Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Civic Pride in Iraq's Capital 

White House's Iraq Fact of the Day for March 30, 2004

Civic Pride in Iraq's Capital

The CPA, responding to a Baghdad City Council request, is allocating $10 million to brighten the city's public parks, squares and playgrounds. The funding will provide lighting in the capital's outdoor public places, new murals, sculptures, and landscaping. Revitalization of Baghdad's public areas shows civic pride and is another example of the Iraqis' faith in their future.

Source: Coalition Provisional Authority, Baghdad
An Iraqi boy admires new sculpture in park

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Why can't those terrorists speak English like real people? 

For two years now the Justice Department has done nothing to hire enough translators for the FBI's anti-terrorism bureau. Now we're receiving criticism that too many terrorist communications are going untranslated. In response to this, I am proud to announce a new anti-terrorism program that will strike at the heart of this problem: Teaching English to terrorists.

Look, the whole problem isn't that we don't have enough translators. The problem is that not enough terrorists speak English! If the terrorists spoke English, there wouldn't be a problem. So, just as invading Iraq was the right way to attack al Qaeda in Afghanistan, teaching English to terrorists is the right way to solve the problem of not enough translators.

Starting immediately, the Department of Homeland Security, in coordination with the Department of Justice, is deploying 50,000 English teachers to Saudi Arabia, Egypt, and Yemen (the three nations from which al Qaeda draws the most terrorists) to teach each and every one of their citizens fluent English. We are confident that within a short period of time, each and every terrorist communication will be in fluent (if slightly Arabic-accented) English, thus permenantly solving our translator shortage crisis.

Yours in devising real solutions to real problems,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, March 29, 2004

Exercise guru dispatched to Afghanistan to capture bin Laden 

He's vicious, mean, and going for blood. First there was the cage fighter, victim of this macho hunk of muscle and testosterone. Now the U.S. Army has taken notice, and is dispatching Richard Simmons to Afghanistan as part of the Very Special Forces with the goal of capturing Osama bin Laden.

Mr. Simmons was ecstatic about the chance to serve his country. "Mr. bin Laden is a bad manth," he lisped. "When I get ahold of him, he's REALLY gonna be sweatin' to the oldies!" Mr. Simmons described the gruesome torture he had in store for bin Laden once found, including bitch-slapping, bad-mouthing, and forcing him to watch every Richard Simmons video over and over again for weeks at a time with eyelids propped open with toothpicks. "He will be BEGGING for mercy after thith!" cackled the ruthless exercise tycoon as he prepared to board the Short Plane with the Very Special Forces.

When contacted by the press about why Mr. Simmons had been drafted into this battle, General Clayton Feetinmouth said, "Look, we've had the Special Forces looking for bin Laden for two years now. We even financed a milk carton campaign. It was obviously time to pull in the experts." He paused. "Besides, Mr. Simmons is just so manly!"

Mr. Simmons, dressed in a silky, light green leotard accented with flowers at the neckline, merely smiled and boarded the Short Plane.

Yours in admiring a real manly man,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The consequences of gay marriage 

Gay marriage is already causing hitherto conservative, religious grandmas to give handjobs to parakeets. When will LIE-berals just come out and admit what we good Christians already know, which is that homosexuality is a vile perversion that is corrupting America and caused God to let 9/11 happen?

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Martha Stewart sentenced 

We at the U.S. Department of Love (formerly called the "Department of Justice", but that's so harsh!) are pleased to announce that Martha Stewart has been sentenced. She will serve for one year as Proconsul of the Imperial Province of Iraq.

This is actually the fulfillment of a long-term plan previously reported by Pesky the Rat. Ms. Stewart was unwilling to fulfill that plan back in May, thus requiring us to prosecute her for stock trading irregularities, but in interviews today stated that she was happy to be going to Iraq rather than to jail.

Ms. Stewart says that Iraq needs a makeover, and she is the one to do it. "Mortar shell casings make great flower vases!" she exclaimed, as she wandered the streets of Baghdad color-coordinating hijabs with curtains, replacing the drab browns of Baghdad's ruins with tasteful pastels punctuated by flower arrangements made from AK-47 cleaning rods, mortar shell casing flower vases and old Saddam dinars, and making plans for converting Baghdad into a carbon copy of The Hamptons.

In other news, the Iraqi guerillas who have been fighting the occupation government of F. Paul Bremer today laid down their arms and announced a cease-fire for the duration of Martha's proconsulship. Said one, "My wife would kill me if I fired a shot at Martha!" Another complained, "I don't have anything to wear that is color-coordinated with an AK-47! I'd feel embarrassed to go out on the street with an AK-47 while Martha is in town."

Iraq's women, for the most part, appear to welcome the opportunity to have Martha Stewart as proconsul. "She'll make sure the power is on every day," one explained. "After all, how can Martha sell us toaster cozies if there's no power to run toasters?!"

Yours in Justice,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, March 27, 2004

We did not lie about WMD in Iraq! 

Look, those LIE-berals are saying that us good Republicans in the Bush administration lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. They say "If there was weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, where are they?!"

Don't they see? The very fact that they're ASKING that question is proof that we really DID think there was WMD in Iraq! Because if we'd been lying, we'd have made SURE that the weapons were found!

Instead, our hand-picked weapons inspector, David Kaye, spent MONTHS traipsing all around the countryside looking for weapons of mass destruction. I mean, he checked every factory, every dump, every junkyard, every restaurant, every house, under every doormat even! And found nothing. NOTHING. Now, if we'd thought he'd find nothing, do you think we would have sent him out there? No way, we would have made sure that those weapons were found the moment the bombs stopped falling back in April of last year, no matter how many CIA agents it took to plant'em!

So why did we think there was WMD in Iraq? Well, see, there's this Chalabi dude, and he told us. And he seemed like a really great guy and all, despite being a convicted con man in Jordan and all that. He told us all about those weapons of mass destruction. But he lied to us! How could someone who seemed such a stand-up guy lie to us? That's not right!

But we're forgiving people. That's why we continue to pay Chalabi. We're sure that the NEXT load of intelligence he gives us will be truthful. I mean, he even TOLD us so, and surely he wouldn't lie!

So see, it's not our fault. We're not evil, we're not liars, we're just embarrassing. Err, embarrassed.

Yours in embarrassment,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, March 26, 2004

$1.4 billion for new prisons to make country safer 

I am pleased to announce that Parsons Delaware Inc. has been awarded contracts for $1.4 billion to build new prisons. In Iraq.

Now, some of those LIE-berals are saying "Why are we spending all this money on Iraq when our own border security is being cut? Well, see, they just don't understand priorities!

Look, there's nothing more important than making Iraq safe for Halliburton. Only with multi-billion dollar contracts to Vice President Halliburton's company can America be made safe for blacklisting tens of thousands of Americans as "terrorists" without any safeguards. Which, of course, is the most important task of all in the War on Terror. I mean, if we don't know who those 74 year old activist nuns are, how can we stop them from destroying America?!

So remember, boys and girls: our Great Leader loves you, and is doing everything possible to make our ports safer. Which means building prisons in Iraq. Because if we don't build prisons in Iraq, the terrorists will kill each and every American with their vast powers of evil biology and evil chemistry!

Yours in fighting terrorism,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Pledge of Allegiance 

I pledge a legions to the flag
of the united skates of America
and the republic four witches stand
one nation, under God, invisible, with libber tea and Justin is four all.

Ever since I recited the pledge as an elementary school child, it's sent a shiver up my spine. What legions are we talking about, Julius Caesar's, or some other emperor's? What are united skates, and why do they have a flag, and can Daddy buy me a pair of those? Why are those four witches standing? Why is the nation under God, is this akin to Mrs. McTwitter the Baby Sitter where God is this big heavy load pressing down on the whole country? Why is the nation invisible, and is that some sort of metaphysical statement upon the nature of national boundaries and the modern nation-state? And what is this "libber tea"? And why is it important that Justin is four years old?

These are the mysteries that informed my youth and led to my long journey from the tar-paper shacks of Missouri to the University of Chicago law school, and, eventually, here to Washington D.C. And that is why Michael Newdown is wrong when he argues in front of the Supreme Court that school children should not be forced to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.

Look, American schools are, well, to put it bluntly, lousy. There's not much there to challenge children, or embroil their minds in imagination and mystery. By taking the Pledge of Allegiance away from them, we're destroying one of the last vestiges of a by-gone era where every school children was mystified by these strange words they were required to mouth every morning, wondering why those witches were standing and libber tea was available for all. Without the pledge, the terrorists have won -- there is nothing left of our educational system, then, but a lot of kids learning those LIE-beral subjects of evil chemistry and evil biology and straying forever from the mystery that is God and life.

So pray for our nation tonight, my friends and neighbors. Pray that the brave and valiant souls on the Supreme Court shall rule for the schoolchildren, and for God. Our nation depends on it.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

More of Karlie's fine tips for dealing with LIE-berals 

Hiya, your Attorney General here again.

Now, we are God's administration, and we MUST win this fall or, like, America is doomed, doomed I say! The terrorists will slaughter each and every one of us in our sleep if that Commie LIE-beral Kerry wins. And the gay agenda will convert each and every one of us to swishy fellers and butch gals, I mean, they even got to the Governator over there in California, it will be the end of America!

Because of this, anything necessary to win is fair and ethical. So here is some of Karly's tips for how to deal with LIE-berals:

First, don't worry about telling lies. Look, LIE-berals do nothing but tell lies anyhow (remember: Anything that criticizes our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, is by definition a lie, since our Great Leader is, like, the 4th member of the Holy Trinity and thus, like, perfect, y'know?), so it's only fair and ethical that we give them back some of the same.

Second, tell LOTS of lies. Ten is a good number. That'll keep the LIE-beral busy all day looking for "facts" to counter your lies with. That little post yesterday is a perfect case in point. Karly handed me ten lies and asked me to pretend to be a LIE-beral and find "facts" to counter them. It took me HOURS! And remember, if a LIE-beral is busily churnking away trying to debunk your lies, he's not pointing out nasty little facts like how Iraq is now safe for terrorism, the massive deficit, the various corrupt things that Vice President Halliburton's company is doing in Iraq, or whatever.

Third, don't worry about whatever lies the LIE-beral himself is telling. Look, we know they're lies, because we have faith in our Lord and Savior, George W. Bush, and His disciples on Earth, the Bush Administration. Anything by definition said by a LIE-beral that is in any way critical of our Lord is evil and satanic and a lie. Only His word is true. As true believers, we know this, and it's not worth trying to debunk the LIE-beral's lies. Instead, attack the LIE-beral. Make sure you call him unpatriotic. A traitor. And, of course, a liar.

There we are, a three step program to eliminate the LIE-beral menace! Remember, boys and girls: This is war. Those LIE-berals want to wipe us good God-fearing Americans off the face of this planet. Anything is fair in war -- ANYTHING. So lie, threaten, do anything necessary. We *MUST* win against these LIE-berals, or they'll destroy us with their un-American values of "diversity", "tolerance", and "valuing intelligence"!

Yours in Girding for Battle,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Today's Talking Points for the Faithful 

To assist you in maintaining your faith in the face of rabid LIE-berals throwing lies (facts unapproved by the Ministry of Truth) at you, Karlie has helpfully given me this list of talking points to help you.

10 questions for Clark and any other Demoncrats:

Question number 1: Mr. Clarke, the first time the Sudanese government offered bin Laden to the United States, exactly what advice did you give Bill Clinton?
[Note: I know the DEMON-crats will say that Sudan never offered bin Laden to the United States but merely offered to expel him or send him to Saudi Arabia or Egypt, but look, we know that it's so, have faith, brother, have faith!]

Question number 2: Mr. Clarke, the second time the Sudanese government offered bin Laden to the United States, exactly what advice did you give Bill Clinton? [Note: I know the DEMON-crats will say that Sudan never offered bin Laden to the United States a second time (he'd already gone to Afghanistan by then, after all!), but have faith, brother! have faith!]

Question number 3: Mr. Clarke, the third time the Sudanese government offered bin Laden to the United States, exactly what advice did you give Bill Clinton? [Note: Of course if they didn't offer him a second time, they didn't offer him a third time either, but have faith, brother, have faith! Relieve your mind of that silly "logic" stuff, and BELIEVE!)].

Question number 4: When Al-Qaeda attacked our barracks in Saudi Arabia, Mr. Clarke, what exactly advice did you give Clinton for striking back at them? [Note: Four Saudis were beheaded by the Saudi government for planning the attack shortly after the bombing. 21 Saudis were indicted by a New York grand jury in June 2001. So far the Bush Administration has made no attempt to get the Saudi government to extradict these criminals to America. They still remain in Saudi Arabia, safe from American justice. But it's all Clinton's fault! Believe, oh faithful, believe! Have faith, and anything seems credible!]

Question number 5: Mr. Clarke, when Al-Qaeda attacked the World Trade Center in 1993, what advice did you give Clinton for striking back at them? [Note: The perpetrators of the 1993 WTC attack were arrested, tried, and convicted. There's no evidence that al Qaeda was behind the WTC bombing in 1993, and the perpetrators were swiftly indicted and punished, but if you have faith, who needs evidence?!]

Question number 6: Mr. Clarke, when Al-Qaeda attacked the USS Cole in 2000, what advice did you give President Clinton for striking back at them? [According to Mr. Clarke's book, he advised Clinton to invade Afghanistan to get Osama and created a plan, but by the time the plan was finished in December 2000, George W. Bush had won and Clinton instead handed the plan to the Bush administration, which promptly ignored it until September 12, 2001... but that's lies, all lies! Have faith, bretheren, faith! Our Savior would never have left us unprotected like that!]

Question number 7: Mr. Clarke, when Al-Qaeda attacked the two U.S. embassies in North Africa, weren't you one of the experts who advised Clinton to bomb the pharmaceutical factory in Sudan? [Yes he was! The man is a rabid attack dog who slavers at the leash when it comes to killing Arabs! And, uhm, he's also a wimp Democratic Reagan appointee who resigned the day Bush invaded Iraq 'cause he, like, doesn't killing Arabs uhm, ah, but, but... look, forget that logic stuff, have faith, brethren, faith! BeLEEEVE! Put those niggling doubts aside and drink of the Holy Koolaid!]

Question number 8: Mr. Clarke, when Clinton was slashing the defense budget in the face of these Al-Qaeda attacks, did you advise him against it? [Nope. He wasn't in the Defense Department. He did advise Clinton to increase the anti-terrorism budget -- which Clinton did, increasing it to the highest of any President. I promptly cut it by 2/3rds, 'cause we know how the terrorists are, right? Right?! Who needs anti-terrorism funds when we got the 4ID! But Donnie won't let me use the 4ID, and Georgie won't tell him to share, it's not my fault, it's all Clinton's fault!]

Question number 9: Mr. Clarke, when Clinton undermined the CIA in the face of all these takers, did you advise him against doing that? [Hey, Clinton actually expanded CIA anti-terrorism funding, but look, let's not bother ourselves with facts, have faith, FAITH my brother! Drink of the Holy Koolaid and beLEEEVE!]

Question number 10: Mr. Clarke, isn't it true that you and your colleagues in the Clinton administration generally were complete and miserable failures in defending this nation for eight years, and isn't it a little weak of you to now come forward and say that what Bush didn't do in the first nine months of his term, is pathetic? [ Yesirree, a few dozen Americans killed via foreign terrorism during the Clinton administration, vs. thousands killed during the Bush administration, it's clear that we in the Bush administration have done a MUCH better job than Clinton of attacking foreign terror! All you must do is accept George W. Bush as your Personal Lord and Savior, leave all those niggling doubts behind, and accept His word as the Truth and the only Truth and all other's words as lies presented by the nattering nabobs of negatism in the LIE-beral media, and you, too, can have the peace and bliss that comes with not having to think! Have FAITH, brethren, FAITH!]

Look, forget about it. Just accept Karl's talking points, forget all those LIE-beral lies, have faith, brethren, relieve your minds of the burdens of trying to decide whether facts are credible or not, just BELIEVE! Come to the peace that is the ever-lasting love of your Lord and Savior, George W. Bush! Remember, the only truth is His truth, and everything else is a lie, no need for that "thinking" stuff that makes your head hurt. Gosh, doesn't that just make you feel peaceful and joyous just thinking about it?

Yours in Faith,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, March 22, 2004

You must have faith!  

There are many of you, true believers all, who have been disturbed by the evil machinations of the satanic Richard Clarke and that lying interview he gave to 60 Minutes. Look, he's just a disgruntled former Reagan Administration official, obviously a partisan hack. You can ignore him, just like you can ignore that Paul O'Neal, obviously a disgruntled former Nixon administration official and thus not trustworthy.

Look, you must put aside those niggling doubts, get rid of that irritating "logic" stuff, and have faith, faith I say! Believe! Accept our Great Leader George W. Bush as your personal Lord and Savior, and bask in the peace of the true believer! Have faith, my friend, faith, and all those doubts will go away and you will live in peace and joy knowing that you bask in the love of your Savior, George W. Bush. All those "facts" that say otherwise are just Satan's nattering nabobs of negativism, and when you hear them, just put your hands over your ears and pray to our Savior for forgiveness for ever doubting his word. Remember, the only truth is His word, and every word He or His disciples is true, no matter how far-fetched it may sound at first glance. Everything else is Satan's lies. Once you accept our Lord, once you drink of the holy Koolaid, your mind will be at peace, never again bothered by those niggling "thought" things that are only a hinderence to your faith. I love our Great Leader. He is wise and powerful and He and his Disciples are wise and never wrong. Hallaleujah, praise George W. Bush, Amen!

Yours in peaceful bliss,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

If you don't let the terrorists tell you how to vote, the terrorists have won 

Look, what matters this November is not which candidate is going to be best for the economy, or for the military, or for the working people of America. No no, there's only one issue that counts this November: Who do the terrorists want to be President?

I mean, you LIE-berals keep bringing up these "issues". Who cares about issues? And then the polsters talk about various demographic groups' opinions. Who cares what black people think about Kerry or Bush? Who cares what Hispanic people think about Kerry or Bush? No no, there's only one group of people whose opinions count: the terrorists.

So remember, boys and girls. Vote against the candidate the terrorists want. And the terrorists want John Kerry to win, because Bush has been so effective at finding bin Laden and making Iraq safe for terrorism, not to mention his winning personality that has allies swarming to our assistance by the dozens.

Remember, if you vote for John Kerry, you're voting for who the terrorists want to be President! If you don't let the terrorists dictate how you vote, the terrorists have won!

Yours in cringing in fear of terrorists,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, March 19, 2004

Look! Over there! It's a gay terrorist! 

I think it's time here to recap our Administration's accomplishments. First, we're, ah, losing jobs slower now than we were last year. That's good, isn't it? Hey, if you re-elect our Great Leader, we might even GAIN a job or two, right? Next, uhm, we've brought freedom from unions to Iraq. And don't forget mission accomplished in Iraq and our glorious victory in Afghanistan... and... uhm, vote for our Great Leader because, ah, uhm, ah, uhm... oh look! There behind the tree! It's Osama bin Kerry! And a gay terrorist! Quick, re-elect our Great Leader or the gay terrorists have won!

Yours in loyalty,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Spare the rod and spoil the child 

Your AG grasps the Rod of Correction
I today applaud the decision of the San Joaquin Prosecutor's Office to drop charges against two youth corrections officers who, on videotape, beat the crap out of a couple of insolent brats. As the Attorney General of the Untied States of America, appointed by God (via His angels on Earth, the Supreme Court), it is gratifying to see that the California Youth Authority embraces God's law to spare the rod and spoil the child.

I am gratified that both the San Joaquin Prosecutor's office and NAMBLA both agree with all good Christians that the rod of correction should be often used with children. There's some slight differences of course, such as the length of the rod used -- the Prosecutor's office prefers 18 inch rods (blackjacks), NAMBLA prefers 6 inch rods (when they're exaggerating), while Christians tend to believe that you need big honking rods (36 inches is great!), but what's a few little differences amongst people who all agree?

May the Lord help us in this very important task and may we have the strength to trust in His ways and lean not on our own understanding. May we, by His grace, turn away from the world's foolish methods and beliefs, and instead turn to and fully embrace the Lord and His ways as found in His Word, for all the answers. To do anything less is to hate our children (Prov. 13:24).

Yours in embracing God's Will,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Our Great Leader is not a crook 

Truly. Anybody who says that is just engaging in negative campaigning, like that traitor LIE-beral terrorist-lover John Kerry. Thankfully you have good Christian people like me and our Great Leader, who would NEVER resort to lying or calling a much-decorated Vietnam veteran a coward and anti-American. So remember, vote for real POSITIVE leadership this November. Vote for BUSH, not for that cowardly LIE-beral terrorist-lover John Kerry! Remember, a vote for John Kerry is a vote for al Qaeda!

Yours in Truth,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

I love the smell of napalm in the morning 

Now, I was walking down the hallway after talking to our Great Leader (it was a great conversation, you could even barely see Karlie Rove's lips moving!), and who do I see coming towards me but Donnie Rumsfeld? He looked a bit upset, so I asked him, "Donnie, what's the problem?" and he said "Those damned Iraqi ragheads melted down six more of my tin soldiers last night, I need to get Georgie to buy me some more."

So I said to him, "Donnie, what we need is some napalm. Yessirree, I betcha if you turned a bunch of Iraqi women and children into crispy critters every time one of these ragheads killed one of our men, you'd scare them ragheads into not attacking us the same way we scared them pajama-dudes in Vietnam into not attacking us when we won the Vietnam war!"

Donnie looked thoughtful, and said "I'll think about it." We'll see!

Meanwhile, here's a cheery poem for you, from my days serving in college during the Vietnam War:

Napalm Sticks to Kids

A-10 A-10 flying high
drop that napalm from the sky.
See those kids by the river
drop some napalm watch them quiver.
Napalm (emphasize napalm) sticks to kids!
Napalm sticks to kids!
See those kids by the lake
drop some napalm watch them bake.
Napalm (emphasize napalm) sticks to kids!
Napalm sticks to kids!
See those kids beside the hut
shove some napalm up their butt!
Napalm (emphasize napalm) sticks to kids!
Napalm sticks to kids!

Yessirree, those were the days, when men were men and kids were crispy critters! I'm glad that our Great Leader is bringing those days back to this Great Nation. I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like... VICTORY!

Yours in Moral Certitude,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Vietnam-era marching cadence courtesy of The Cadence Page.

Monday, March 15, 2004

It's time to jail supporters of gay "marriage" 

My hero of the day: The right Rev. District Attorney Donald Williams of the Ulster County (NY) District Attorney's office , who filed criminal charges against two "clergy" who dared unite two gay couples in unHoly matrimony. Way to go, Brother Williams!

Look, these disgusting sodomites will destroy America unless we squash the vast and evil Gay Agenda, which wants to convert each and every straight person in America to one of them lesbeens or swishy fellers. Why, they've even somehow gotten to my wife, who no longer wants to do her wifely duty! Thus I applaud Brother Williams and his strike against the evil Gay Agenda, and I call on Brother Governator in Californicator to quit catering to the Gay Agenda and throw that Gavin Newsome feller in jail too!

My understanding is that Reverend Williams has gotten a lot of phone calls from LIE-berals and sodomites who oppose him jailing a couple of "ministers" who conducted gay "marriage" ceremonies. Please call Brother Williams and let him know you appreciate how he's enforcing Biblical law upon those heathen Sodomites! Here is the contact info for his office:

Donald A. Williams, District Attorney

Ulster County Courthouse
275 Wall Street
Kingston, NY 12401
Phone: (845) 340-3280
Fax: (845) 340-3185
Office Hours: 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM Mon-Fri

In other news, God loves you, and our Great Leader loves you. Unless you're a faggot, of course. Or a DEMON-crat. Or a LIE-beral. Then you're going to HELL!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, March 14, 2004

I'm feeling lots better, thanks 

Some of you have asked me if, now that my gallbladder has been removed, I'll need to take artificial gall to do my job. The answer to that is, of course, no. The kind of gall I bring to my job has nothing to do with gallbladders. All that having no gallbladder means is that I can't eat fatty foods anymore.

In fact, about the only bad thing about my surgery is that I can't do my husbandly duty with my wife. The doctors say to avoid straining myself for six weeks or so, until after things heal inside me and they remove the stitches from the hole they poked in my tummy (hey, that was pretty neat, BTW, they didn't cut me open at all, they made a little hole and put a tube through it and ran some tools down the tube, and then pulled up my gallbladder right through the tube!). My little soldier has been really disappointed. It's just sitting down there, limp, not even thinking about saluting.

But I wonder about my wife. She seems so happy now. I wonder if that evil gay agenda has been at her again? Now that I'm home with my wife for a while, I've been trying to catch those evangelical lesbeans that are out to convert all our God-fearing women into sodomites like them, but they apparently are sneakier than I am. I called Louie down at the FBI to come bug my house, but he said the FBI doesn't do that anymore unless it's a terrorist, a prostitute, or one of those pro-terrorist "anti-war" protesters. Boy, I bet J. Edgar Hoover wouldn't have said that. Now THAT was a REAL man (even if he did like to wear feather boas and carry a purse!).

Well, time to go take more medicine. The docs gave me some pain killers. Really trippy stuff! But I wonder, is it wrong to take drugs to make you feel good? Well, I called my friend Rush and he said go ahead, wasn't wrong at all, God had come to him in a vision and let him know that as long as you're suffering, it's fine to take all the pain killers you want. Boy, that's a load off my mind!

Yours in mellow drugitude,
-- The Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Friday, March 12, 2004

It is your duty to buy the biggest SUV's possible 

Today's guest editorial is by Brother Waxmop, a good Patriot down in Texas-land. God came to him in response to my message about the culture war between us good God-fearing Americans and those heathen Sodomite states on the coasts. But I'll let Brother Waxmop take it from here:

It all stems from John Asscroft's latest diary. Brother Asscroft: have no fear!

My house church meeting last night was particularly inspirational and spirit-filled, and while we all sang in tongues, the Holy Spirit filled me and I was blessed with a moment of prophesy.

The flock has nothing to fear from the coasts. They will soon perish. Yahweh promised after Noah's flood he would never again drown the entire earth in water, but he said nothing about using global warming to flood the unholy coastal areas. In my vision, I saw San Fransisco, New York, New Orleans, Amsterdam, and many other cities of sin all sink below the ocean, where their inhabitants can offend no more.

So, what is our duty? Although we know global warming is really a divine tool used by Our Father to wash away the sinful parts of this great land, we must never admit that global warming exists, for fear that the god-haters realize their beloved cradles of iniquity are doomed and flee. And also, it is now every Christian's duty to further the cause of global warming: you must all buy cars with large engines, and move as far away from your jobs as possible.

Together we can bring about the washing away of sin.

After sharing this joyous vision, the host family for our house church immediately turned on all the lights in the home and we all went out and started our cars to let them release CO2 while we finished our prayers. We even parked the lawn mower out in the front, and started her up and let it run! The Mohammedans that live next door were baffled and we saw them peeking out of their windows as we all held hands in a circle around the lawn mower and sang praises to Jesus.

Although we all agreed that after we left house church, we would drive around our gated subdivision until our tanks ran dry, I could not wait to get my wife home so we could celebrate in the Biblical way. So this morning after our morning family devotional, I left for work two hours early and drove back and forth from our beautiful Sugarland, Texas neighborhood (we're neighbors with Tom DeLay!) to downtown over and over again. I was a few minutes late for work, but I managed to get through both 20-gallon tanks of my Chevy Suburban!

Truly Our Father is everywhere. Now I smell the love of Christ in every whiff of fumes at the pump.

Your brother in Christ,

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Amish terror threat foiled! 

Amish terrorist
I am pleased to announce that the FBI, in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security, has foiled an attempt by an Amish terrorist to enter the United States. We cannot release details of the plot yet, which involved fertilizer, a horse-drawn cart, and lantern fuel, we shall just say that it was dastardly, dastardly I say!

Look, the connection between the Amish and Osama bin Laden is well documented, just as well documented as the connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden. Yet those bleeding heart LIE-berals are still attempting to intervene on behalf of this member of a dastardly conspiracy to impose One World Government upon the United States!

But I assure you, that our Administration will never cease its vigilant efforts to keep terrorists out of the United States. Whether we're talking about Santa or evil economists, your government is working to protect you from terrorists everywhere!

Yours in Safety,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Our Great Leader's latest deficit reduction plan 

D.C. Johnny
I'm stung, stung I say, by reports that our Great Leader is renting out the Lincoln Bedroom to the highest bidder. It's not true! See, what these LIE-beral news media are not reporting is this: This is all part of our Great Leader's latest deficit reduction plan.

See, our Great Leader's got this big house in Washington D.C., with all these unused rooms, so why not rent out part of it for spare change? It lets Laura change the curtains and put down new carpet without having to tap federal funds, and it's, like, just plain patriotic that the President is forced to sacrifice in this way! And those aren't campaign contributions he's getting, those are DEFICIT REDUCTION contributions. For true! And the infidels shall commit suicide upon the gates of the White House, there are no campaign contributors in the White House, I guarantee it!

-- D.C. Johnny

God Hates Shrimp 

A site run by some God-fearing true Christians has brought up another threat to America's moral fiber: Shellfish. And the Satanic people who push these satanic denizens of the deep upon our poor innocent women and children.

Look, the Bible is clear on the subject. Leviticus 11:9-12 says:

9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.

10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.

12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

Deuteronomy 14:9-11 even backs them up. The Bible is clear and straightforward: God Hates Shrimp.

I hereby call for all good Christians to join us in protesting the evil Satanic businesses pushing these abominations upon our poor innocent women and children, such Satanic and un-Godly businesses as Red Lobster, Long John Silver's, and Mrs. Paul's Seafood. Remember, it's for the children!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

We will win this culture war.  

The No Gay Marriage amendment, the Flag Burning Amendment, those are all tools for us good God-fearing Americans to use to defeat those heathen Sodomites who are stealing our children. Look, our "flyover states" are turning into vast wastelands of trailer parks and abandoned factories as our children flee to those Sodomite states on the West Coast and in the Northeast. Our cities are losing millions in population as only old people and losers are lost behind. Every innovation in the past 30 years has come out of those Sodomite states, as the intelligent and ambitious amongst us flee to those Sodomite states. Even our vaunted Compaq ended up bought by a California company, leaving only Dell, which manufactures Intel (sinful Californian) designs with the Intel logo rubbed off, to carry the torch for innovation from the heartland. But we still have many potent weapons to use to punish these Sodomites for luring our ambitious youngsters to their heathen cesspools of tolerance, diversity, and innovation (sinful! The only book you need is the Bible!).

The first weapon is our womenfolks. Because we're good Christians, our womenfolk don't work. That means they can pack school boards, work as campaign workers for good Christian politicians, stuff envelopes for fund raising for our good Christian politicians, and otherwise do things that the heathen Sodomites, whose women work doing innovative and creative things like running Hewlett-Packard,, cannot do.

The second weapon is Big Government. This weapon was created by that evil FDR, and it's only right that we use it against the Sodomites on the West Coast and in the Northeast. We are already doing well here -- the Sodomites are propping up our crumbling, decrepit states because we've managed to suck them dry for money to prop up our state governments and businesses, all of whom would be bankrupt if forced to compete on a fair basis with the creative and innovative Sodomites whose evil tolerance diversity, and unsightly valuation of intelligence and reason (heresy! Intelligence and reason are contrary to God's word!) gives them an unfair advantage over good God-fearing people like us.

The final weapon is our hatred, bigotry, and intolerance. The Sodomites cringe from our hatred, bigotry, and intolerance. They wring their hands in aghast astonishment that anybody could be so hateful as to declare that God hates Fags. By sheer vehemence and, if necessary, violence, we shall destroy those Sodomites who are stealing our children from us with their hateful tolerance, unseemly diversity, and heretical valuation of intelligence and reason, and once again make this God's country, one country under God, with all the Sodomites where they belong: In jail, overseas in Satanic countries like Canada or the Netherlands that have the same "values", or back in the closet with all their unseemly notions of "tolerance", "diversity", "reason", and "logic" outlawed like they should be in God's country. For as the Bible says, reason and logic have nothing to do with Faith, and God has no tolerance for the unbeliever.

Helping Reclaim God's Country,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, March 08, 2004

Our Great Leader loves darkies 

They should all vote for him in November. And here is the proof of his affection for pickininnies:

Yours in Racial Tolerance,
-- The Attorney General

You will die if you vote for Kerry! 

That great Patriot Rep. Tom Cole has already warned you that a vote for Kerry is a vote for Osama bin Hitler. But it's WAY worse than that. A vote for Kerry is a vote for Communism. A vote for Kerry is a vote for a coward. A vote for Kerry is a vote to turn Washington D.C. into a radioactive crater. Remember, boys and girls, there are vast hoards of Islamists massed upon our borders, with the most modern of tanks, jet fighters, and weapons of mass destruction. The moment they see some wimpy DEMON-crat as President instead of a manly man like our Great Leader they will attack us and kill every single man, woman, and child in America!

So remember, a vote for Kerry is a vote for DEATH, 'cause you'll all die, every single one of you, if Kerry wins. So vote Bush this November. Vote for a manly man who knows how to put Osama in his place (a cushy condo in Islamabad!). Do it for the children, the children, I say! Do you want to see little children turned into raghead barbecue?! A vote for Kerry is a vote for cannibalism, SHAME on you if you're a Kerry supporter!

Oh, regarding our own Great Leader's campaign platform for 2004, before I forget it: 9/11. 9/11. Osama bin laden. 9/11. Osama Hussein Great War Leader 9/11. Osama, 9/11. Thank you.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, March 05, 2004

Attorney General hospitalized 

Attorney General John Ashcroft was hospitalized last night with gallstone pancreatis. While it'd be easy to make cheap jokes, it's a very painful and sometimes dangerous condition. All of us here on the staff of the Attorney General's Blog wish Mr. Ashcroft a swift and speedy recovery. We may disagree with his politics, but that doesn't mean he deserves pain and misery.

-- Staff

Thursday, March 04, 2004

Good news! 0% unemployment by November! 

Hot on the heels of our administration's great success in increasing the number of manufacturing jobs (hey, putting together a burger IS manufacturing!), the Department of Labor, under the leadership of that great lady, Elaine L. Chao, has now put together a proposal to eliminate unemployment within the next four months. Within four months, there will no longer be unemployed Americans. All Americans will either be employed, or worthless bums.

"All of my relatives work 20 hours a day, seven days a week", says Ms. Chao. "It is clear to myself and to the Bush administration that anybody who wants to work is working, and thus it's only fair and right to re-define the remainder as worthless bums."

DEMON-cratic traitors point out that the U.S. economy has 2,600,000 fewer jobs since Bush took office, at a time when the job-age population has increased by over 4,000,000 Americans. Ms. Chao swiftly rebutted that, saying "look, those are just lazy bums who don't want to work, our American businesses would love to give them jobs, but if they won't work, what can we do?!"

In unrelated news, American soldiers are no longer dying in Iraq. Now they're being temporarily assigned to guard Heaven's gates. They'll be back when our Lord returns in a few years. Our administration realizes that this is a great hardship to the women and children of these brave soldiers, but Christ needs soldiers too, y'know? In order to ease their time of grieving at the temporary absence of their loved ones, we will reduce these women and children's veterans benefits so that they aren't distracted by excessive wealth. I know it's a sacrifice, but all brave Americans must sacrifice in these hard times (well, unless you're a top manager at a Fortune 500 company, of course, but that goes without saying).

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

We Republicans will win based on the issues 

The only DEMON-cratic platform is hatred of Bush. The Demoncrats have no plans for doing better on the economy, the Demoncrats have no plans for winning the peace in Iraq, the Demoncrats have no plans for fixing our broken health care system, all they have is pure visceral hatred of our Great Leader and all that he stands for: peace (two wars worth of peace!), justice (except for darkies!), truth (except when we don't like it), and the freedom to become really, really rich by outsourcing jobs so that U.S. executives can be good Massahs to overseas slaves and bring back the Old South on foreign soil (crack that whip! Yee-haw, take THAT, you darkies!).

Because we good Republicans have the high ground on the issues, we will run a clean and honorable campaign, that will never slime the Demoncratic candidate by telling lies about his service in Vietnam and afterwards, accusing him of preying on rich women, and, oh, I don't know, what else will we never slime him about? Oh, we won't spread stories saying bad things about Kerry's wife even if she DOES make Hitlery Clinton look like a wimp, and... oh, there's just a TON of things we won't slime Kerry about.

No sirree, no slime in this race! Nothing to see here, move along, move along! We will run on the issues, and we will win on the issues, 'cause we're, like, the only REAL Americans, unlike those DEMON-crats who are, like, traitors, y'know?

Yours in cleanliness,
John Asscroft, Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Truth revealed: Saddam's WMD found! 

The administration's embarrassment about saying there was Weapons of Mass Destruction but then finding no Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq is now over. The truth is out! It has now been revealed that Britney Spears is actually a bottle-grown mutant created by Saddam's biological weapons expert Dr. Germ, and dispatched to rural Louisiana early in life to be cute, bouncy, and corrupt America's youth with her evil sexual attraction.

Take THAT, you LIE-berals! Here you were saying that Saddam had no Weapons of Mass Destruction, and they were bouncing and jiggling right there in front of your eyes like two ripe melons oh oh oh DOWN little soldier! Down! (wap wap wap) excuse me, gotta discipline my little soldier, anyhow... uhm. Oh yeah. When our intrepid investigator visited her "parents" in Louisiana, posing as a long-lost cousin from Tennessee, they were unapologetic about their participation in this diabolical plot.

"We'uns ain't likin' them damnyankees ever since that Beast Butler done come down here in 1862 and treated ourn womenfolks lak they's just some common whores," said Mrs. Speares, spitting when she said the words "Beast Butler".

Mr. Speares quickly added, "And the niggers were better off as slaves, y'know? But them damnyankees stole all our niggers from us!"

Mrs. Spears summed up their general opinion: "Them heathen damnyankees deserve all the wrath that God is going to deal out to them for having unpure thoughts about our little Britney!" At which point Mr. Spears said "Yee-haw!", and jumped into his 1967 Dodge Charger through the window and screeched off to find someone who had one of them new-fangled "television" thingies so he could watch some NASCAR.

Now, I was going to issue a warrant for young Britney's arrest as a threat to the security of America, but every time I call down to the Director of the FBI's office to demand that the FBI do something, Director Mueller starts laughing uncontrollably and hangs up the phone. Now what's the deal with that?! But I assure you, Saddam's final Weapon of Mass Destruction of American values *WILL* be stopped, or I'm not the Attorney General of the Untied States of America!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

In memory of Eddie Cloontz, a great American who, like our Great Leader's Brain never let truth interfere with a good story.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

Editorial comment: Too many ideas, too little column space 

Some people have asked me: Where do you get your ideas? Uhm, that's not the problem. The goings-on of conservatives and the Bush administration offer no shortage of ideas. A quick trip to Freeper Central is enough to recharge the batteries for an entire week! No, the real problem is simple: Too many ideas, too few minutes in the day to write them all up. Thus why you got an uncommon two-fer today (unless this makes it a three-fer). But that tends to make the blog too long, and it's already getting unwieldy. Blogger is a big improvement over previous attempts at resource-friendly weblogs, but not really suited for a blog that gets multiple posts per day.

What's the solution? I'm working on part of it -- a new server with a new site, where I and a couple of others in a similar position can do a "group blog", using much better software. Said server would be running Debian Linux, simply because that's the easiest Linux to handle at a remote hosting site (keeping it patched is a matter of putting apt-get into the crontab, vs. magic incantations for other operating systems). I'd appreciate suggestions as to what the best software for this 'group blog' would be.

BTW, I've already chosen a name for it, and registered the domain, but you'll have to wait for the grand roll-out to find out what I've chosen. I promise, it's good :-).

-- John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman

Arnold corrupted by gay agenda! 

Arnold Schwartzenegger, the Governator of California, today came out in favor of gay marriage. It is obvious that he has been corrupted by the Gay Agenda. See, we have scientific proof that gays are trying to convert us good heterosexuals to be faggots like them. Like, gay sex is just so much BETTER than straight sex. Uhm, other people tell me, anyhow, I wouldn't know personally (wipes sweat from browe, phew!). If we let the faggots have their way, it'll be the end of the human race, 'cause then all the boys would grow up to be swishy, and all the girls would grow up to be Rosie O'Donnell.

It's just a shame that big beefcake Arnold muscles bulging and glistening under the lights oh oh oh oh down little soldier! Down! Uhm, excuse me while I discipline my soldier... ahh! Anyhow, I always knew he was gay. I mean, that scene from The Terminator, where he's just standing there, like, uhm, glistening, with NO CLOTHES ON, that was an obvious ploy to convert us good heterosexual men to being gay like him, see?

I just wonder how Maria copes, being trapped in a gay marriage like Bill and Hitlery Clinton's? But then, what can you expect from a Kennedy anyhow, they're all a bunch of LIE-berals and DEMON-crats, so I guess it's normal for her. What a bunch of perverts.

Heterosexually Yours,
The Attorney General of the Untied States of America

Seances for Bush 

A new class of people has come out for Bush: Dead people. Yes, that's right, Admiral Elmo R. Zumwalt Jr., dead for five years now, has come out for our Great Leader and against the Kenis, thanks to the supernatural intervention of Bush Pioneer Thomas Lipscomb who with his mighty Ouiji board summoned the late Admiral's ghost (via W. Scott Thompson) to tell the TRUTH about the Kenis's service in Vietnam! And hey, the late Admiral is conveniently dead, so we can't ask him if W. Scott Thompson's vague recollections of second-hand info from 20 years ago are accurate, can we? Isn't Karlie a genius, enlisting dead people in our cause! (Ignore the many written citations that Zumwalt wrote in praise of Kerry, BTW, that's just more false information planted in the past by those LIE-berals who stole the TARDIS).

Gotta go, got more dead people to enlist for our cause. We already enlisted Jesus. Some other dead people that we're considering enlisting: J. Edgar Hoover ("that Kenis feller was just a commie y'know, hold on, lemme adjust my feather boa and gold lame' slippers, ah yes that feels better!"), Richard Nixon ("that Kenis feller bombed the hell out of Hanoi and killed tens of thousands of civilians, he's a war criminal! And I am not a crook!"), General Dwight D. Eisenhower ("Mr. Kenis was the sorriest excuse for a sailor that I ever commanded"), Lyndon B. Johnson ("I didn't cause tens of thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese to die for the Swiss bank accounts of South Vietnam's mafia goon leaders, it was all the Kenis's fault!"), yessirree, there's tons of dead people who can come out for our Great Leader and against The Kenis!

And if it requires firing up the Ouiji board, well, I'm sure God will forgive us. After all, we are His chosen administration, and I'm sure He won't mind if we do anything necessary to make sure we're re-elected.

Yours in Christ,
The Attorney General of the Untied States of AMerica

Monday, March 01, 2004

Another LIE-beral leader bites the dust.  

And he was one of those heathen statue-worshipping Papists besides. Now the former "President" of Haiti, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, elected by the majority of Haiti's people unlike our Great Leader and thus to be hated and feared by all of our Great Leader's supporters, has fled. It is truly a great black comedy. But what can you expect from a bunch of darkies? It's like my 4th grade teacher taught me back in Missouri, the darkies had it better under slavery, when they were cared for and treated well like valuable property, instead of tossed out onto the streets like broken garbage (which they are, of course, but we Southern planters were just kindly people willing to give the darkies a home even if they were lazy, shiftless, and useless).

Now those great patriots who opposed Aristide, the TonTons Macoute, can once again install a great patriot like Papa Doc Duvalier, who knew how to keep the darkies in their place even if he was a bit dusky himself. And then we won't have to worry about Haiti for another 30 years, good riddance. Having a good reliable dictator down there sure beats having a lefty LIE-beral in charge, why, he might even do something socialist like implement free public education or national health care!

Conservatively yours,
The Attorney General

Why Ralph Nader is a good Republican 

A lot of folks wonder why Ralph Nader is such a good Republican, even to the point of winning Florida for our Great Leader in 2000. Well, it's simple. There's not much difference between Ralph Nader and us good Republicans. Thus why he's supporting us again in 2004.

Here's some of the reasons Nader supports us:
  1. Support for the environment: Both us good Republicans and Ralph Nader support environmentalism. Whether it is our Healthy Forests initiative for preventing forest fires by cutting down all the trees, or our Clean Skies initiative for making sure people get enough healthful mercury and sulphur from the air they breathe, our Administration's policies are beyond reproach. As an environmentalist himself, naturally Nader supports our Administration's policies.
  2. Support for a living wage: By rationaliizng overttime rules, we'll make sure that more and more working-class Americans are re-defined as professionals in order to expand the professional class. Nurses, firefighters, and policemen will no longer be working class slobs, they will be professionals, and treated as such! Ralph Nader also proposes expanding the professional class, another reason why he supports our Administration.
  3. Support for reducing product safety concerns: Both Ralph Nader and the Bush Administration are all for reducing product safety lawsuits.
  4. Support for immigrant rights: Both the Bush Administration and Nader support immigration reform. Little things like breaking the law should never be allowed to stand between illegal immigrants and their dreams!
So remember, if for some reason you don't feel like supporting our Great Leader and you're tempted to vote for that traitor The Kenis, vote for Ralph Nader instead. He's a true American patriot, and a Republican too!

Yours in Christ,
The Attorney General of the Untied States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin

Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.