a fine upstanding American newspaper, one of the bastions of American liberty, with proud patriots like Ed Anger on staff bringing God's own truth to the heathen hordes. I am talking about, of course, that greatest of American newspapers, the Weekly World News. And on their cover...

Oh the horror!


And you say I'm over-reacting when I say that the evil Gay Agenda will be the death of every red-blooded American? Why, they even have corrupted the ALIENS! What chance does a good God-fearing American boy have against that kind of force, when those horrific Satanic television programs like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy are allowed to corrupt our youth, even corrupting beings advanced far beyond ourselves?

No no, you may make fun of me about the test for faggotry that I commissioned from S.A. Distic, but I swear to you, we MUST put those faggots back into the closet where they belong, or we're doomed, doomed I say! There will never be another red-blooded American boy born anywhere in the USA if the evil Gay Agenda has their way!

Yours in Hysteria over the evils of the Gay Agenda,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, June 14, 2004

Those were IRAQIS in those pictures! 

As reported by CNN prior to the start of the war, Saddam ordered American and UK uniforms to equip the Saddam Fedayeen with in order to frame Americans for atrocities in Iraq. So in the picture to the right, that is NOT an American GI gloating over a prisoner who was tortured to death. That's actually a Saddam supporter! RIBBIT RIBBIT RIBBIT!

I mean, look, who are you going to believe -- a fine upstanding American fighting man like myself (I'm really mean with a clipboard!), or your lying eyes?

Yours in only wanting the truth,
Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Coalition Spokesman, Baghdad, Iraq

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Let's make it so! 

Courtesy of bush-zombiereagan.com, here is the official portrait of the next President of the United States:

BTW, those fools at Bush-Zombiereagan.com, in their attempt to draft Reagan as the VP, appear to be operating under the belief that Reagan's re-animated corpse cannot be President again. That's a silly notion. If my department can write memos that say torture is legal, they can certainly find loopholes big enough to let Reagan's re-animated corpse run for President. For example: is a dead Reagan the same person as live Reagan was? Sure, from the point of view of fulfilling the duties of office - dead is just a bit more asleep, which is how Reagan spent his two terms, after all. But as a person? Oh come on get real! He's DEAD!

So let's all hear it for the new ticket for 2004: Reagan-Bush. Let's party like it's 1980 again! (And hey, it saves on campaign literature too, all we have to do is pull out all the Reagan-Bush literature from 1980, and voila!).

- Yours in respectful admiration of the dead,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The nerve of those faggots! 

After I told them I wasn't gonna let them hold any of their Satanic "Gay Pride" events in MY Justice Department, the Satanic sodomites now say they're gonna do'em anyhow. The nerve of them! I'm gonna fire'em all! You're gonna have to take a sexual purity test to work in the Department of Justice from now on!

I asked my chief deputy, S.A. Distic, to come up with a test for faggotry. He says it's pretty easy. Each male employee will be forced to pull down his pants and shorts, then one of them Chip'n'Dale dancers is gonna get paraded in front of him (I dunno what dancing chipmunks have to do with this, but apparently they're important), and if the male employee's little soldier salutes, he's fired! Of course, I don't have to take that test, 'cause I was, like, appointed by God's Second Cousin (our Great Leader, George W. Bush), but I know my soldier isn't gonna salute at the sight of dancing chipmunks. It's not like a gladiator movie, after all.

S.A. Distic also came out with a test for the female employees, but says that it really isn't necessary. He says just look for any female employee with one of those "mullet" haircuts and fire them.

So soon enough, we'll be ready to re-name the Department of Justice to being the Department of Purity. We're already well on the way. Look, we gotta have our priorities straight. Sure, there's terrorists threatening to kill more Americans, but we both know the real threat to America's health and safety: Porn.

Yours in Moral Purity,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The double-secret "nyah nyah I don't gotta tell you" privilige 

(With thanks to a fellow Southern, South Knox Bubba).

Okay, so those pesky Congressmen have been nagging me about memos I supposedly approved or did not approve that supposedly did nor did not condone torture. But I'm not giving them the memos. I'm the Attorney General, and I don't need to obey no steenkin subpoena laws, and if they don't like it they can just put me in jail! (yeah right, them and what army?). I mean, the law is for little people, not for people like our Great Leader's administration, who are, like, appointed by God himself to lead our nation to the Eschaton, and thus above mere mortal law.

Look, we're at war, war I say! Billions of those heathen darky ragheads are massed on our borders with their ultra-advanced Saladin-2 tanks (better than the M1A2!), Salam fighters (can shoot an F-15 out of the sky before the F-15 can even see it on radar!), Jihad bombers (the size of small cities! Can drop 5,000,000 tons of bombs!), and weapons of mass destruction including nuclear bombs, poison gasses so powerful that one drop could depopulate New York City, and biological weapons where only a single contaminated blanket thrown over our borders could cause all of us to turn blue and explode into rancid pools of blood and gore. And all they're waiting for before destroying us utterly is for one sign of weakness, one sign that we won't torture, rape, maim, and kill innocent civilians in order to win this war. If we don't allow torture, they'll kill us all! Oh, the children! Think of the children!

Yours in Trembling in Fear before the Menace of the Islamic Hordes,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Our Great Leader will not run for President again 

No, it's got nothing to do with that Abu Grahib prison thingy where our soldiers gave them uppity sand niggers what they deserved. And it's got nothing to do with most of Vice President Dickey's staff about to be put in jail for illegally outing a CIA agent (including the all-important guy who operates the strings that move our Great Leader's mouth while Dickey does his ventriloquist act with Georgie). Rather, it's all about one thing, and one thing only:

We want Saint Ronald Reagan to be President again, so our Great Leader will step aside and run as Vice President so that Saint Ronnie can run for President on the Reagan-Bush ticket again in November.

Okay, so Saint Ronnie is dead. So? Do you see anything in the Constitution that says that a President has to be alive? Oh sure, there's that incapacitation thing, but really, get with it -- this is the modern world, the President is just a sock puppet for the Party elites anyhow. I mean, Dickey's staffers can operate Saint Ronald Reagan's mouth parts while Dickey throws his voice just as easily as they do with Georgie. And it's not like Saint Ronnie spent much of his Presidency awake anyhow... he'd occasionally rouse from his slumber, release a loud fart and a few vague oracular sayings that nobody could ever figure out, and everybody would bow their heads in worship of Saint Ronnie's holy flatulence and then hip hip hooray go out and do whatever they thought Saint Ronnie told them to do, whether it was selling arms to both Iran and Iraq at the same time (hey, look, arming BOTH sides is profitable!), illegally funneling money to crack-smuggling right wing goons, patting Honduran generals on the back as they pushed Commie nuns out of helicopters hovering over the ocean, invading tiny islands full of French and Cuban contractors for daring to hire French and Cuban contractors rather than fine upstanding American companies like Bechtel, or whatever. And when anybody tried to pin it on Saint Ronnie, why, he really could say in all truth, "I don't recall"!

And look, now that he's actually dead rather than just slumbering, why, he'd have even more deniability!

Now, some folks mention that the Constitution prohibits a third term in office. But really, Saint Ronnie is *DEAD*. Is he really the same person that he was when he was alive? Just as it's easy for me to write legal memos proving that it's okay to torture people as long as the President says it's okay, it's just as easy for me to write legal memos proving that a dead Saint Ronnie is a different person from an alive Saint Ronnie and thus it's okay to elect him. And look, you really think the black crows called the Supremes are going to rule against me? (What a ludicrous notion, hahahaha!).

So it's time to send Saint Ronnie's benighted corpse to the taxidermist to have it stuffed and mounted, round up Dickey's favorite puppeteers, get Dickie to practice a smoother voice, and hit the road. Forget Weekend at Bernie's -- it's now Morning in Saint Ronnie's America again! Way to go, Gipper! Win one for the good guys in November!

Yours in prayerful respect of the dead,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, June 07, 2004

Democracy is un-American 

Amongst all those saying good things about Saint Ronald Reagan were John Kerry and Edward Kennedy. Shame on them! They voted against Saint Reagan's agenda, how DARE they! They are evil and un-American for voting the way that their constituents in the liberal state of Massachusetts wanted them to vote. Don't they know that a true leader tells the voters what to do, and not the other way around?

Our Great Leader doesn't make that mistake. He knows that a true leader must tell the people what to do, not the other way around. Only LIE-berals think that a politician is supposed to vote the way most of his constituents want. What a ludicrous notion, that politicians should vote against the shared agenda of our Great Leader and Saint Reagan just because that's what their constituents want. Why, that's... that's... UN-AMERICAN!

Why do Edward Kennedy and John F. Kerry hate America? Don't they know that democracy is as un-American as those snails and frogs and stuff that those Frenchies eat? A leader's job is to tell the voters what to do, what is it about "We're from the government, we're here to kill your women and children and burn down your house" that these traitors to America don't understand?!

Yours in authoritarianism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Art is threat to America! 

Look, the only literature that is necessary is the Bible, and that "art" stuff merely distracts people from God's word. So it's evil. So it's only right that we are about to throw an art professor in the slammer for having unapproved art materials in his house.

Look: if we let artists use any materials they want in their art, the way that pesky Constitution thing says in the 1st Amendment, well, the terrorists have won!

And while I'm at it, I've heard that there's these people called "defense lawyers" who argue against me throwing anybody in jail that I feel like jailing. I don't like that. So here's a clear warning: any defense attorney who crosses me by actually DEFENDING someone I want in jail will themself be thrown in jail. Remember: effective defense of anybody I say is a terrorist is a CRIME. We must make burn the Constitution, else the terrorists have won.

Yours in cringing before terrorists,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

At last! 

Someone FINALLY tells the truth about how the war on freedom is for freedom! I've been trying and trying to explain it to the twits and nerds who inhabit the Internet and they just do not understand, but thanks to the wit and wisdom of Medium Lobster and the crew at the Fafblog, we are now enlightened!

Yours in Warring on Freedom for Freedom,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

We don't need bullets to defeat the heathen 

Some traitors say that the U.S. Army running out of bullets means disaster if the conflict in Iraq keeps on. Nonsense! Utter defeatest nonsense! Our men and women in uniform are the best trained in the world, and if they run out of bullets, they'll kill all the heathen rag-heads with ROCKS! And if they run out of ROCKS, they're rough and tough and they'll just walk up to all the heathen rag-heads and TEAR THEM APART WITH THEIR BARE HANDS! [RIBBIT!] Do not listen to the [CROAK!CROAK!CROAK!] of the BULL frogs who run the news-liars, our men and women are the best equipped in the world, even if they do NOT have bullets, and if all else fails they'll take pieces of their million-dollar tanks and use those to whack those naughter Iraqis over the head! [RIBBIT!RIBBIT!RIBBIT!]

Sorry, gotta go. Saddam's palace has a great pool. Ruling Iraq from Saddam's palace makes me feel... imperial. And besides, webbed feet love water! [RIBBIT!]

-- Brigadier General Mark Kermit, Coalition Spokesman, Baghdad, Iraq

The right way to hold an umbrella 

Our Great Leader shows us the right way to hold an umbrella.

Amazing. It appears that I've been holding an umbrella the wrong way (like the man on the left) when I *really* should have been holding it like our Great Leader, who is truly a wise sage.

Yours in wonderment,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

We must keep him in jail forever, or we all die 

Now, folks wonder why I want to keep Jose Padillo in jail forever without a trial. Well, that's obvious. I mean, if we give him a trial, he will personally kill each and every American.

Look, I know that the Constitution says that he has to get a trial. But that "law" stuff doesn't apply if it's inconvenient. The only laws that apply are the ones that I like. Any other laws are, well, inconvenient, and it's fine to ignore them. This whole "rule of law" thing is overrated, I mean, c'mon, why should we let the law prevent us from doing whatever we in the proud Bush administration think is right?

No no, there's only way to go: ignore the law. Just like our buddy Papa Joe did back in 1922. It's the only way to keep this vile and heinous person from slaughtering each and every American. Think of the children! We must do it for the children!

Yours in holy terror,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin

Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.