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Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Well, the press was getting uppity about Donnie punishing that Joseph Wilson guy for not toeing the Nigerian uranium line by outing his
wife as a CIA operative
. They were saying I wasn't impartial enough (me! A good Christian man!). So I appointed a special prosecutor.


Not that it really matters. I know who did it. It was the Clenis(tm), the source of all evil, that done it. And I have proof -- Georgie's own web site sez so, so it must be true!


Yours in Christ,

John Asscroft

Monday, December 29, 2003

I read a story today that missionaries have been dispatched to convert Iraq to Christianity. Yes! My friend Annie Cutlery said it best when she said that the best way to win the war on terror was to invade their nations, kill their leaders, and convert them all to Christianity. Our plan is going forward! Soon all those heathen rag-heads will see the light and get rid of their false god in favor of the True Faith!


Yours in Christ,

John Asscroft, Attorney General, United States of America

Sunday, December 28, 2003

I took a secret trip to an undisclosed location today. Well, actually, I went to the Presidio in San Francisco, and observed the soldiers carrying assault rifles on all approaches to the undersides of the Golden Gate Bridge. It does my heart good to see American soldiers carrying loaded assault weapons out and about on American streets, it reeks of... of... victory!

In other news, I keep asking Dubya to let me use the 4ID to clean up them LIE-berals that's talking about me breaking the law (evil satanistic LIE-berals, don't they know that laws only apply to them, not to us good Party members?!), but he just laughs and says Donnie is using the toys right now over in Eye-Rack, and I can't have them until Donnie is finished with them. Darn. But I got him back, I leaked his diary to the media. Heheh, that'll teach'em!

Finally, I have a new hero: Phillip Ruddock, who as Immigration Minister for Australia got to lock up all the rag-heads in concentration camps! And he even figured out a way to get a PROMOTION out of it (to Attorney General), by hiring Australia's version of Wackenhut to run the camps and then blaming them when the press finally got ahold of video footage of the camps and saw the horrific conditions! Wackenhut donated millions to Dubya's campaign and has been begging for payback, I gotta get with Ruddock ASAP and see about setting up concentration camps for our AMERICAN rag-heads. I'm sure he has great advice.

Well, gotta go. Got to go issue a few more national security letters for the bank accounts of them nasty LIE-berals! Bye!

Yours in Christ,
John Asscroft, Attorney General, United States of America

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To those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists. The 1st Amendment only applies to speech I like. -- John Asscroft

Banned by both the left-wing The Daily Kos and the right-wing Tacitus, woot! -- The A.G.'s Inner Penguin


Lawyer Stuff
This is political satire, protected activity under the 1st Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America. If you don't understand what this means, EMAIL me.
About John Asscroft
The Untied States of America exist in a Marvel Comics "mirror universe", in case you haven't figured it out. In this mirror universe, the attorney general of the Untied States is a raving lunatic right-wing fundamentalist by the name of John Asscroft, the U.S. Army is treated as toy soldiers by the administration, the President is a genial puppet in the hands of a conniving puppeteer, and the press are willing accomplices in deceiving the public to go along with a regime that is comprised of a bunch of big boys playing with toys rather than of mature adults. Of course, there are some who think this is the REAL universe, but they're all terrorists or French so who cares what they say?
About John Asscroft's Inner Frenchman
This site is not connected to any political party and receives no money (or any other input) from any political campaign or party (unlike some blogs out there). The author's own politics can be best described as Libertarian. A minute's work will find the author's main EMAIL address and blog. Let's just say that he's a highly-paid engineer who has successfully delivered multiple products to market, and who has little patience for liars whose sole product is bullshit.