Saturday, January 31, 2004

I was browsing one of those LIE-beral blogs, and found this story by BadTux the Angry Penguin:

After talking with my good friend the Attorney General, I understand that the liberation of Iraq makes the 500 dead American soldiers, the $100,000,000,000 price tag, and the tens of thousands of dead Iraqis all worth it. Why, it was our humanitarian duty to invade Iraq and depose Saddam in order to free the Iraqis so they could elect their mullahs to rule with Islamic law, just like in Iran. Every day, I reach deep into my pocket and hand my tax money to the taxman so that he can send it to Iraq rather than use it to help America and Americans. It's, like, my patriotic duty to stand and take it when the tax man takes my money at gunpoint to help people overseas that I've never seen and don't give a shit about. And if you feel differently, you're a terrorist and you probably butt-fuck Saddam in your dreams.

Well, I think he was trying to be sarcastic, but he's right! Remember, boys and girls: Any criticism of our Great Leader means you are a supporter of Saddam and probably a terrorist too, as well as a traitor to America. God has annointed all of us in the Bush Administration to lead America to the Eschaton, the end of times, where those of us who have accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior shall be lifted bodily unto Heaven, leaving the miseries and travails of the Earth to the ignorant sinners, towel-heads, and Jews, those who have not accepted Him into their life. It is a brave and hopeful vision, and one that we are trying with all our prayers to bring to fruition.

Remember, if you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're going to HELL! And don't be surprised when you're left behind while all us True Believers get to go to Heaven!

Yours in Christ, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, January 30, 2004

Fear Everything 

Every single American should be afraid. This is a rough world. Everybody wants to kill you. There's big nigger criminals who want to rape you up the ass. There's towel-heads with terror weapons. There's inscrutable North Koreans with nukes. There's lurking perverts who want to kidnap your children, rape them, and throw their bodies down bottomless mine shafts. There's spics with guns who are driving (on our white highways!) who will kill you if you look at them wrong. There's DEMON-crats with criticisms of our Great Leader who are giving these villains aid and assistance. Every day when you step out the door it's iffy if America will exist anymore, because these terrorists hate our great nation and wish to destroy it. Every day they kill millions of Americans with their dastardly weapons of evil biology, evil chemistry, and evil physics.

So what is a hysterical and worried America supposed to do? Well, you're supposed to trust in God and in His messengers on earth, our Great Leader and yours truly, Big John. We're looking out for you. So be afraid. Be very afraid. Because if you aren't afraid, the evil-doers have won. Only if you go through every minute of your life in abject terror can you trust us enough for us to do our job.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

My movie career: It's not well known, but aside from my career in gospel music and my days as a stage musician, I also had a career in the movies. Don't believe me? Here's the proof!

That was from my greatest movie ever, "Islam is a religion in which God requires you to send your son to die for Him." I got to lock up all the ragheads in that one, yippee!

Remember, Jesus sent his Son to die for you. And you too, Paul, but you better stop stroking yourself while looking at those dirty pictures in the bathroom! Remember: Jesus is Lord. And George W. Bush is not far behind him.

Yours in Christ, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
Say hello to the Ministry of Love: I've gotten criticisms that the Department of Justice should be called the Department of inJustice for things like holding American citizens without charges and without bail, sending evil rag-heads overseas to be tortured, and making my employees sing my crummy song. But really, it's not true. My department is full of love. I love you. And you. And you too, Joe, but you should be ashamed of yourself for wearing that pink nightgown in your bedroom! And Andy, when I looked through your underwear drawer last night, I noticed that your underwear is all frilly? But anyhow, I spent long and hard thinking about a new name for the Department of Justice to let everybody know just how much I love you (well, except for you, Amar Akbar, your filthy Muslim ass is going to HELL!).

After much prayer, I asked Karlie about it, and he said that I ought to ask Georgie to rename my department to the Ministry of Love. I like it! So I asked Georgie, and Karlie worked Georgie's puppet strings and did his little ventriloquist trick to say "That's a great idea, Johnnie", it sounded like it was coming right out of Georgie's mouth! I like watching Karlie play with Georgie. But Georgie complains that the puppet strings chafe and need adjusting too often. But gosh, it really is a great act, Karlie ought to take it on the road someday once him and Georgie are finished being President of the Untied States of America!

So if you don't hear from me, it's 'cause I'm busy getting new stationary printed. I'm also trying to get Bernie Kopell to come on board to take our Love Act on the road. I can sing, he can act in the music video, what more do we need? I smell a gold record! Only thing, I'm thinking that "Attorney General" sounds too harsh. Sounds like it's got something to do with guns and lawyers. Guns are good, but lawyers are evil. So maybe I'll ask Karlie if I can re-name my office as Minister of Freedom? Don't you think that'd be great?!

Remember, Jesus loves you. And you, and you, and you. Even you, Carl, even though I noticed that you browsed some unpatriotic writings on the web last night. But not you, you filthy swine Ali Hassan, your filthy Islamic butt will burn forever in the eternal flames!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Minister of Freedom, Untied States of America

And oh, before I forget: I respect Islam.

Remember, if you haven't accepted our Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're probably a terrorist.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Good evening, folks. Sorry about the delay. I'm not sure what happened, I was typing my new post into Windows, and it suddenly froze up and I lost all my work. Then a window popped up on my screen saying "hah hah you 0wnz3d!" but I didn't type that, how did that window get there?! Anyhow, I called Dickie over to help me and he said that my problem was that I didn't have enough guns, so instead I left and went to a gun show with a few of my friends from church. We bought us lots of guns. Dickie says we can go hunting again soon, last month I killed fifty birds all by myself! When I got back, my computer wasn't working at all, so I used one of my new guns. I have a new computer now!

Our Great Leader made a wonderful speech today welcoming the president of, uhm, I dunno, some funny country where they don't talk right, to the White House. He said " There is no doubt in my mind that Saddam Hussein was a gathering threat to America and others. That's what we know. We know from years of intelligence -- not only our own intelligence services, but other intelligence gathering organizations -- that he had weapons ... There is no doubt in my mind the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein. America is more secure, the world is safer, and the people of Iraq are free." Bravo, great leader! Freeing Iraq so that it can become an Islamic theocracy was a great thing, indeed, and makes us all safer!

I browsed some of those LIE-beral blogs after I got my new computer today. I'm not quite getting it. They're all so rude about our Great Leader, and have all sorts of things that could give aid and comfort to our enemies, like criticisms of our Great Leader's policies or reports on the sorry state of the National Guardsmen about to be sent to Iraq to replace the professional soldiers there. I called one of those LIE-berals up (it's easy to do, I just called down to Louie down at the FBI, and he told me the guy's phone number) and asked this LIE-beral, "What's all this stuff? What are you, some kind of terrorist? How do I join your terror cell?". He laughed and asked me who my Party commissar was, just as if I were some kinda Commie! I don't understand. Doesn't he understand that our Great Leader is one of the great men of all time, like Jesus or Moses? He must be one of those advocates of evil chemistry and evil biology, probably even believes in evolution (he is going to HELL!).

Please join me in prayer for our Great Leader, and remember: If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're probably a terrorist and I'M WATCHING YOU!

Yours in Christ, John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, January 26, 2004

Bad news, folks. A hardened murderer has been released from jail. This is a disgrace. I assure you that your tough-on-crime Attorney General will redouble his efforts to make sure that all 12 year old children who accidentally kill their playmates spend life in jail without opportunity for parole.

In other bad news, the part of the Patriot Act that allows me to jail you for life as an "enemy combatant" for making unpatriotic statements in support of terrorists (who are anybody that I say is a terrorist, no trial required) has been found unconstitution by a judge. But I assure you that I will appeal this decision immediately. Speech is protected by the Constitution only when it's speech with which I agree. If you disagree, you're a terrorist.

In another disgraceful incident, a District Attorney in New York City is filing charges against a cop who killed a nigger. Look, if there's charges filed, it ought to be something like "animal cruelty" or something, it's not like those porch monkeys are real people, right?

I'm depressed right now, folks. It looks like the evil LIE-berals are temporarily winning. It is time for us all to pray for our country, our Great Leader, and yours truly's health. But never fear, the war against evil-doers goes on, and will continue until every single one of them is either in jail, dead, or has accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. Hallelujah!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

The Iraqis have decided who they want to be President, and he has very enlightened views. Indeed, our plan of bringing democracy to the Middle East at gunpoint is working well, Iraq is now safe for the mullahs! (What's that, Paulie? You say we were supposed to bring DEMOCRACY to Iraq? Whoops!). Well, that doesn't matter. Iraq is still brimming with weapons of mass destruction, Dickie says, and any day now Halliburton will find them. Even if Halliburton never finds them, Saddam's use of that evil and un-Christian "science" stuff is enough by itself to justify removing Saddam. (I mean, look, that "science" stuff is obviously the work of Satan, it says that God did NOT create the world in 7 days! Heresy!).

Another nest of traitor terrorist sympathizers has been uncovered, and our administration is working diligently to remove this threat to America.

More news as the day unfolds... and remember: If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're a terror suspect, and I'M WATCHING YOU!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, January 25, 2004

Hi, this morning's sermon is on humility. I think it's a good one. Georgie was going to go with me, but had to get his puppet strings adjusted. Karlie says that it ought to be okay tomorrow though.

Good news! Dickie tells me we've uncovered more weapons of mass destruction related program activities in Iraq! See, our Great Leader did NOT lie in last year's State of the Union address when he said that Iraq was brimming, brimming I say, with weapons of mass destruction! I asked Dickie if he would go to church with me to learn about humility, but Dickie says humility is for losers and he's a winner. Please pray for his soul with me?

Good news! Donnie doesn't want his new toy soldiers, so I might get to play with some of them instead! Hmm, looking at this map, if I get enough toy soldiers I can put them at airports, in newspaper editor's offices, in television newsrooms, at major travel chokepoints on the highways, I can put them LOTS of places and make sure that those terrorists can't give aid and comfort to the enemy. Ohboyohboyohboy! YeeeeARRRGH! (See, I'm practicing my Mean Dean yell, what a great new toy to play with!).

Well, it's off to church I go. Please pray for our Great Leader and all his boys (and girl)!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Why we must go to Mars: Good news, boys and girls! I am now allowed to announce that the Mars Rover has found secret stashes of Iraqi WMD's, Osama bin Laden, and hostile aliens that are vulnerable to a strong pro-marriage initiative! And you thought our Great Leader was nuts when he announced our intention to send armed men to Mars by the end of the next decade?!

Joan Jett is a traitor. And those Young Republicans who hassled her until she started up the Star Spangled Banner and confused them have now won 50 points from their GOP Team Leader, which can be traded in on lots of neat-o Republican swag. Sure, we Republicans have to bribe our Young Republicans to do stuff like this, we're the party of free enterprise, right? Who in the world would do something without being paid to do it?

Some of those whiney environmentalists are complaining about how I won't let them get government records. Look, you just have to trust us. We're good people. Me and Georgie and Donnie and Karlie wouldn't do anything that would hurt America or Americans, because we've accepted Jesus Christ as our personal Lord and Savior and had our sins washed away in the Blood of the Lamb. So when you ask us for government records, not only are you supporting terrorism, but you're actually sinning against God, and you're going to HELL.

Well gosh, this has been a nice little Saturday morning missive, hasn't it? Have a nice day, and remember -- John Asscroft is watching YOU.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, January 23, 2004

Saddam was Hitler: Well, I just read a bunch of LIEberal stuff about how we shouldn't have invaded Iraq 'cause Iraq didn't have Weapons of Mass Destruction after all (just "Weapons of Mass Destruction Related Program Activities"). Don't they understand? Saddam was as bad as Hitler! Like Hitler, Saddam built huge gas chambers to exterminate entire races of people! Like Hitler, Saddam had control of the 3rd biggest industrial economy on the Earth in order to build mighty weapons of war in order to enslave the peoples of dozens of nations! Like Hitler, Saddam had a massive war machine with the very latest technology, better than that of the United States! We *HAD* to take on Saddam, otherwise, like Hitler, he would have turned the millions of soldiers and tens of thousands of tanks in his army, tanks better than those of any other nation in the world, loose upon the world, even threatening America itself with conquest! Why, I understand that Saddam killed 8,000,000 Jews in his gas chambers for the crime of being Jewish, and 6,000,000 Gypsies too, and sent all denizens of insane asylums and homes for the retarded to the gas chambers, and kept enormous concentration camps where he enslaved the peoples of entire nations in order to serve as slave labor for his mighty war machine. It is clear that Saddam was as bad as Hitler, and comparing him to Hitler does not demean the memory of those Jews, Gypsies, and others exterminated by Hitler for no crime other than their religion or race.

And for those of you who say Saddam was merely a two-bit dictator who killed his political opponents but never tried to enslave and exterminate entire peoples, an evil man but no worse than any other two-bit dictator on this world and about as much a threat to America as a child with a cap gun: HERESY! When I find you, you *WILL* spend some time at Camp X-Ray as an enemy combatant, I guarantee you! Get down on your knees and PRAY, traitor, because I'm coming for you.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Cowardly Democrats blast our Great Leader 

It is absolutely disgusting the depths to which those cowardly Democrats will go to blast our Great Leader and his administration. Now they're blasting us for spending money like drunken sailors. I ought to investigate those commies at The Heritage Foundation just to see what terrorist organization is paying them to say such evil things about our Great Leader.

A whiner Army reservist about to deployed to Iraq says that his unit doesn't even have guns to train with, claiming that We have one rifle, one machine gun and one pistol for our whole unit, for basic familiarization training ("This is a rifle—the bullets come out this end…"). This is for an Infantry company with over 100 men. All the other weapons have been transferred to another state for their impending deployment to Iraq. He is obviously giving aid and comfort to the enemy by leaking such confidential information (much as that Commie traitor Col. David Hackworth recently revealed that the Army was running out of ammo and having to strip all Stateside units of ammo in order to ship it all to Iraq, I bet Osama bin Laden himself funds Traitor Hackworth's web site!). There seems to be a lot of traitors nowdays giving aid and comfort to the enemy by talking about non-functional anti-aircraft-missile defense systems on our choppers, talking about problems with logistics systems, etc., and this must stop!

Remember, if you give any information about screwups in the military, you're a traitor and should be shot. Our men and women in uniform are made of the very best plastic, well suited for moving around on the map however our administration pleases, and pretending that we're not giving them the very best windex and putting them away in an orderly manner at the end of the day is just plain wrong!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Isn't my new colors purdy?

Oh -- I swear that when I talked about Roswell yesterday and how Donnie wouldn't let me see the aliens in the warehouse, I didn't know that our Great Leader was going down there today. And no, he was NOT captured by aliens while he was down there, even though it might sound like it. He's the same old Georgie he always was.
U.S. News and World Reports has a great article about me. Says I'm a great guy and really respect the law and the Constitution. Thanks, Mr. Zuckerman! You're okay, even if you ARE a kike!

Another one of those ragheads is suing me for illegally sending Maher Arar, one of those Canadian terrorists (all Canadian citizens are terrorists because they don't properly bow to our Great Leader) over to Syria to be tortured. How was I supposed to know that he'd be tortured when he got to Syria?! Sigh. Why don't they get it? The moment they adopt some heathen pagan religion like Islam, they lose all rights! Like it says in the 1st Amendment of my copy of the Bill of Rights, "This Constitution establishes a Christian Nation under God, with Liberty and Justice For All Christians(only)".

Yesterday I talked about how the upcoming one-party state would make me Attorney General for Life (oh boy!). Now I have a great idea for how to help make it come true... all I have to do is launch investigations of every Democrat running for office right before the election, alleging that they beat their wives, kick their dogs, and sell crack cocaine out of their Senate offices, and voila! Ohboyohboyohboy! This is almost as neat an idea as those electronic voting machines that mysteriously lose hundreds of votes (presumably Democratic votes, heheheh! Ooops, here's one where the electronic voting machine lost Republican votes, I guess they don't have all the bugs out of these things, sigh).

Well, it's been a busy day and I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. Remember, I'm reading about you. Don't do or say anything that Jesus wouldn't want you to do!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
My friend James Taranto brings to my attention that Democratic traitors clapped at the wrong time during the State of the Union Address. They CLAPPED when our Great Leader talked about how some provisions of the Patriot Act expired this year! Clearly they are all in the pay of al Qaeda. The FBI is investigating right now how much money they're getting from al Qaeda. I mean, with traitors like that ultra-liberal Bob Barr opposing the tools we need to put those terrorist strip club operators into jail, they're clearly giving aid and comfort to Osama bin Laden! Like my good friend Bill West said, It is interesting that the critics often appear to be apologist fronts for radical Islamic terrorist groups and certain of their lapdog spokespersons, generally an assortment of left-wing attorneys and politicians. I assure you, we'll track down this threat to the country, and make sure that every single one of these traitors get what they deserve.

Remember, if you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior today, you're probably a terrorist.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Rock music is Satanic. I knew it, but this is proof! (After all, if it's written in a book or magazine, you know it's true... why, I was just reading yesterday in the Weekly World News that we have some alien remains down there at Roswell, but Donnie won't let me see them, he just laughs when I ask him, sniff, Donnie is *MEAN*, he won't let me play with the 4th Infantry Division either!).
Ohboyohboyohboyohboy. This article really makes my soldier stand up and salute! Hmm. John Asscroft, Attorney General for Life. Ohboyoyboyoyboy...

I am a Meathead

Which America Hating Minority Are You?

Good news! My friends over at the Department of Homeland Security have saved America from another terrorist! And don't forget that Commie terrorist in the red suit too. Oh, not to mention that terrorist U.S. soldier with lots of medals that fought in Iraq against the ragheads, but you know, he's a spic, so he's automatically a terrorist and we must deport him. And that baby is really fake, you know, and besides the terrorists buy suicide explosives jackets for their little breastfeedin babies, it's not like they're HUMAN or anything. And she's from GERMANY, which is right next to FRANCE, which is the same thing as TERRORIST.

Yessirree, I must congratulate my good friend Tom Ridge over at the Department of Homeland Security on how well he's doing his job. Our nation is truly safer without those terrorist babies, Santas, and U.S. Army soldiers around.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Since I've been accused of ignoring the Bill of Rights, I hereby post the amendments that I've been accused of violating, in order to defend myself:

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion other than Christianity, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof of Christianity; or abridging the freedom of speech of anybody who agrees with me, or of the press as long as they report what I like them to report; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble as long as they're not assembling in opposition to government policies, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances, unless it's necessary to suppress those rights in order to fight terrorism

Amendment II
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed unless it's necessary in order to fight terrorism

Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized, unless it's necessary in order to fight terrorism

Amendment V
No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation unless it's necessary in order to fight terrorism.

Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense unless to do so is to provide aid and comfort to terrorists.

Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, unless it is necessary in order to fight terrorism.

As you can see, it's okay for me to suppress dissent, hold American citizens without trail, bail, or access to a lawyer, and seize people's money without a trial as long as it's necessary to fight the War on Terror. It says so right there in the Bill of Rights!

Monday, January 19, 2004

So the Carolina Panthers and the Damnyankee unPatriots shall meet in the Super Bowl? The South shall rise again! It makes my Southern Pride just blush with joy to see a football team from God's Country ready to destroy a bunch of LIE-beral damnyankees.

I've asked my entourage to get me some tickets to this "Super Bowl", but they say they can't. I told'em find somebody with tickets, and confiscate them as drug proceeds under RICO (smirk!). So I'll be there. Just look for the big Rebel flag waving on the 50 yard line with a bunch of stiff white guys underneath it (I understand I have some niggers working for me in my department, but it ain't right for niggers to sit in the same seats as white people, so I'm leaving them back at the office).

Yeehaw! Makes me feel like a young man back in Missouri again!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Why all good Republicans should go out immediately and re-register as Democrats: So they can vote for Howard Dean as the Democratic candidate. Look, the alternative is that General Clark is the Democratic nominee. We certainly don't want General Wesley Clark to get the nomination, when he shows up wearing all his medals and uniform and stuff at the Presidential debate it might make our Great Leader's flight suit look a bit, uhm, sock-stuffed in the crotch area (but oh my, isn't our Great Leader such a manly man? He is TRULY Presidential!). Nosiree, what we need running against our Great Leader (who stands with Moses and Jesus as amongst the greatest men of all time) is a tax hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, body piercing, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak. And Howard Dean is easier to paint as such a freak than some dude who spent his career in the military.

So remember, good Republican boys and girls: Re-register as Democrats *TODAY*. It's your duty. Our Great Leader needs you!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
MoveOn.org is a Communist front organization. It's obvious that MoveOn is a Communist/Socialist front. Anybody who criticizes our Great Leader or opposes our Great Leader's re-election is a Socialist. Why, just last night Karl Rove was saying about how this MoveOn site was about to run an ad criticizing how much money our Great Leader is borrowing and spending, and I said to him, "This is obviously is a Communist front, only Communists could be concerned about budget deficits and government spending." And hey, there used to be a web link on the Communist party's web site pointing to MoveOn's site (and there's web links on the CPUSA site pointing to lots of other Commie organizations such as the ACLU, Amnesty International, and the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill!). Yesirree, it's clear these MoveOn folks are just a bunch of Commies, and nobody is paying me to say that.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

I love it when my agenda gets made into law. Our Iraqi colonial government is rolling back women's rights. Look, women lately are not being the humble barefoot and pregnant people that the Bible says they should be. All these feminazis need a good strong husband willing to take them to the Chamber of Correction and Punishment when they get uppity!

That Southern patriot^w traitor Charlie Reese says that our Great Leader is a liar. Well, all I can say about that is this: What can you expect from an apologist for slavery? I mean, when our Great Leader said that Iraq was teeming, teeming I say with Weapons of Mass Destruction, every word was true, why is this TRAITOR saying that our Great Leader lied?! And what's this tax hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, body piercing, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak mean when he compares our great leader to Caligula? I mean, look at the man's short grey hair, tie, white shirt, and black suit jacket! It's obvious he's some kind of campus hippie! Oh well, I'm watching, and if anybody would listen to such obvious losers, well, I can always send them to the big Free Speech zone where we can be sure nobody hears them.

Remember, folks, if you're not members of the One True Church, you're going to HELL!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, January 17, 2004

Smirk. Those silly LIE-berals thought they were going to run their silly little lying commercial on my friend Sumner Redstone's television network, CBS? Think ahead, doofus LIE-berals! That little 1st Amendment thing only applies to speech we like, and even though CBS is using the public airwaves to transmit stuff, the 1st Amendment has nothing to do with it. Remember, boys and girls: We can censor anything on the public airwaves anytime we like, just by saying it's not "appropriate", and what are you gonna do about it? I mean, we got the noocleer bomb! Geeze, what a bunch of LIEberal losers, probably all fans of Hitlery Clinton.

Oh, my friend Karl Rove's girlfriend has a blog! Ever wanted to know what a White House puppeteer's daily life was like? Just read her blog.

Oh, proof that Georgie is Blessed by God: he has a halo! So there, you atheist LIE-berals, it's God's will that George W. Bush win re-election next November, and if you vote for someone else YOU'RE ALL GOING TO HELL!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, January 16, 2004

The nerve of those lefties at MoveOn! For a few hours, they actually had some videos posted on their site that compared Bush to Hitler! Then those LIE-berals have the audacity to remove the videos from their site immediately upon being notified that they were offensive, then claim that hey, they were ads that had been uploaded by users of their site, not ads created by MoveOn! What a bunch of LIE-berals. They just want to smear our Great Leader as being Hitler, and when they say they didn't do it, I know they're lying because, well, because God told me last night when I was praying for our Great Leader's health.

In other news: Hitlery. Hitlery Hitlery Hitlery Hitlery Hitlery Hitlery Hitlery Rodham Clinton.

If I say it it's fine, because I've accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior and have been washed of my sins in the Blood of the Lamb. But those atheist LIE-berals with their heathen un-Christian beliefs have not, so they're all going to HELL!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Today, a dastardly terror weapon was discovered at Portland International Airport. TSA officials closed off the airport while they dealt with this hideous item. Multiple TSA officers were observed fleeing the scene, wailing "Oh the horror!". In other news, the Clangordon Pipe Band furiously denied allegations that bagpipes were articles of war rather than musical instruments, although admitting that, yes, in 1944 during D-Day at the Pegasus Bridge, German soldiers fled in terror at the approach of a British bagpiper.

In other news, Al Bore, who lost the last Presidential election with a plurality of the popular vote and an enormous testosterone deficiency, blasted our Great Leader. Yawn. Isn't this, like, one of those "dog bites boy" stories? I'd put Al Bore's tedious butt into a re-education camp, but frankly, it'd be a waste of time, who listens to Al Bore anyhow? And another one of those pussy LIE-berals stories: They whine about all the children we have in our concentration camp down at Gitmo. Cry me a river, why doncha? The brats deserve it. Spare the rod (and barbed wire), spoil the child, y'know? Anyhow, nobody listens to those ball-less wonders anymore, so again, it'd be a waste of time to send them to Republican Team Camp where they can learn to be good little followers of our Great Leader under the tutelage of the greatest Americans who have ever lived -- Pat Robinson, Anne Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, and Bill O'Reilly.

And no, I did NOT violate the law. Laws apply only to Democrats, not Republicans. By definition, I cannot do something illegal. I mean, I'm the Attorney General, for cryin' out loud!

That's today's news, and remember: If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're probably a terrorist and I'M WATCHING YOU!
-- John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

The fight against terra continues. My friend Mikey Powell over at the FCC has uncovered a diabolical plot: use of curse words to signal terra attacks. That's right, when Bono said "this is really, really, fucking brilliant" what he was really saying was "al Qaeda comrades in arms, crash an airplane into a building!" So we're really going to use a lot of the government's resources to fight this threat to the lives of Americans everywhere in this great nation under God! Oh, forget about securing the borders to keep terrorists out, those evil people saying "fuck", "shit", "damn", and "cunt" on the public airwaves are far greater threats to America!

More proof that Canada Axis of Evil: They track every cow's movements. That's a right that we reserve only for pro-freedom activists here in the United States. The nerve of those Canadian terrorists, saying that cows have the same right to be tracked as people do!

Finally, yet more silly terrorists whine that they should be getting fair trials. Don't they understand? Over 2,000 people died on 9/11! I swear to you that I will break every law, imprison as many people as necessary, to keep even a single American from being killed by another terra attack, no matter how many thousands I must put into the concentration camps in order to keep America safe! Those LIE-berals and their "rights" just don't understand the modern world. There's people out there who want to KILL us! Safety is ALWAYS more important than liberty.

Well, that's this evening's update. And remember, if you aren't Saved, you're probably a terrorist.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Well, Donnie has shown that he knows how those scum journalists should be treated (except for Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Anne Coulter, and the rest of my friends, of course). I asked Georgie if I could do the same to scumbag "journalists" here on American soil, but he just laughed and said to be patient. Sigh. Oh well, at least I get to torture a few people while waiting for the go-ahead (well, I gotta send'em to my friends overseas for that, but it's all the same, right?). Oh, my plan to register all the ragheads in preperation for the day when I round'em all up and require them to convert to Christianity or die is working well too, so I guess I can feel okay even if Georgie won't let me treat journalists the way Donnie treats them.

Good news from The Supremes: it's now legal for cops to stop you at any time! No probable or reasonable cause required. Your papers, please.

Oh, the newest member of the Axis of Evil is Canada.

Well, that's tonight's update. This wasn't as good a day as yesterday, but we're still winning the War on Unbelievers, so I guess I can thank God for that. Thank you, God. And remember, if you have not been Saved and accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior... you're probably a terrorist, and I'm watching you!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, January 12, 2004

Woohoo! Great news in the fight against evil heathen terrorists! The U.S. Supreme Court says I can keep secret the names of the thousands of rag-heads that I've disappeared. And a newspaper pubisher who published articles critical of our policies is going to jail as a terrorist sympathizer. And soon I will know personal info about anybody who flies on an airplane so I can ferret out those pesky terrorists and terrorist sympathizers.

Manohmanohman, just thinking about it gives me a woody! What a great day this has been.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
For sale: One United States Constitution and Bill of Rights. Hardly used. First, Fourth and Fifth Amendments missing. Will sell cheap or exchange for handgun. Contact John Ashcroft, Box DOJ, Wash. DC

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Well, good morning, boys and girls! It's a bright new day in God's Country.

Well, one of Bush's old cabinet members is saying bad things about our Great Leader. Typical LIEberal, even if he is an old Republican rich guy. Look, everything that our Great Leader has said about Iraq has been absolutely true. White House spokesman Ken Lisaius said today that it "appears that the world according to Mr. O'Neill is about trying to justify his own opinion, rather than looking at the reality." O'Neill says the war in Iraq was planned from the beginning of the Bush administration? It's a lie! I mean, if it was planned, why is Iraq a mess today? And Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction? Hogwash! Iraq is brimming, brimming I say, with weapons of mass destruction, they're just existing on a spiritual plane at the moment where Saddam hid them via Satanic rituals. I guarantee you that when we finish converting Iraq to Christianity, those weapons will pop right back up. And anybody who says different must be a terrorist, and we'll have to arrest him and disappear him as a terrorist sympathizer.

Good news: The courts now officially say that we can arrest anybody who opposes our Great Leader if they're unseemly enough to express that opposition anywhere that it can be seen.

Over in Iran, they might be a bunch of heathen rag-heads, but they have a great solution to the problem of dealing with LIEberals -- don't allow LIEberals to run for office. We need ourselves one of those Guardian Councils here in the United States. Let's see, who will our Great Leader put on it... hmm... Pat Robinson. Jerry Falwell. Oral Roberts (hmm, better oral than anal, I guess). Phyllis Schlafly. Ralph Reed. Gary North. Joe White. These men (and woman) shall be the best judge of who is fit to rule God's country.

And that's it for today. Remember, if you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're probably a terrorist.

Yours in Christ,
--- John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Saturday, January 10, 2004

My friend Patriotboy has reminded me, aside from the millions of fetal-Americans that are murdered every year, that billions of other Americans are still being murdered every year: spermatazoan-Americans. This is appalling! I'm asking President Georgie to address this situation immediately. Condoms shall no longer be provided for our men and women in uniform. A few cases of clap and herpes are a small price to pay for the life of billions of Americans!

Those LIEberals at the Los Angeles Times published a scandelous report that I have lied about my accomplishments in the war against terrorism. How dare they! The biggest lie in this LIEberal's article: That I've successfully prosecuted 286 terrorists. In fact, that number is 287. That LIEberal reporter at the LA Times is #287. Remember, you're either with us or against us, and if you're against us, you're a terrorist. So there!

My pal David Horowitz is in the news again. Seems he is building up a database of LIEberals to help me out with finding terrorists on college campuses, and some of those LIEberals are objecting. Expect a few more digits added to the list of terrorists that I've successfully prosecuted.

Finally, proof that I'm not the dumbest man in the world: man says he has bomb demands that commuter jet fly from New York City to Australia. Only problem: the commuter jet had a range of less than 2,000 miles, while Australia is over 8,000 miles from New York City. Oops!

Well, that's tonight's abbreviated report. Remember, if you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior today, you're probably a terrorist.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Friday, January 09, 2004

Good morning, it's a bright new day here in America, with the threat level reduced to yellow because of my excellent work over the past few weeks of stopping killer fish, killer almanac bearers, and killer Welsh insurance agents (gotta watch them Welsh insurance agents, they're baaad peoples!). We're safer today than we were yesterday because of my excellent work building dossiers on every sinner visiting Las Vegas. Now for some other things:

We have received word that terrorists on international flights will bring them down by standing in line for the toilet. Thus on all international flights of 5 hours or more, you'll be required to squirm in your seat for the whole time. Hey, if you wet yourself it's your own fault. You shouldn't have left God's Country (America) in the first place. In other news, those evil LIE-berals are still whining that killing 50 CIA operatives by leaking the name of an undercover agent in order to punish her husband for not being a good Party team player is more of a crime than porking a fat intern. For shame! Don't they know that, because we're God's chosen Administration, anything we do is automatically blessed by God and thus not a crime? And those whiners in Florida are complaining once again that their votes aren't being counted. Oh come on now, what, they think the will of the people, not flaws in the voting machines, should detirmine who wins elections? That's downright un-American! And the LIE-berals are STILL carping about my new power to look at your bank records any time I feel like it. If you have nothing to hide, why would you mind that I know what kind of underwear you bought at Sears last night?!

My next project: jailing debtors. By putting them in jail, we can have them work as slave labor. Don't worry, while guards are walking amongst them with whips and such, they're not really slaves because we're paying them 13 cents an hour, and you don't pay slaves, right? And the fun part is that we can keep them there forever, because their debt will never be paid off! But don't worry, they're all swarthy poor people, not good middle class White Christians like you and me, so it's okay to enslave them.

Well, that's the end of this morning's update. Remember: If you haven't accepted our lord Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior this morning, you're probably a terrorist!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Just in case you missed it: God is what made our nation great. Not liberty. Not freedom. Not democracy. God. Those of you who deny it are Satanists and terrorists and traitors to America. To restore this nation's greatness, every American must come to Jesus and accept Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior. Especially those swarthy types, the poor people and the hungry who are the target of my administration's Faith-Based Services initiative, who need God's word more than anybody because they're being punished for being un-Christian (only bad people have bad things happen to them, it even says that in the Book of Job in the Holy Bible). Freedom is accepting Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, and has nothing to do with democracy or liberty.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
The future of American justice: People disappeared with secret trials in secret courts, special anti-terrorism courts that don't have to follow normal due process rules, and secret "enemies" lists. Everything changed on September 11, 2001. We cannot afford the protections included in the Constitution. Rights only give terrorists more chances to kill Americans. America will not be safe until there is a uniformed soldier on every street corner with an M-16 ready to shoot any evi-doer, and all non-Christians have been forcibly converted to the Pentecostal faith like all good Christians. We must return to traditional American values of martial law and forced conversion to Christianity.

More on how I saved America during the Christmas/New Years holiday season: Osama fin Laden stopped!. Almanac-wielding terrorists stopped. Swarthy pilot from Trinidad stopped. Those terrorists at the DAV (Disabled American Veterans) stopped. Disclosure of the Presidential papers of President Bush I stopped (they could tell terrorists too much!). You are much safer today than you were on September 12, 2001, because of my actions, and if you don't agree, you must be a terrorist or one of those LIE-berals (hold it, is there a difference?!).

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
The Bush Administration is *NOT* fascist. Thus says a noted Liberal reporter.

It is permissible to work you for 100 hours a week without paying you overtime under new regulations, as long as you're paid at least $22,100 per year. Americans are too lazy and need to work more. Thus why my friends over at the Department of Labor are telling employers how to avoid paying overtime to workers.

And those dirty Communist terrorist-sympathizer courts just freed a teenage Haitian girl that I had imprisoned for a year without trial in order to protect America from Haitian terrorists. We all know that it was Haitians, not Arabs, who smashed those planes into the WTC on September 11, 2001. These terrorist-sympathizer courts *must* be stopped! Look, we all know that those darkies down in Haiti are an affront to our White heritage, what with their swarthy skin and voodoo beliefs and all, so it's only just and right that I imprison them in concentration camps here in the United States (camps helpfully provided by local sheriffs thanks to the War on Drugs and massive over-building of jails by local sheriffs hoping to get some federal funding).

Now, you might wonder why I haven't issued press conferences or anything about those terrorists caught with Weapons of Mass Destruction down in Texas. Well, it's obvious, isn't it? They're WHITE. I only care about those swarthy terrorists, you know, the ones who don't look like us, dress like us, aren't good American Christians like us?

My good friend Anne Coulter has now been memorialized with the Anne Coulter Action Figure, which tells truths sure to infuriate your LIE-beral cousins, like, "Why not go to war just for oil? We need oil. What do Hollywood celebrities imagine fuels their private jets? How do they think their cocaine is delivered to them?" You go girl!

Yet more LIE-berals whine about how I am getting the Patriot II act enacted piece by piece. Look, I need these powers to defend our nation from kidnappers and con men, PayPal, and strip club operators. Oh, and terrorists, too. Anybody who opposes putting more power into my hands is a terrorist sympathizer, and probably a strip club operator, kidnapper, and con man too.

Well, that's this morning's news. Remember: If you have not accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior today, you're probably a terrorist. Hallaleuya, my dream of a Christian nation under God is coming closer to reality every day!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Comments are working! Check it out!

Now ALL of you can comment on my brilliance.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America
Those commie courts are saying that it's not Constitutional to hold American citizens in jail for 18 months without a trial and without a lawyer. *BULL*! It says right in the Constitution that fair trials and lawyers are not necessary, and that all this prattling about "trial by jury" is silliness. Our courts are perfect proof that Joe McCarthy was right, my good friend Anne Coulter says -- our government *HAS* been infiltrated by Communists and terrorist sympathizers. Not to mention that Helen Thomas... c***... the old biddy has been around for 100 years, she probably was a red diaper baby, y'know? She has the audacity to state that only dictators ban TV news... doesn't she know that free speech only applies to speech that *I* agree with? It says so right there in the Constitution, in the 1st Amendment!

Many people have asked me why I do not enforce environmental laws even when the EPA reports violations to me. As my good friend Reverend Rushdoodie once said to me: According to Genesis 1:26-28, man was created to exercise dominion over the earth and to subdue it, and the command to "be fruitful, and multiply" was an aspect of the call to exercise dominion over the earth. Man therefore is to be understood in terms of God's kingdom and man's calling therein to manifest God's law-order in a developed and subdued earth. In other words, we're INTENDED to rape the Earth, God says so! And if you don't like my pals in Texas dumping toxic wastes in your back yard, TOUGH TOOTIES!

Someone asked me about the details of the mighty Christ Attack that I used to deal with terrorists over the New Year's Weekend. Here's how it works. You dress up in a dark suit with a white shirt. You hold a Bible in your left hand, and a clutch of Jack Chick tracts in your right hand. Then you approach the suspected terrorist, and say "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior today?". The terrorists flee in horror! Of course, a good Christian person says "Of course I have, let us pray." So remember, if you haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you're a terrorist. But never fear, it's easy enough to do. Remember, all you have to do is accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, and you're Saved -- you can imprison people without trial, beat protesters who criticize our Great Leader, and violate people's privacy and turn Las Vegas into a police state all without any fear that you're going to Hell. Hallelujah! I'm Saved! Glory to His Name!

Yours in Christ,

John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

Some of those liberal lefty types are upset because I cancelled a flight because of a five year old terrorist. Don't they get it? Those rag-heads train their five year olds to be terrorists from an early age, outfitting them with suicide vests as toddlers. So don't get fooled by those innocent looking eyes, those five year old rag-heads are deadly dangerous, and I saved America from a fate worse than 9/11 by cancelling that flight!

Being Attorney General means never having to say you're sorry. I love it!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Monday, January 05, 2004

Willie Nelson: Traitor.

You're either with us or agin' us. Expect the IRS to be showing up on Willie's door tomorrow. It's obvious that Willie Nelson is one of those terrorist sympathizers, and I'm sure he's funded al Qaeda with those sinister concerts of his. He even wears one of those rags on his head sometimes. No no, it's clear to me, the Attorney General of the Untied States, that this is a threat to aviation (try flying *now*, Willie!), a funder of al Qaeda (watch your checks bounce, Willie, after I freeze all your bank accounts!), and a generally suspicious person, and probably a Communist besides.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

I don't get those America haters at the ACLU. Now they're whining about how I now have information about every vistor to Las Vegas on January 1. Don't they realize that we're at war? We must defend freedom! And if it requires building a dossier on each and every American so that I know what you eat, what you drink, where you stay on New Year's Day, so be it!

All together now:

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you
  -- by that great American patriot, STING

What, you don't want me watching you? What are you, some kinda TERRORIST?!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, Untied States of America

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Well, it was an eventful New Year's weekend. I personally foiled fifteen terror attacks using my super power (the fearsome Christ Attack, accompanied by Jack Chick tracts), and with soldiers with rifles guarding most tourist attractions, there wasn't any problems there either. And we made lots of American businessmen happy by stranding them in France and England over the holidays too. You know they just loved spending their holidays in a hotel room in strange city far from home instead of with whiney little brats and a haridan wife!

Good news from Iraq: authorities there have banned demonstrations. Then those whiney Iraqis complain that we're not respecting "free speech". Feh. Free speech is speech that we (the Bush administration) agree with. Any other speech is treason. When Georgie gives me the 4th Infantry Division, I want to ban demonstrations here in the United States too, and if any of those ACLU lawyers object, why, you know what the penalty is for treason, right? (But Donnie *still* is playing with the 4ID and won't let me play with them too. Sob!).

Finally, regarding those LIE-berals: They accuse us CONSERVATIVES, good Christian people, of being hateful! Look, when my good friend Anne Cutlery says that the LIE-berals like at the New York Times are all traitors who should blown up by the likes of Timothy McVeigh, she's not being hateful, she's being truthful. Whereas when the LIE-berals say that President Bush lied to the American people, they're just being plain hateful. See, it's okay to say on talk radio or Fox News that we should kill liberals, because that's just stating an obvious fact. But when a liberal says that our Great Leader is a liar, why, that's just plain being hateful.

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, United States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin

Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.